People Not Knowing You Have Ptsd

[ccks]

I'm young and in my early twenties. Like many posters I've had multiple traumatic experiences throughout my life. I've met people throughout the course of my life who experienced similar traumas as I did. As a child and teen I felt sad for my friends knowing they'd been abused, abandoned, struggling financially or grieving a death of a loved one. I also felt a sense of belonging being around them because I felt like I wasn't alone in my experiences and I had someone who could understand me. In the 20+ years I've been alive I'd say maybe three people have actually known the traumatic events I experienced and only one knows all of them.

That makes me wonder how many people have PTSD, but I'd never be able to tell. For the most part people can't tell that I've had the experiences I've had. They may be able to tell I'm anxious sometimes, but no one knows the full extent behind the anxiety. When I told my ex-boyfriend what I'd experienced in my life I felt like I opened a book tucked away in the far corner of the attic. (No offense to anyone) but I felt so old and far away from him when I assessed my past and who I was up until that point. I hated that feeling but it was cathartic.

Do you ever feel like you live a different life within yourself, but to the world you appear like someone else or the 'coping version" of you? Or are you the coping version of the you shown to the world?

 

[MT Johnny]

Absolutely two different people - I try to keep them separate, it's not good when the real f'ed up me comes out to the real world.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that many of us are indeed showing the coping versions of ourselves to the world.

I can't hide my symptoms fully, and I have no idea if I ever will be able to because certain symptoms lie more on the automatic reaction side of things. That is, everybody knows there is something "off" about me, even if they can't put a finger on the exact issue. I can't hide it in my personal life, and I can't hide it at school. Not that I don't try, because I try like hell to keep it all hidden away so that I can appear normal. Life will be awesome when I get to the point where my symptoms can be controlled and hidden away from everyone!

 

[ccks]

Do you mind if I ask, but would you be embarrassed if people saw your symptoms?

I felt embarrassed twice when I was triggered in front of others, but at the same time I try to show compassion towards myself. I know I would not have reacted like that before the traumatic event and that helps me not see my symptoms as crazy or weird.

 

[Go Hungry]

I think that I am the coping version that I show to the world. My symptoms are just that, symptoms. Granted, I do try and keep those symptoms hidden if at all possible, to the extent of calling in to work if I'm having a really bad day with them. They can at times be overwhelming and dominate me, but they aren't -me- anymore than my diabetes is -me-. I'm a guy with a disease, that's all.

 

[Suzetig]

I definitely show my coping side to the world and happily, these days, I'm able to cope pretty well. If I am symptomatic I'll arrange some time at home to catch my breath. On occasion something has triggered me in public and people have seen me panic/flinch/whatever - I usually manage that but do get embarrassed if I have a full meltdown in public, doesn't happen often at all now but when it does its horrible.

 

[Tanishq]

I think one should go forward to discuss about their PTSD when they feel person is fully worthy of their own trust, otherwise keep to oneself for their own safety.

I have symptoms, some are very visible yet people around me can't get what I am suffering through.

 

[Friday]

Do you ever feel like you live a different life within yourself, but to the world you appear like someone else or the 'coping version" of you? Or are you the coping version of the you shown to the world?

How much of myself I show the world is directly inverse to how much I care what the world thinks.

 

[greenleaf]

Do you ever feel like you live a different life within yourself, but to the world you appear like someone else or the 'coping version" of you? Or are you the coping version of the you shown to the world?

Definitely, this is the case for a lot of us; if you go to the "Structural Dissociation" threads here, you can see where the structure of ptsd itself (maybe especially that from childhood events?) can make this a default mode before treatment -- as long as we're not too overwhelmed. The "ANP" -- almost normal personality -- is motivated to take care of everyday issues for a lot of people. I'm not sure how much that varies.

So there can be the ANP/EP split(s), but connected are also lots of learned things from our past, where we either found out we wouldn't be believed, maybe people close to us minimized us, etc. I have read that when people are traumatized but in a supportive environment soon after, they tend to develop forms of ptsd less to start with; perhaps the inner/outer split gets healed or does not form.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am indeed embarrassed when people see my symptoms! Well, my family is used to it so I'm not embarrassed around them, but I am embarrassed at school. A few weeks ago I was visibly upset and had to walk out of class. EVERYONE saw it....when I left the first time, when I came back in and got upset again, and when I left the second time. The next week this one guy said "oh, I'm glad you're in a better mood!" I know he meant well because he has a good nature, but at the same time, hearing the word "mood" is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I've had that word used against me my whole life. "You're SO moody!" I had one guy say to me that he wanted to get to know all of my moods, and I retorted "Yeah, cuz I'm SUCH a moody FEMALE!" Yah, that is one of my triggering words (I only have a few). So I guess this went a little tangential, but I hate for people to see my symptoms because in part they will use the "mood" thing against me and I hate it. GAH! But with school, everyone already knows there's something different about me because I get accommodations for testing and such....and I'm in the second semester with most of the same people (2 semester sequence of classes). I can only PRAY that things get better once I'm in my program as I will be in the same classes with the same 20 people for 6 semesters straight....

 

[Tinyflame]

I have always been in awe of people who had the courage or bravery to do what they want, even seemingly small. The truth is it's more adult & respectful of one's self; for example to get up & leave (for whatever reason) if you need to. @Solara don't worry about it if possible.

I didn't come across many people who spoke of similar experiences, if anything that meant feeling awkward & hiding it more.

I agree with @Tanishq , I wouldn't reveal it under almost any circumstance, & very carefully as to whom.

One freeing thought is, most things are either: a) no one's business b) the person is not trustworthy nor sincere nor compassionate, often just curious or nosy or gossipy c) you know they aren't going to 'get it' d) they're only a bit informed & half their details are incorrect e) it was a long time ago & f) I'm not obligated to share anything with anyone if I don't want to.

Yes there is stigma & ignorance, but I wouldn't share even if I were dating unless it became very serious. That's way too much information, IMHO. It's too easily misunderstood & it includes being vulnerable to reveal it. Also, if they can't tolerate the symptoms which do show or occur even when trying not to (don't get me wrong, that's fair) without an explanation it's not going to be necessarily much better with one.

 

[Tinyflame]

PS @Solara , you could have to leave or get up because you have a bad back, you received a critical text because you are a caregiver for someone, or some crisis & it's relevant demanding fallout, you are dealing with someone abusive, you are incontinent for that matter! With the exception of the last I had all those things at your age. I doubt anyone thought of any of those things if they judged me for it, & I really don't think anyone thought ptsd. (They probably thought I was going for a cigarette! :rolleyes: )

Persevere. :hug: