Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

@TruthSeeker I tried to pop over to your activity to respond to some of your stuff, as a thank you for your effort and kindness in responding to mine. I was not able to see your activity, which I respect, but I wanted you to know my intentions so I'm writing this instead.

 

[HealingMama]

You apparently cannot accept me with my flaws the way I've accepted your adhd.
I keep getting hurt by your inability or unwillingness to be emotionally present empathically even in times of deep pain or need.
I have done a lot of self work and nothing will ever be enough. You will never give me approval, care, safety, warmth, concern again. If you were able to then you would have.
I do not think it is healthy for me to be trying to earn those things. They should be freely given.
The healthy thing is for you to make space for me to find a partner that is willing to meet my needs without me having to prove myself or somehow erase parts of my core self like you'd have to cleave away your adhd.
I deserve to be with someone that is willing to accept me as I am and love me as I am. Not someone that will only meet my needs if I put myself in a perfect container.
As I said before I need you to follow through on it bc I can't.
I need you to stop hurting me by keeping me in a space of hoping for something you'll never give me. For something you are capable of doing but won't.
Please do not make me stay in this situation anymore.
It is bad for my self esteem and mental health to go months and years being told through actions that I am not worthy of having my basic relationship needs met.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@TruthSeeker I tried to pop over to your activity to respond to some of your stuff, as a thank you for your effort and kindness in responding to mine. I was not able to see your activity, which I respect, but I wanted you to know my intentions so I'm writing this instead.

So, I'm confused......I don't understand "pop over to your activity" -what that means.......are you talking about my diary? Are your "intentions" your 2:44am post, or this one?

Thanks. Actually I don't know what I need. It changes constantly based on what I'm experiencing emotionally. It's exhausting. I don't trust my husband but he's also the only person I've attached to in my life including after 15 years of therapy... I never attached to any of my therapists. So I don't trust him, but is it because I don't trust attachment? He mostly tried to be safe for many years, but is human, and not perfect, and my broken parts expect perfection or there is devastation.

The relationship has a lot of problems and I can never tell which ones are mine, which are his, which are how we fit together.

When I am single, I tend to dissociate more. My apartment was a mess as a single person because I just tuned it all out. Being partnered keeps me present. But now that I have a kid I'm sure that will function the same way.

Maybe the SH is a protector? I haven't really thought about it. When I'm doing it i am not trying to hurt myself. I'm trying to get some of the emotions out of my body bc they are so overwhelming it's like they are burning me from the inside out.

Consider making a list of alternative behaviors and posting them in your bedroom.....alternate behaviors to SH. If that is leave the house and go to the park for a hike, go to the gym, lifting weights.....grab your camera and take some photos, .....but find distractions that requires you to move from the room you are in and do something physical.....for a distraction. Giving into the thoughts of SH only breeds more negativity...and shame. Cutting releases chemicals in the brain that are feel good chemicals.....so, go eat something sugery or exercise-both of which also release feel good chemicals. When you SH.....brain sooths emotions with chemicals....you can do the same with alternate more healthy behaviors.

I was attached to my husband because I needed to belong - I think that is a basic human need, but so is being treated with respect. Over 25 years, I realized the husband wasn't capable of love.....he needed so much control and I tried to play a role to keep the emotional balance in the house with the family (the fixer)..........I guess living somewhere with someone at the time was better than being alone and scared. I ended up married, but not physically alone, but emotionally alone in the relationhip and not trusting my X. After a long rocky marriage.....I was not alone and scared....with little control.

I came to the conclusion that being in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust where there wasn't mutual respect was worse than being alone without a spouse. Also, the idea that I'd be no-one without family was what kept me there so long. After divorcing, it took about 6 months for me to realize how much energy I expended between begging for a change in his behavior, dealing with all the chaos in the house, dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics, and feeling so alone, hurt and ashamed of where I was......and not getting out earlier. That all takes massive amount of energy just to cope with.

