Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Same. I think it's just that travelling x1, if there's a problem, is relatively easy to fix. Problems with x2 or x3 or x4 is really worrying!

You're definitely not alone. I've always been this way. My parents were VERY rigid in every way and would have meltdowns themselves when confronted with last minute changes.

May I suggest ... It's not worth hating yourself over? It's something LOTS of people struggle with. It's worth working on, and it's worth feeling guilty about when you have a meltdown, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. And it's something you're aware of.

I know about 20 women, including my wife, who would be insanely jealous that you just don't do the emotional labor of your household. It's something that I feel really guilty about, but my wife takes care of 99% of that stuff in our house, and it's a major problem here.

Thank you - yes, you're right it isn't worth hating myself over. I hear my spouse in my head basically guilt tripping me, implying that I have special occasion meltdowns to make problems for other people when that isn't the motivation. There isn't any motivation, it's just overwhelm I think.

Haha, well, I am a perfectionist and cannot execute Christmas perfectly so I just barely do it. We almost didn't even have a tree this year because the setup is so stressful to me. My anxiety makes stuff like this really cumbersome. After I posted I decided I'll get a rotisserie chicken, cook some wild rice and roast some veggies and call it good. Simple, still a little bit special but not laboring over tons of different foods which is a recipe for me hating everyone and everything and melting down.

And of course, King's Hawaiian sweet rolls.... ?

 

[somerandomguy]

We've only been able to get King's Hawaiian in the past couple of years here. It's changed my life! ?

 

[HealingMama]

Christmas stuff. Meeting the steps at the airport and driving them to our nearby city. Husband is working most of the time they will be here, as he wasn't allowed to ask off at all this month and used his leverage to cover the weekend so I could go out of town.

We had a long talk last night where I apologized for messing up his own ability to be attached to me. He said if you tell me enough times that you want nothing to do with me, I will start to believe it. Which is fair.

I wonder how much of my relationship issues are on me.

I have to get a wheelchair at the airport. I'm too weak to stand in those security lines.

I think we found a good place to move into. It's very cute, corner lot, small fenced yard for the dog. Lots of natural light which I need for my mental health. I was trying to convince myself to pick the cheapest place which is kind of a dump and smaller than what we have now, but if I'm working from home in the future I really need the natural light.

My husband said last night before we got off the phone that he wished I was there so we could share the bed. That was very nice to hear. I think he forgot that sleeping separately was meant as a practical thing versus relational, once he started the individual therapy.

I really think I need some meds. I think that I have broken my husband's ability to show love with my anger, anxiety, perfectionism and inability to choose my battles. I feel bad for him.

Merry Christmas those that celebrate ?? and Happy Hanukkah if you are of Jewish persuasion ?

 

[HealingMama]

My attachment system is so messed up! My husband has been out of town for several days and working hard to act on previous feedback. He's apologizing freely, trying to talk through stuff instead kf withdrawing, trying to be receptive to my concerns instead of defensive, and yet when he's hours from home I start reading about not liking your partner, hating your partner, stumbled on some stuff about psychopaths and was reading that when he got here. I often question if he is one, there's a duplicitous energy about him, he's charming and lacking in self-awareness so it's a place my mind goes sometimes.

And like, I could feel his good vibes flowing toward me. We weren't arguing. It's like I literally cannot tolerate things just being okay. I mean to be fair we have both hurt each other deeply and there are scars, so I don't exactly get happy about seeing him anymore. But I think internet searching for reasons people hate their spouses is probably some weird unconscious ish.

I don't hate him. I don't particularly like him lately, though. I just got sick of how little he was trying. And the disorganization has really been wearing on me. He is supposed to do an auction for board games and keeps procrastinating. He asked me to help him with the shipping. I said I would if he doesn't time it to inconvenience me. We move in THREE WEEKS. He better get on that stuff like now.

Anyway, I am going to start questioning these moods where i am thinking about hating my partner or whatever negative thoughts are going on when nothing has happened because it's clearly something in me looking for trouble. I hope i can consistently just keep this garbage to myself.

I long to be loved and yet I sabotage it so easily.

Thinking also how I have been overfunctioning. I picked up additional private practice work leaving me with little down time. Part of it is to cover the move and part of it is if I am overworked then I don't see so many "problems to solve." Downtime causes me to end up in more arguments. I wish I could tolerate peace but peace is a trigger. Sigh.

 

[HealingMama]

I broke down crying last night because there was chaos and clutter in every room of my house. Disorganization in the visual environment really affects my mental health to where I get stressed and overwhelmed then totally shut down. Hubby and I had the first date in many weeks, in separate cars, and on the way home I called and asking him to handle parenting so I could get a break. I sat in my car in the dark for like 2 hours. I also asked him to throw a sheet over the pile of boxes in the living room because it was all stressing me so much. When I came home he had moved all the boxes out of the area and tidied up the kitchen as well. I thanked him many times.

