General Partner Treating Me Bad... To What Extent Can Ptsd Be His ''excuse''?

[Venusian]

It came to surface because he was having a very hard time accepting that I had been with another man, as in his mind I was, and always had been ''his woman''.

I would be very careful, even though it has been 3 years this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship. When one person thinks of another as a possession it can get really scary. He has already cheated on you, he has shown that he does not care for your feelings and even brings up trivial little things from months ago to throw back in your face. You leave and he is all apologetic and nice but then he gets abusive again , you leave and he makes promises to win you back. It cycles and each time it escalates and you are drawn in even deeper. I hope I am wrong. There has to be some boundaries. It is just my opinion but it sounds like he is using his ptsd to keep you on the hook instead of working to get better by guilting you into taking the abuse.

He always says: When im better, you will see how I will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Does this mean he knows he is treating you badly and that he can keep treating you badly as long as he sees a psychiatrist without telling the doctor why he is there? He hasn't been diagnosed, you can not diagnose him. If he wants to get better he needs to open up and get a diagnosis and get the proper treatment. He may not have PTSD, you are just assuming he does and he is milking it for all he can.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with P-No that you are deep in it and are finding it hard to see outside it. She expresses the situation well.

And Venusion touched on something I immediately felt too.

in his mind I was, and always had been ''his woman''.

I have to say that this is a red flag for me and would now make me run a mile immediately. I personally cannot see anything that is not unhealthy underlying this.

I know this is a lot to absorb but take some time and read all the responses you got here a couple of times carefully.

 

[Seasounds]

See Domestic Violence (DV) in this website, barred icon, just to the right of "forums" on the bar above/at top; see DV listed under Network.

As you can't help change him, and you have yourself to emotionally recharge, the DV may add to your resilience.

It has changed my life. Hope the best for you!

 

[DeedeeRSM]

HI Change, do you really think i've been through domestic (emotional) violence??
I never thought of it that way... See, I write the bad things here, but I cant deny that there are a lot of good things between us as well..its just that the bad outweight the good..

P-no: yes, I actually was codependent...until I read the book of codependent no more, by melody beattie (I think thats what her name was), and i made a change for the good. I started living my own life again and focusing o my own goals rather than his well being, and our relationship. Weird thing is, as I AM doing well in my own personal life, I even feel more guilty for him not making progress, and us still struggling...

 

[DMerish]

DeeDee,

The partial title of your post was: "To What Extent Can PTSD be His Excuse?"

The answer is zero, zip, none, nada, nil, noonka!

PTSD is similar to something that forms a layer over one's personality and essence, and causes non-typical internal reactions (thoughts/emotions) to stimuli. For instance, flashbacks, depression, lack of outside interests, desire to isolate, and sometimes unusual outbursts of anger. Everyone that it affects is different, and these are just a few of the possible affects of PTSD.

PTSD (as far as I know, and I've been around it a lot) does not cause someone to be a regular jerk, bitch, or asshole unless those things were a strong part of someone's character formally, or the person did not/has not sought help. When someone doesn't seek help/healing, and learn how to manage their PTSD symptoms then the layer that forms over one's personality/essence can get "sticky" and the person may go on to develop additional mental health issues or disorders. Or, they may have had underlying issues previous to PTSD, that could have contributed to bringing on the PTSD.

PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is based in fear. Fear/PTSD can lead people to act in a narcissistic fashion in an attempt to alleviate additional trauma and/or symptoms, to protect themselves and to protect other people. Most people that have PTSD would never wish it on anyone else. And they'd rather not "trouble" other people with the affects of their condition. The description of your boyfriend's behavior causes me to think that he's displaying elements of "hovering" which oftentimes leads to "gas-lighting", both of which are forms of psychological abuse found in persons with disorders other than PTSD.

It's just a suggestion, but you might want to consider what your excuse is for being with this person beyond the pat "I love him" and possibly, he's great in the sack (when he wants to be).

I know this post probably sounds preachy - like I'm a know-it-all. I'm not, and I'm not a psychologist or anything like that. I've simply had PTSD for quite a while, done some research, and have gotten to know several other people with it. Some on this forum. What I've written is simply from my personal background, which included being psychologically (and physically abused towards the end) by someone who was later diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And reading about someone who describes, what I perceive, as an abusive relationship gets my ire up. No one deserves to be manipulated or abused.

(((hugs to you)))
Drew

 

[kahlan]

A.disorder is no excuse for someone to be a d!ck. (Sorry I'm.tired and sore don't have much else to give here.) If the bad is outweighing the good, why hold onto it?