Within about 6 months of moving, I found there are substantial perks to being alone.....all alone without family crap. There is no drama in my home except drama I create and I don't get blindsided by other's crap. There is no one's business I need to attend to but my own. There is always peace and quiet in a safe space and the encounters with drama might be based on how much it costs to fix my toilet or a neighbor parking on my grass without asking....not being attacked or made fun of.......When married, my safe space was my car so I could get away from X and have a safe space from the drama.....now it's my home. No one to argue over stupid shit......I have the remote....and it's mine, and I dictate who comes in my home-and it's not drama seekers. I take care to keep my home feeling like a place that is comfortable to be...and to express myself in whatever talents they may be. My personal goal is to find contentment and peace and live with integrity. I had to come to the conclusion if I surrounded myself with ill-behaved people, then I would always be in the midst of other's drama......and there is a role that I'd have to play to remain with someone-and I couldn't be who I wanted to be. It was hard leaving, I had to learn to be comfortable alone, and accept the sounds of a quiet place....like cats meowing and looking forward to doing things that interested me. I now have had so many more opportunities to be just me, while maintaining my sanity, and learning to live differently without all the drama.

What is your one ultimate goal in life? With your relationship with your husband, do you feel you have the support to attain your life goal? Can you count on him to be there for you in your journey?

As far as your child, I spent 10 years alone before remarrying. Unknowingly, I took my daughter into more shit with husband #2 and if I could change one thing, that would be it. What is your goal for your daughter? What we model is what they learn....and that's where we learn how men and women relate...by watching our parents. What is your child learning about your relationships at home? I leave you with that to ponder........ Good luck there!

 

[HealingMama]

So, I'm confused......I don't understand "pop over to your activity" -what that means.......are you talking about my diary? Are your "intentions" your 2:44am post, or this one?

Consider making a list of alternative behaviors and posting them in your bedroom.....alternate behaviors to SH. If that is leave the house and go to the park for a hike, go to the gym, lifting weights.....grab your camera and take some photos, .....but find distractions that requires you to move from the room you are in and do something physical.....for a distraction. Giving into the thoughts of SH only breeds more negativity...and shame. Cutting releases chemicals in the brain that are feel good chemicals.....so, go eat something sugery or exercise-both of which also release feel good chemicals. When you SH.....brain sooths emotions with chemicals....you can do the same with alternate more healthy behaviors.

I was attached to my husband because I needed to belong - I think that is a basic human need, but so is being treated with respect. Over 25 years, I realized the husband wasn't capable of love.....he needed so much control and I tried to play a role to keep the emotional balance in the house with the family (the fixer)..........I guess living somewhere with someone at the time was better than being alone and scared. I ended up married, but not physically alone, but emotionally alone in the relationhip and not trusting my X. After a long rocky marriage.....I was not alone and scared....with little control.

I came to the conclusion that being in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust where there wasn't mutual respect was worse than being alone without a spouse. Also, the idea that I'd be no-one without family was what kept me there so long. After divorcing, it took about 6 months for me to realize how much energy I expended between begging for a change in his behavior, dealing with all the chaos in the house, dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics, and feeling so alone, hurt and ashamed of where I was......and not getting out earlier. That all takes massive amount of energy just to cope with.

Within about 6 months of moving, I found there are substantial perks to being alone.....all alone without family crap. There is no drama in my home except drama I create and I don't get blindsided by other's crap. There is no one's business I need to attend to but my own. There is always peace and quiet in a safe space and the encounters with drama might be based on how much it costs to fix my toilet or a neighbor parking on my grass without asking....not being attacked or made fun of.......When married, my safe space was my car so I could get away from X and have a safe space from the drama.....now it's my home. No one to argue over stupid shit......I have the remote....and it's mine, and I dictate who comes in my home-and it's not drama seekers. I take care to keep my home feeling like a place that is comfortable to be...and to express myself in whatever talents they may be. My personal goal is to find contentment and peace and live with integrity. I had to come to the conclusion if I surrounded myself with ill-behaved people, then I would always be in the midst of other's drama......and there is a role that I'd have to play to remain with someone-and I couldn't be who I wanted to be. It was hard leaving, I had to learn to be comfortable alone, and accept the sounds of a quiet place....like cats meowing and looking forward to doing things that interested me. I now have had so many more opportunities to be just me, while maintaining my sanity, and learning to live differently without all the drama.