I am taking the 3yo 7.5 hours to our new house in 15 or 16 days.

Where we will be living there is not an Ikea nearby and I've been sticking up on things in anticipation of losing access to their cheap furniture ?

I have been very stressed out but my husband has been very supportive. Usually if my stress isn't about him he tries to help me.

Trying to do more self-care but when you're scrambling for a move it isn't easy. My new role is more administrative than clinical, but I'll keep my private practice going because I would be very bored and wilted if I didn't get to continue providing therapy to the people that think I'm a good fit.

 

[HealingMama]

I am soaking in residue of fear from a couple of days ago where i came across hubby's phone bill activity innocently and the same number was on there over and over, way more than mine. He was understanding that it was hard to trust him when it appeared that he was talking to someone so much more.


I was aware that I didn't particularly care if he was sleeping with someone but the idea he was having these fast paced text conversations... That I have longed for... And never get from him ... That is what made me cry. I want so much for him to want to talk to me but he just doesn't. I'm not interesting. There's no passion, it's all status quo humdrum routine where I guess we are both complacent but he asked me for a date Friday so that was nice. Hard to say how much of thay was desire to hang out and how much was trying to prove he isn't cheating, but it's something.

Anyway, turns out his number was being spoofed or something. I was so overtaken with fear and angst I was basically frozen for the entire night. He's afraid of me but that frozen state, that's what I behind the angry part. Just shut down, defeated and sad.

I am relocating in 9 days and I am not ready. I am bingeing crappy food and dangerously close to impulsive online shopping incidents. My routine is jacked, and I'm a routine person. Everything is unsettled and I just want to throw away all this stuff instead of packing it.

 

[HealingMama]

Also, the world is especially dark right now. The fires, the Iran stuff, I am trying to maintain stable mental health and this kind of stuff is making it harder. I'm pretty broke right now, and don't like the idea of my country going to war as a distraction from other things.

I'm just fighting a lot of anxious and depressed thoughts right now and my coping is kind of shit.

It was easier to be an activist when I didn't have a family. My family takes up so much energy, and then I feel guilty for not reaching everyone. But why? I think we can also rescue the world by rescuing ourselves and that is what I am trying to do.

 

[HealingMama]

Last day at current job. Lots of feels.
Hubby and I had another fight that escalated a lot but we came back together. Found a really really good article that speaks to the attachment aspect of our problems.
Anxious-avoidant

I am on a new medication for my autoimmune stuff that basically increases endorphins. I am finding it helpful for hyperarousal symptoms.

A friend suggested I might have OCD based on how I respond to conflict. I am a clinician but not very familiar with OCD. I definitely feel *compelled* to talk issues to death. I have deeply annoyed everyone close to me with this. I find it very hard to stop doing it.

I am also really worried that I will no longer have a solo office in my new role, until I transition to remote work. I am not sure how I am going to cope. I've never had to share an office since I finished school due to the nature of my job. I do not like having roommates. I feel all this pressure.

I bought some small ear buds. Perhaps I can use them to help with grounding.

 

[Deanna]

A friend suggested I might have OCD based on how I respond to conflict. I am a clinician but not very familiar with OCD. I definitely feel *compelled* to talk issues to death. I have deeply annoyed everyone close to me with this. I find it very hard to stop doing it.

She's a good friend! I think you are on the OCD side myself. ( I know we aren't suppose to try and diagnose people's trauma, but I can see OCD in some things you post here, as well. But, number 1 is, I am not here to diagnose your trauma, so don't take in a negative way.) Here's wishing you the best! :hug:

 

[HealingMama]

She's a good friend! I think you are on the OCD side myself. ( I know we aren't suppose to try and diagnose people's trauma, but I can see OCD in some things you post here, as well. But, number 1 is, I am not here to diagnose your trauma, so don't take in a negative way.) Here's wishing you the best! :hug:

Thank you. I don't take that as negative at all. If there is an answer to why I am so perfectionistic and cannot concentrate on anything when my relationship feels out of sorts I'm all for having that answer.

Thanks for chiming in. When I get settled in my new town I'm going to get a psych eval.

 

[HealingMama]

Shame attack.

I am too sensitive to nonverbal communication.

Feeling not good enough.

 

[HealingMama]

I am tired.
I am tired of being so sensitive to negative nonverbal communication.
My husband is like why does everything have to be such a big deal.
I wish I knew. I wish I knew why sometimes everything collapses inside of me and sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I'm raw and other times I'm just my normal functioning self.

Then today it's like I have a cloud of sadness that I'm fighting myself about feeling. It hovers just outside my body then slowly I accept it and feel it but then push it away again.

I just want to be normal and have a normal experience of emotions. I want to not have my identity kind of go through these record skip events where I don't feel like myself.