Relationship Partner Has Ptsd, Depression And Anxiety, 4 Years In, Need Help

[UKJonesy]

Hi, 1st forum I've used around this, my knowledge is limited so please excuse my ignorance if i'm not 100% accurate.

My current partner suffers from the above and this stemmed from physical abusive from a previous relationship. She was honest from the start and I met her as she was going through court proceedings.

At this point I thought everything was fine, and helped where I could.

everyday is the same I go work in the morning, drop out baby off at child minders, when back I then clean the house, kitchen, living room , put a wash on, ect,. I then feed our little girl and get her ready for bed and sometimes put her in bed and my partner is still asleep. I cook Dinner for us both ready for when she gets up.

My partner works nights, she works 9pm - 6am, she gets in the house at 7am but then stays asleep till 5-6pm. Feels like she works, sleeps, wakes up eats her tea and goes work, come 8pm everyday, I then have to take her 8 miles to work and back because she doesn't want to get a bus.

In terms of the triggers, I had an amicable relationship with my exwife because of my 8 year old son, this seems to be a big trigger. Last night I came home early, got a take away cleaned up everything was fine. Then I noticed her daydreaming (which to me is bad news), She then explained that when she watches TV she thinks about me and my EX, did we watch the same adverts together, snuggled up, "Lets not have this conversation today, lets enjoy it and watch our movie" fell on deaf ears, this went on to her bring up stuff in the past, when we 1st started dating like, my mum taking my Ex to Canada to see my sister with my son (this has obviously be spoke about since and resolved), so nothing really bad like cheating or anything.

She used to constantly check my phone, I gave her my password so she could see she has nothing to worry about, this backfired and fabricated instances where I must have slept with people on my facebook, whether it be because I liked a picture or commented.
If I go on a works night out (like a year end works do) I have to make sure im not in any pictures as she will also set her off. I don't go out and socialise for this reason also. She's constantly referring back to my ex saying I took her loads of places and I do nothing with her (my partner), I tried explaining my circumstances were different, as in I had money then, this only enraged her more.

I've tried researching PTSD to help my own understanding so when them days come where is 3-5 hours of relentless shouting at me its not her its the illness. But last night was the most difficult, she said one day she's going to go work and not come back (kill herself) and how she will stop me seeing my 1 year old daughter.

Now i'm thick skinned and been together for 4 years, I don't want to give up on her, but i'm really struggling to cope with doing everything in the house, sorting bills, being the TAXI, being a punch bag (mentally) whilst she refuses to take her prescribed medications (Anti depressants and meds for underactive thyroid). I don't know if I should leave her, or continue to fight, I was going to give her an ultimatum i.e. what needs to change, or i'm gone, mainly because her family have said I need to stop being soft with her.

Am I wrong for giving up? any advice would be really appreciated sorry for the long post

 

[:-)]

I say get tough. Not all of what you say is PTSD. Isolating you socially IS abuse! I've noticed that while women are taught to look out for certain red flags of abuse such as a guy who isolates her from other people, men on the other hand seem to not see this as being abusive. I say this from personal (family) experience as my mom socially isolated my dad but because he's a man, didn't see it as abuse as men aren't typically taught to look out for signs of abuse from a woman.

She may have PTSD but that doesn't give her a right to not take care of herself (ie med non compliance) and then make everyone else pay for it, using the excuse that it's PTSD.

Your child WILL suffer from having a mom like this....one who sleeps all the time and doesn't take care of herself. IMHO your wife is being selfish and needs a wake up call.

 

[UKjonesy]

I say get tough. Not all of what you say is PTSD. Isolating you socially IS abuse! I've noticed that while women are taught...

Thank you for reply, I do try not to say "you need to take your meds" and blame things on PTSD, but sometimes its difficult to distinguish if it is or isn't PTSD related. Worst thing is she openly admits she dislikes my 8 year old son because "he gets spoilt" by his mum. I find that hard to deal with and not sure with the approach, he possibly gets spoilt as its my ex's only child and he has cystic fibrosis, I don't know, and if im honest, I don't care if she spoils him as long as he understands right from wrong.