What is your one ultimate goal in life? With your relationship with your husband, do you feel you have the support to attain your life goal? Can you count on him to be there for you in your journey?

As far as your child, I spent 10 years alone before remarrying. Unknowingly, I took my daughter into more shit with husband #2 and if I could change one thing, that would be it. What is your goal for your daughter? What we model is what they learn....and that's where we learn how men and women relate...by watching our parents. What is your child learning about your relationships at home? I leave you with that to ponder........ Good luck there!

I guess I meant your diary, or your profile page. Somewhere that you make available to the forum. I was going to participate in whatever way was publicly available. When I come here sometimes I have tunnel vision and can be self absorbed and am trying not to be like that this time.

My self harm isn't cutting thankfully. A list of alternatives sounds like a good idea. Thank you.

Problem is I don't know if he is trustworthy or not. I think he tries to be. When I am not reactive and aggressive he is very supportive. Like today, after speaking to a new therapist about an intake appointment I finally am feeling more like myself but still much closer to triggering than usual. I asked my son not to walk behind me on the couch and my husband was very quick to back me up and help me enforce it because he knows this is part of the PTSD that I'm asking for that.

In many ways being alone would be nice. I would enjoy not being responsible for as many people. But that's also my PTSD avoidance. I avoid connecting with people in real life because it can be so triggering, and it's so hard to even recognize what is a PTSD trigger and what is a problem because the person just sucks.

I think some of my parts trust him and some don't. I think that if the marriage ends it will be because he makes it happen. I am realizing that I do not have the constitution to hold in my mind this desire long enough for it to happen, as it usually takes several days to accomplish it. Because I was raised with abuse I am very good at compartmentalizing away unpleasant relationship experiences in order to make things more comfortable. So I work against myself when it comes to following through on it.

 

[HealingMama]

I had one of the therapists call me this morning to discuss my consult request. She has dissociative disorders listed on her Psychology Today profile which is promising. I have an appointment later this week.

I may have been overly open in the intake. She said it would take up to 45 minutes and I spent about two hours on it, I'm not sure how. The amount of words in my answers wasn't particularly high.

I feel like I generally present as high functioning, but that's not the full picture and I wanted her to know that. I tried to explain all the parts stuff too. At least what I am aware of.

I have done a lot of general trauma work. The attachment stuff is still bothering me. I can't do that part alone and my spouse although probably well intentioned is not a therapist, isn't trained as one, and can't be expected to repattern my attachment for me.

Speaking to the therapist actually snapped me out of the lingering depersonalization I was dealing with. I woke up feeling depressed, numb and sad. I feel more like me now.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I guess I meant your diary, or your profile page. Somewhere that you make available to the forum. I was going to participate in whatever way was publicly available. When I come here sometimes I have tunnel vision and can be self absorbed and am trying not to be like that this time.

My self harm isn't cutting thankfully. A list of alternatives sounds like a good idea. Thank you.

Problem is I don't know if he is trustworthy or not. I think he tries to be. When I am not reactive and aggressive he is very supportive. Like today, after speaking to a new therapist about an intake appointment I finally am feeling more like myself but still much closer to triggering than usual. I asked my son not to walk behind me on the couch and my husband was very quick to back me up and help me enforce it because he knows this is part of the PTSD that I'm asking for that.

