Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

The evening started and ended on a good, classy note then we argued in the middle of the night. I just bought him a huge container of his favorite snack, had to price compare because the supply chains are collapsing where we are. He went through a huge amount in a short time and I was shocked so I asked why. He took it with him on the road trip and his daughter ate a bunch of it as well. He is super particular about having access to this particular snack so I wish he'd set some limits with her about that. It's exhausting replenishing the supplies constantly. I said something about it being stressful and tiresome and he's like oh, wow this is so hard (sarcastically) as he is ordering more. I told him if you're going to belittle my position like that you can take over ordering all the food for the house because that's what makes it so exhausting. He changed his tune a bit then. But the decision will stand - I am too anxious and stressed and working too much to also have to manage almost everything else and it's not any one item but the exhausting and overwhelming prospect of renewing supplies constantly, trying to find suitable replacements when favorites are sold out, trying to meal plan in a way that effectively uses what we also have already. Let him see for himself. Don't respect my work then you can do it instead.

There was more. I get really triggered seeing him play games or watch tv all the time while I am working so much. He needs to work on getting a better job. I don't think it will happen in the middle of a pandemic but if he took his need to provide seriously he would be using this time for retraining, research, cover letter workshops idk. Every time I see him just lounging it feels like he is telling me "have fun taking care of me, the man child. I say I don't want to be mothered but obviously I really like this part of it."

Ugh. The night didn't end well. He called me names and yelled at me. All because I wanted him to say what is the consequence to himself for breaking the agreement to work on financial viability in his downtime instead of playing games - so that he is spending more time on the former than the latter. I am so tired of watching him act like a damn teenager. I did a great job compartmentalizing all of this to put out yesterday, but the moment I want consideration for my own concerns and needs he wants to act like a big baby.

 

[HealingMama]

And just like that the angst is gone. Thanks Buspar.

 

[HealingMama]

This thread is really triggering.

I am having a body flashback reading it but have no actual conscious memory of being told not to tell. I must bring this up with my T.

 

[HealingMama]

Angry. Under that, sad and afraid.

He told me I pick fights too much and if I don't stop he wants to end the relationship. I said good. There's a lot he is doing that I do not respect. He broke his agreement. Again. And he sits around all day. I hate it when he sits around like that. He slept two hours later than me and he took a nap! Must be nice. That strikes me as very unfair.

I'm not perfect and I maybe should never have a relationship after this one because I apparently really suck at them. But my God I am so tired of blame shifting and victim attitudes and martyrdom.

There are things about having a passive, unambitious partner that I may miss if/when we split. I'm not sure I'll miss anything about being married to someone with severe ADHD that isn't taking responsibility for adhering to a proper treatment plan. It's been pretty difficult.

I really wish he had taken responsibility in this way because then if I'm still complaining all the time and "picking fights" I'd have no choice but to look at that. As it is now so much of what I'm angry about is stuff that other wives also get really angry about. It's hard to buy that this is all some issue in me when so many others say me too, me too.

I'm tired of being so angry but don't know how to accept a relationship where I regularly feel taken advantage of either.

Nobody is perfect. Maybe my expectations are too high. At least he isn't an addict. He doesn't steal from me. He doesn't cheat. He's tried to do a lot more around the house. I mean at this point he's been such a martyr his anger gets crazy really quickly so it's probably broken beyond repair anyway. He clearly has contempt for me. I think if he made an effort to treat the ADHD at home and made an effort to stop being so passive and unambitious I would be able to respect him. I also think that I don't understand how to be in a relationship. I think that I should have spent my life having sexual flings with no attachments. Much cleaner that way.

 

[HealingMama]

Saw a marriage counselor this weekend who was pretty worthless. He actually told me to use my therapy skills on my husband, and said to throw out all the diagnostic labels. Husband agrees in our situation that advice is trash.

Write the above while we were getting along. Today we had a small thing that resulted in him just leaving without saying when he's coming back and I am so tired of this. I told him I don't want to get close anymore because I can't trust him to stay that way. He trashes the attachment the first time he is mad at me. I'd rather grieve once than grieve over and over because he keeps tricking me into dropping my guard again.

So, hello grief and depression. I don't want to trust at all when I'm just going to be let down again. Easier not to trust. Or to trust people to be inconsistent and myopic.

It was fun while it lasted.

 

[HealingMama]

He apologized sort of but it doesn't matter because the reason this hits me so hard hasn't changed.

Everyone I let get close to me leaves.
Everyone I get close to will bail when I need them the most.

I mean, even if I apply cognitive restructuring I know that cannot be true because it is phrased too extremely. But in the case of my husband it really is what the evidence shows in the sense that he gets flooded and won't use his words to take leave in a trauma informed way. It just keeps happening. Therefore I can either keep letting him in and keep getting hurt or stop letting him in. I wish I knew how to stop letting him in for good.

 

[HealingMama]

Yesterday I saw a post elsewhere about a woman in her 40s beginning to have memories surface of childhood sexual abuse and had a panic attack.

Still no conscious "story" surfacing but lots of body flashbacks and probable implicit memory elements.

How do you process something you can't remember?

Messaged my T to be sure that this can be addressed next session.

 

[HealingMama]

Therapy today. My T helped me see that there is probably *something* valid to my internal reaction about those abuse posts. The panic that wells up doesn't feel like me but someone else holding it and feeding it to me.