If your post was written by someone else what would you say to them?

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I think domestic violence applies; there is disrespectful and hurtful behavior in your home.

To have a label for abusive behavior in the home, and to get that validation, can be helpful to both identify the damaging
behavior and to identify being the recipient of damaging behavior. Domestics violence is often not identified because people are in love and they don't want to see what is really happening or they are use to being poorly treated: berated, humiliated, made fun of, teased, threatened-even through jokes, ignored, dismissed, disregarded, made to believe that mean treatment is their fault.

I hope you have gathered, that you are not alone. You can make changes and live through the transition. This forum is here for support, and the DV forum, is even more specific to your needs.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I think it's often easy for people to forget that being an asshole, manipulative prick, abusive partner and many other unpleasant things can exist co-morbidly (alongside) PTSD.

PTSD has it's own set of symptoms, and even though someone might be triggered by something, it's not free and poetic license to be a free for all asshole.
Obviously we can't see this in person, but a few flags popped up in my head when I was reading this.

Emotional, sexual, social and physical manipulation and control.
Relationship starts off ok, but once you learn their 'secret', it means that you then have to deal with all the shit that supposedly goes with that secret (not true, it's just an excuse to be the human that they really are, that is supressed in society).

Please be careful, I think he has you over and emotional barrel, and knows it.

As a sufferer of PTSD, as well as a survivor of all the shit that I've listed above and more, I can tell you that I know how hard it is to be able to step away and let him be responsible for his own crap.

Instead, he has found a way to force you to drag along both his emotional baggage as well as your own, and that leaves him free to flex his muscles as an absolute prick.

Ask yourself this, would you tolerate this crap off him if you DIDN'T know he had PTSD?

 

[Sweetpea76]

So he expects you to forgive him for cheating, but he cannot forgive you for drinking his soda? It's not the PTSD, he's an asshole.

 

[Bilby]

Anyway, he cools down, comes to me for make up sex, its a quicky, he comes and we're done. Then after dinner, he goes to bed to take a nap, I start studying, as I have exams next week. He wakes up, does the dinner dishes comes back and we start watching a tv shw together. Then he wants a BJ. I give him one, I like to pleasure him, I know it eases his mind. When Im done, I ask him for a return favor. He says, no, I'm still bothered by the cans of soda, by the fact that you're only thinking of yourself. And I even did the dishes and I do groceries for you, you don't do anything for me. So I just now realised that I'm not wanting to pleasure you , because unconsciously, I'm punishing you.

There's some major issues here. Seriously ask yourself how comfortable you are with someone who is prepared to treat you like an object - one to 'use' at will, whenever they want, whenever they want. What do you get from this situation?

I just stood and cried, as I try not to engage in his provocations

So he just continues to carry on like this and you just stand there and take it? Not good. Not good at all. You need to think about what message this sends him..... he'll just continue to do this whilstever you allow him to do this to you.

I could go on quoting sections of your post. This sounds like such an incredibly toxic situation and an extremely unhealthy one for you. Honestly, there was someone in my past who behaved in a fashion that whilst not as severe as this, the behaviour was not dissimilar in that he just expected to have 'me' whenever he wanted, and I complied (stupidly). It is NOT healthy for YOU - this doesn't do your own self-esteem and sense of worth any good at all. You aren't just a play thing for him. You are a person who is worthy of being in a healthy, loving, relationship. For the record, yes, this is possible in a relationship that involves PTSD. This relationship that you are in is completely one-sided. I hate to say it, but you are being used and treated awfully. It is not PTSD that is causing him to cheat or be dishonest. It is not PTSD that is causing him to treat you like some kind of sexual object.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Hi there try Traumatic Incident Reduction (TIR)

For myself? I read into it and it seems this is more for the ptsd sufferer?

Guys, im trying to get my head together...im really having hard time since there have been a lot of good times and he has done a lot of things for me too..

All of your writings DID open my eyes however to the fact that his behaviour has nothing to do with his ptsd...

I would like to hear this also from sufferers themselves...how they coped with their so's...

 

[kahlan]

Actually quite a few of the posts here are from sufferers. The common consensus is that the few "good" things he may do do not make up for being a manipulative jerk. Its not good for you to be treated as an object or to have old unrelated issues brough into current problems as a mean to turn the blane table around on you.

As a person with codependent tendencies, it takes more than.reading a book and becoming aware of your actions, it takes constant work at maintaining yourself. Allowing him to get his and not give back isn't maintaining yourself.