In many ways being alone would be nice. I would enjoy not being responsible for as many people. But that's also my PTSD avoidance. I avoid connecting with people in real life because it can be so triggering, and it's so hard to even recognize what is a PTSD trigger and what is a problem because the person just sucks.

I think some of my parts trust him and some don't. I think that if the marriage ends it will be because he makes it happen. I am realizing that I do not have the constitution to hold in my mind this desire long enough for it to happen, as it usually takes several days to accomplish it. Because I was raised with abuse I am very good at compartmentalizing away unpleasant relationship experiences in order to make things more comfortable. So I work against myself when it comes to following through on it.

As far as catching up with me in my diary....I use the diary place to work out issues....and usually pick one person to invite in to respond. That way, I can be sure that I'm not telling my stuff to the world and a family member recognizes me (I have family members w PTSD who have come here before)....

Yep....as far as knowing whether someone is trustworthy......as yourself if you know what trustworthy looks and feels like.....do you see it in yourself? Do you feel a necessity for honesty in what you do and expect others to be the same way....or do you kinda edge around honesty sometimes? Do you feel like you have integrity? Are these qualities important for you to be modeling to your child? If these qualities are something you value....do you model it in your everyday value system? I really did an "overhaul" of my values.....and deciding to set boundaries with everyone, and walk my talk....so..........when I'm on my deathbed, I want to be able to view myself differently than I have in the past. It all comes down, for me, to how I treat others......so I kinda narrowed it down to 2 rules...walk my talk, and follow the golden rule (treat others as I want to be treated). And if values weren't something you were taught and saw modeled....try reflecting on how you want to be treated.....and decide that you will mirror the behaviors you feel are important in life. This way, daily, in your head....you will be spending each day evaluating your own behavior.....because that becomes the goal, and your efforts will be focused on you......making positive changes, and not thoughts of "whose not being honest" or "can't trust him" kinda thing. When your energy is totally focused on you......making positive changes.....he'll be more inclined not to leave if he sees you earnestly focused on positive changes and are trying. I know in my relationship, please and thank you "disappeared" and asking rather than telling someone I needed help became a courteousy I began to skip over. So, that's all I have for feedback now. Good luck...have a nice weekend.

 

[HealingMama]

As far as catching up with me in my diary....I use the diary place to work out issues....and usually pick one person to invite in to respond. That way, I can be sure that I'm not telling my stuff to the world and a family member recognizes me (I have family members w PTSD who have come here before)....

Yep....as far as knowing whether someone is trustworthy......as yourself if you know what trustworthy looks and feels like.....do you see it in yourself? Do you feel a necessity for honesty in what you do and expect others to be the same way....or do you kinda edge around honesty sometimes? Do you feel like you have integrity? Are these qualities important for you to be modeling to your child? If these qualities are something you value....do you model it in your everyday value system? I really did an "overhaul" of my values.....and deciding to set boundaries with everyone, and walk my talk....so..........when I'm on my deathbed, I want to be able to view myself differently than I have in the past. It all comes down, for me, to how I treat others......so I kinda narrowed it down to 2 rules...walk my talk, and follow the golden rule (treat others as I want to be treated). And if values weren't something you were taught and saw modeled....try reflecting on how you want to be treated.....and decide that you will mirror the behaviors you feel are important in life. This way, daily, in your head....you will be spending each day evaluating your own behavior.....because that becomes the goal, and your efforts will be focused on you......making positive changes, and not thoughts of "whose not being honest" or "can't trust him" kinda thing. When your energy is totally focused on you......making positive changes.....he'll be more inclined not to leave if he sees you earnestly focused on positive changes and are trying. I know in my relationship, please and thank you "disappeared" and asking rather than telling someone I needed help became a courteousy I began to skip over. So, that's all I have for feedback now. Good luck...have a nice weekend.

Thank you. That explains why I was not able to see any activity to share my own support.