He also confronted a pattern that he was observing where I start to talk about parts and internal communication and then deny it, discount it, talk myself out of it. I told him it is hard to talk about this stuff and admit it to myself because my husband's favorite negative assessment of me is that I am crazy, and if I have fragments of people inside of me then he's right - I AM crazy. It's easier to just not fully believe it. It's also less scary.

There's a part inside that is afraid of the truth being out there, either through speaking it in words or even me knowing more about what is happening inside myself. There is also a part that feels young that is afraid of getting in trouble.

My therapist read back to me some of the sexual oriented stuff we uncovered a few weeks ago and my internal system was noticeably silent about it. This is so hard. I wonder if there's a different part of me holding the emotional content that is relevant to the sexual stuff because the stuff we talked about was really intense and SHOULD make me react emotionally.

It is interesting to me, how I will occasionally see the title of my journal and think wow, what an appropriate name for my trauma journal journey, because it can feel very much like there is a shattered story that I am trying to piece together. Until avoidance and denial takes over again. I'm sure it's frustrating for the parts inside that do want to communicate with this me.

My therapist in each session will take time to speak to "the system as a whole" and it's interesting how warm and happy I feel when he does that. Apparently I am not making space for all of myself very well.

 

[HealingMama]

Been reading about repressed memories of childhood trauma. When I relax and inquire within a child part feeds a lot of fear and anguish to me. I also got something like a faded image of a young girl saying "he's hurting me".

I have been reading that going fishing for memories isn't necessary useful. I think if I didn't feel like there's someone inside me trying to tell me about this I wouldn't be doing it. But I'm trying to make more room for all of myself and acknowledging the possibility of experiences I can't remember seems to be important.

I am really struggling with feeling like I am faking or making all of this up which is apparently pretty common for people who experience these symptoms.

My hypervigilence has been crazy high since yesterday. I wish car horns could somehow only be used to warn people about impending wrecks. It is so so so hard on my body when people honk their horns to rush me.

 

[HealingMama]

Feeling yucky today. Might be ungrounded. Might be too open.

Thinking about how I've not made any friends in my new area, how I've apparently sabotaged the budding friendships with my new colleagues (or maybe that is anxiety talking), feeling like I'm not the superstar here that I was before. Also husband is really cranky and moody today and has taken it out on me a lot. But then wants to watch a movie together. Uh, no, I don't want to invite more hostility pointing at me whether it is personal to me or not. It is rude to take your mood out on other people.

One of my chronic illnesses can have vascular side effects and I'm reading about healthy people dying from strokes who are COVID-19 positive so that's cool. Not.

I think under this weird sensory state I'm in, I am having some emotions that I don't know how to get to. I am sad or lonely or scared and it sucks when you compartmentalize so well you can't get to the feelings when you need/want to.

 

[HealingMama]

Partner told stepdaughter she could attend a social event just before driving to visit us, and also told her to hide from me the fact she had been around a bunch of people. In case you don't know I'm considered high risk with this virus. So he effectively told her it was ok to put my life in danger and then hide it from me.

He didn't ask me how I felt about bringing her here after she is around more people in a pandemic. Not only did he not ask, he encouraged her to be dishonest about it.

What a great thing to do to someone with PTSD and the associated trust issues.

I have been very angry. I have been wondering if I can get past this or if I even should. Part of me thinks it is unwise to accept whatever effort he makes to repair the situation because he clearly thought this way of thinking is okay and there's no evidence he won't do this again. Probably most of the time it won't involve life or death consequences. But still. Wow.

Sad thing is I've been so upset about so many things over the years he just hears noise. He doesn't get how truly f*cked up this was.

Cognitive distortions
When I trust others, they will betray me.
Everyone I let close to me will let me down.
I can't rely on anyone but myself.
Closeness is dangerous because I can't control what other people do.

 

[HealingMama]

Ugh, husband is late getting home from work - here I am thinking his betrayal about pandemic exposure is a deal breaker and fighting intrusive thoughts about him cheating like seriously who really even cares if he is cheating at this point. I hate my stupid brain. It is obsessing over the fact that he took the car seat out of his car before he left which makes room to lie down in the car.

Who cares Healing Mama? So what if he is. This is a dumpster fire anyway.

Of course I care. I would rather he dump me than cheat because cheating involves lying and betrayal. End the marriage like an adult before you get some elsewhere.

Back to the pandemic problem. It's hard to find my thought processes now that my prn has kicked in but I need to try.
He knows the doctor told me to stay in, that I am high risk, that I have occasionally expressed fear of dying, leaving our young child motherless, whether my spouse could manage the administrative demands of parenting alone, not to mention the financial demands if my salary disappears. I discussed those concerns matter of factly, without any drama or emotionality except maybe a stray tear or two.

He decided to put his daughter's need to have fun over my need to not die, and decided it was okay to not tell me.

He changed his story, but the fact that it would have been okay for him just confirms that he doesn't care about my safety needs at all. He doesn't care about my security. If he did he would not have ever agreed to that, and he would work harder to make more money also because I constantly worry about him not saving anything for retirement when I do not make enough to fund more than one retirement account.

All around me flashing signs of his untrustworthiness, unreliability, a lot of that he can't help, but it is what it is.

I experience him as a liability in my life and as a source of danger not safety and comfort. And because of that, he also experiences me as a source of danger instead of comfort.

Tonight I also had to google the difference between a panic attack and a heart attack. First time I wasn't sure which one I was experiencing.

I wish I could fast forward to an alternate timeline to get a glimpse of whether I would just be this crazy untrustworthy person no matter who I am with, or if being with someone that believes in open communication, transparency, and consistency would bring out very different behavior.