I guess I'm having a pity party. I'm frustrated that every time I get healthier and stronger, I get another set back (overgeneralization? @Ms Spock .) Surgery sucks. While not many of them have been too major, I always wonder if this time will be the time I don't wake up...and that gets me thinking do I even want to wake up? I have had at least one surgery where I didn't want to and a couple breathing treatments later I had no choice. I was in recovery thinking if I just stop breathing all the way then it won't be considered suicide and my boys will be better off without me as well as have my life insurance to help them. Yes, not the healthiest thinking, but my depression was bad and I think whatever is used during surgeries depressed me more.
I have let my support person know this and she helps me convey my concerns to the anesthesiologist.
Anyway, I have to have surgery on two off my fingers Thursday and the thoughts are going through my mind again. Two weeks ago I finally was able to return to my workouts, yes, with pain, but I needed the exercise. I will have to change what I enjoy doing due to the surgery for a few weeks and am having pity party about it....hey, guess this means I have a desire to live yet! Just realized that.
I have been avoiding my friends, support people, and until now, my PTSD community.
I have let my support person know this and she helps me convey my concerns to the anesthesiologist.
Anyway, I have to have surgery on two off my fingers Thursday and the thoughts are going through my mind again. Two weeks ago I finally was able to return to my workouts, yes, with pain, but I needed the exercise. I will have to change what I enjoy doing due to the surgery for a few weeks and am having pity party about it....hey, guess this means I have a desire to live yet! Just realized that.
I have been avoiding my friends, support people, and until now, my PTSD community.
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