As far as trust, honesty, I mean... I have parts, they sometimes do things counter to what I'd like to be doing. So no, I don't trust myself. There's a lot of inner conflict going on. I do try to be honest, it's important to me, but am I also diplomatic sometimes? Sure. And I can only be as honest as the level of truth I'm aware of.

I definitely need to do as you suggest and refocus my energy on myself, my own goals and needs and trying to meet as many of them as possible on my own. My husband is burned out. He chose to be there for me in a way that was not sustainable. And now, he has a hard time being there like I need. Tonight he was playing with the dog and the quick movements of his hands were triggering my hypervigilence so I put my hand up to block my sight of his movements and he says you could have just asked me to stop. I teared up and said you accommodate me too much.

I just told him last night that if he cannot reclaim some amount of warmth towards me then I would rather he does leave. I'd rather he left than be here saying he loves me but the emotions aren't there. I mean for him being a man who is more mentally oriented he really did a lot to be there for me, but I had bigger needs than he could have fulfilled and now we are both dealing with the consequences.

I had a hard time functioning today. Him being here made everything work a lot better. That's kind of scary though because him being here increases the chance that I will fall apart.

But yes, refocusing on myself is healthy regardless of the rest. Thanks for the advice.

 

[HealingMama]

Today was really f*cking hard.
I was feeling mostly normal until we decided to go out and have family time. Get ice cream, take kid to the playground. As we were getting ready there's a part inside me getting super anxious about going out. And it was super active the entire time. I could not really track any conversations, and was dealing with perception issues where I felt like gumby, then I felt like my body was bigger than it should be.

Eating settled it all down a bit. I thought I was feeling better even though husband told me I could go lie down and he'd take care of everything else. But then I felt all wonky again.

We were watching a show and I was having random panic attacks, felt like screaming inside, it was not good. But I also felt safe with my husband? I mean I was around him most of the day. Going out was what made everything go sideways. It felt good to be held by him.

Ugh I even tried when we were out and it got so intense I came to the car and tried to talk to myself, to the part that was so scared, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I'm like I know you're scared but I'll take care of you and I guess I don't believe that? It didn't help.

I just want to feel like regular me. I don't like when things get shuffled around like this. If I'm trying to do some kind of integration I guess I need to get used to it.

 

[HealingMama]

I want to acknowledge that my husband brought me breakfast in bed today. He got up with our son so I could get more rest. He cleaned the living room before I went in there. He volunteered to do extra parenting when he saw that I was struggling still. My son asked if we could eat dinner out and my husband said no basically because he knew I was overstimulated (or something) and would not handle it very well.

So when I come here in my angry fighty parts, I just want there to be a record of the kindness that he shows me.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you. That explains why I was not able to see any activity to share my own support.

As far as trust, honesty, I mean... I have parts, they sometimes do things counter to what I'd like to be doing. So no, I don't trust myself. There's a lot of inner conflict going on. I do try to be honest, it's important to me, but am I also diplomatic sometimes? Sure. And I can only be as honest as the level of truth I'm aware of.

I definitely need to do as you suggest and refocus my energy on myself, my own goals and needs and trying to meet as many of them as possible on my own. My husband is burned out. He chose to be there for me in a way that was not sustainable. And now, he has a hard time being there like I need. Tonight he was playing with the dog and the quick movements of his hands were triggering my hypervigilence so I put my hand up to block my sight of his movements and he says you could have just asked me to stop. I teared up and said you accommodate me too much.

I just told him last night that if he cannot reclaim some amount of warmth towards me then I would rather he does leave. I'd rather he left than be here saying he loves me but the emotions aren't there. I mean for him being a man who is more mentally oriented he really did a lot to be there for me, but I had bigger needs than he could have fulfilled and now we are both dealing with the consequences.

I had a hard time functioning today. Him being here made everything work a lot better. That's kind of scary though because him being here increases the chance that I will fall apart.

But yes, refocusing on myself is healthy regardless of the rest. Thanks for the advice.