My partner and My son when we 1st met, used to get on so well, he would sit at the window and wait for her to arrive and get dead excited, now, he's really sheepish around her and feels the need to whisper when she's around. An instance when something triggered her my son was asleep on the sofa and she abruptly asked him to wake up over and over, at this point I obviously intervened, the poor boy was no the wiser. I do everything in the house to make sure she's happy, but it feels its never enough. The positive side is, and I don't know it its normal from a PTSD prospective, she is fully aware and admits she needs help and fully aware what the triggers are. I dread weekends as I know when I have my son, something will set her off. And its not fair on him or my daughter.

Reading what you put makes me realised she's a fully grown adult and able should be able to look after her self.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's really hard to distinguish what is PTSD and what isn't sometimes. Because of that, a lot of supports fall into the trap of excusing every bad behavior as a PTSD, and letting themselves get stomped all over. It's kind of hard to get to the point where you don't treat them like fragile glass figurines instead of adults who do have some personal responsibility.

It is perfectly fine to set boundaries. I never hesitate to lay down the law with my sufferer regarding my children. Treating them poorly is an absolute no-go, and it is never excused. He knows I am dead serious, and I will not tolerate it.

They may have horrible traumas in their past, but it doesn't give them free reign to spread misery around.

 

[UKJonesy]

It's really hard to distinguish what is PTSD and what isn't sometimes. Because of that, a lot of supp...

Hey

Even if she says his mum is the biggest trigger? He might say things like "i do this with mummy" etc etc, he obviously doesn't know what's going on, last night she did apologise but she still insists on going on holiday next year with me, daughter, her mum and dad, but not my son, because she wouldn't enjoy it. And the fact that he went to Canada with his mum to see some of my family.

Straight away im thinking that's not right, but she explained that she shouldn't have to feel like she has to take my son away if we go on holiday. This all stems down to my mum taking my ex and My son to Canada to see my sister. Which is a little weird and ive had that chat around being to close to my ex. But my partner constantly brings this up and it happened about 1year n half ago.

Around my 8 year old, I have tried setting some boundaries but she dismisses them saying as long as have this joint account with my ex (the joint account is only for half the mortgage payments on old house as its up for sale) she will always feel this way, she often eats tea upstairs so she doesn't get "triggered" from something he says. As soon as she's down stairs my boy is worried about talking as he has a bad habit of sometimes doing a baby voice which i'm always correcting. In my partners case, "it irritates the shi* out of me" "he needs stronger discipline" are usually the words she uses.

Instead of taking her med's she's started smoking, which for my son who has Cystic Fibrosis is really bad, she may have 1 or 2 a day, and I make her change her clothes as it can make him really ill, but the feeling I get is, she thinks its an over reaction and its a coping mechanism.

Thank you for the reply sorry for the long reply's I really helps, and I see things clearer when its not coming from her.

Lee

 

[Purplemunchkin]

she still insists on going on holiday next year with me, daughter, her mum and dad, but not my son

My initial reaction is to say fine, but you also get to go on holiday with your children and your parents, and she can stay at home.

Obviously it isn't going to be possible for everything to always be equal between your kids. Your son will do things with his Mum that your daughter will miss out on, and vice versa. But that is because, well, life - not because your wife is trying to make you choose between her and your son.

Hands up, I am not a parent (maybe one day). However my husband has a 15 year old son from his first marriage, and a 6 year old daughter from a subsequent relationship, so I do understand the juggling of different sets of rules, age gaps, etc.

I know it sounds harsh but your wife needs to take some responsibility and realise that her behaviour affects you and both of your children.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a difference between triggers and stressors. You may want to check this out https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/

She sounds like she is just plain jealous of your son or resents him, and is using her PTSD to excuse it.