So yesterday was a pretty rough day to start. I had a rough day at therapy before I even went out to the ranch. It was proposed in therapy that I should write a blanket statement, using social media (i.e. facebook), stating I have PTSD, and be a beacon in the dark for other sufferers who may be afraid to come forward. I was basically told that If I'm using the skills I learn in therapy but not passing those skills along to others than I am not doing God's work. The concept was to stop hiding in the shadows and help erase the stigma of mental health related issues. The whole idea of me "not doing God's work" really played on my heart strings for two reasons. 1) After September 11th God's message was very clear to me. What he wanted me to do was very apparent and evident, not only that, but I was good at what I did. I picked up a rifle and a pair of boots and I fast tracked through promotions and excelled in everything I did in the military. When I became injured God's plan was not so clear to me anymore. 2) I had turned to social media once before for an invisible injury (not my PTSD, but my TBI) and I was shit on. I was working on a package for my Purple Heart but I needed witness statement who saw the IED explosion that caused my TBI. Everyone that was left in my truck was gone off the grid, so I turned to friends of mine in my Platoon who were out on that mission with me. I contacted them by facebook and asked them to give a truthful and accurate account of what they remember that day. They basically told me NO, that I was a piece of shit, scum bag, loser, that a TBI isn't a real injury, that I don't rate a Purple Heart, and that they wouldn't write a personal statement. So you see I don't think going to facebook with my PTSD would warrant a very welcomed response.
Anyways, I left therapy feeling very diminished, like I was less than. I knew I wanted to be up at the ranch, but I also knew my head was in no place for a dressage lesson, so I had no intention of riding; I didn't even put my boots on before I left. This marked the first time I went up to the ranch with no intention of riding. When I got there I explained to my therapist what had happened to me and told her I was in no shape mentally to ride and asked her if I could sit this one out today. She told me of course, and asked me if I wanted to do some ground work instead. I agreed to do some lunging in the round pen, so we walked down to the barn to get some horses. I usually work with Coffee or Dunny, but Coffee is a beast to lunge because she cuts corners, and Dunny can't be put in the round pen because he becomes aggressive (he was abused before the ranch got him, and that's where his abuse took place, in the round pen), so when my therapist asked me who do you want to work with my first thought was "I'd like to work with 'Ginger' (my therapit's horse) because she's such a treat to lunge", but what came out of my mouth instead was "I don't care, who do you want me to work with today?" Well my therapist must have been in tune with exactly where I was at because she instantly said, "why don't you work with Ginger today".
I did about an hour and a half of ground work (some grooming before hand and afterwards too) poor Ginger was so tired from running in the sand that after I worked her, when we did our join up in the round pen, she literally came in and gave me a hug. It was the most amazing experience ever. I had only worked with this horse for 1 day and already formed a good enough bond with her that she was wanting to snuggle up with me. I left there feeling like that is God's work being out there on that ranch being in tune with those animals and those people and mother nature, that is all God's work. Long story short I'm not ready to write a blanket statement about my PTSD on facebook. I don't see how that would be therapeutic for me at this time. As a matter of fact the longer I thought about it, the more I think this might be the worst advice I've ever gotten out of treatment to date.