The other thing about triggers.....they are our problem....not someone else's....that's the way I see it.....so if you are triggered or uncomfortable.......you initiate, you stop the merry-go-round your head is on, get up and move or go to the bathroom, sit on potty and breathe, do grounding work, talk to inner self and say you are safe......flush potty and wash hands......and come out refreshed.....and then you can pat yourself on the back for handling it yourself......that's how I handle it and I tell no one.....it's my mental health kicking up with triggers and I don't feel it is right to worry others with that....it's mine to fix.....and I can't have the expectation that others will change their behavior because I'm having a mental health moment and it's well, maybe unfair or unrealistic for you to expect him to meet those kinds of needs.........

I was in a very dependent dysfunctional relationship and when I left....I needed to be independent because there was no one else.... and I realized it was my responsibility to fix my own shit. It is a comfortable place to be dependent and I did lots less as a result and became the weak link in the team.....and I did my role well in the dysfunctional family.

You can choose to be a strong woman...You can rise up and deal with your triggers and you can make your parts feel safe and secure with inner communication. You can expect more from you, focus and implement strategies to help you manage your triggers, because each time you successfully manage them....you'll feel more confident and will be inclined to do it again.....manage or find strategies to stop what is triggering. Just a thought.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I want to acknowledge that my husband brought me breakfast in bed today. He got up with our son so I could get more rest. He cleaned the living room before I went in there. He volunteered to do extra parenting when he saw that I was struggling still. My son asked if we could eat dinner out and my husband said no basically because he knew I was overstimulated (or something) and would not handle it very well.

So when I come here in my angry fighty parts, I just want there to be a record of the kindness that he shows me.

That is so sweet! That's real trying!

 

[HealingMama]

The other thing about triggers.....they are our problem....not someone else's....that's the way I see it.....so if you are triggered or uncomfortable.......you initiate, you stop the merry-go-round your head is on, get up and move or go to the bathroom, sit on potty and breathe, do grounding work, talk to inner self and say you are safe......flush potty and wash hands......and come out refreshed.....and then you can pat yourself on the back for handling it yourself......that's how I handle it and I tell no one.....it's my mental health kicking up with triggers and I don't feel it is right to worry others with that....it's mine to fix.....and I can't have the expectation that others will change their behavior because I'm having a mental health moment and it's well, maybe unfair or unrealistic for you to expect him to meet those kinds of needs.........

I was in a very dependent dysfunctional relationship and when I left....I needed to be independent because there was no one else.... and I realized it was my responsibility to fix my own shit. It is a comfortable place to be dependent and I did lots less as a result and became the weak link in the team.....and I did my role well in the dysfunctional family.

You can choose to be a strong woman...You can rise up and deal with your triggers and you can make your parts feel safe and secure with inner communication. You can expect more from you, focus and implement strategies to help you manage your triggers, because each time you successfully manage them....you'll feel more confident and will be inclined to do it again.....manage or find strategies to stop what is triggering. Just a thought.

Thank you. He definitely has encouraged dependency in me. Now he doesn't want it and I don't either but parts of me do.

That was why I just blocked my vision when I was getting hypervigilant. I'm trying to take matters into my own hands. Problem is I was overly Independent for many years. I did not accept my own neediness. I didn't not listen to it. In many situations I still don't, I just push right past myself.

He taught me to love myself enough to be present to my needs. He just also trained me to try to get them met through him, and he shouldn't have done that.

So, I have to be careful with independence, because it easily becomes invalidation. I am trying to find my way to being more responsible for myself though. I mean I need to do it regardless of what happens with the relationship, because the needs don't get met with my husband anyway. Not the way I want them to be. I have this dumb wish fulfillment stuff that tries to play out and it's just not good. Ok, I can't call it dumb, it's a valid desire behind it, but I'm a grown up not a child and I'm in charge of myself.

I am hoping this new therapist will help me with the mindset I need to use to approach dependence vs independence. My husband doesn't have that stuff right either.