Relationship Please Help, I Need Advice! I Dont Know How I Can Handle This.

[armywife05]

Some of you may have read my posts about my husbands ptsd getting really out of control the last few weeks. Well i ended up making him leave our home until i moved out because i couldnt deal with the emotional abuse. I finally moved out and we have done nothing but argue. Heres a little run down:

Well this past month his drinking got out of control. He started going out with friends constantly, staying out all night which led us to fight. Then the last few weeks he has been bringing up past relationship issues we had before he deployed. (long story short his family and i do not like each other) We grew close when he was deployed because none of his family contacted him during his deployment, dunno why). Anyways, he told me he wanted a divorce. Then as soon as he told me that became CRUEL to me. I am not saying he is the reason to blame for everything. I think i pushed him over the edge with nagging (nagging about the drinking, not doing anything at home. But i felt overwhelmed). Ever since he told me he wanted a divorce he has become so cold and distant towards me (he has been distant and cold for a few months but now he acts as if he hates me.) We are due to have our 2nd son here in about 6 weeks and he has not been emotionally there for the pregnancy at all. Even less now. He does not talk about the baby at all, does not ask how the pregnancy is gone, etc. He has distanced himself from me, this unborn baby and my oldest son who is his step-son.

I have of course been stupid and cried and begged for him to work things out, i felt like he was being irrational and doing all this out of anger, he knows he has anger issues since being home. He has pretty much told me everyone is more important to him than me. He has been partying non-stop since leaving me. He has even recently made an account on a dating website. He tells me how much he cant stand me constantly and he doesnt love me, etc. He had a break down the day he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he was about to commit himself in to a mental ward because he felt nuts and didnt know what was wrong with him. He said he was going to call his commander and tell him to lock him up in a mental ward. That was the day he told me he wanted a divorce. Well everything has completely spiraled out of control. We have both been really mean to each other (more so him than me). This whole year i feel like i have dealt with so much. I have tip toed around him because he gets so annoyed and irritated so easy. He became so lazy during this year, i did everything. Took care of the kids, house work, mowed the lawn, took the trash out, etc. all he did was sleep and drink. I have been a drunk babysitter for the past year to him. So there is a lot of resentment and anger there. He said he resents me because i made him feel like he has to choose between me and his family. Which is not just my fault, its his moms fault too. Anyways, i feel like a target. I feel like i get the grunt of all his anger out bursts. I have been blowing up his phone begging him to work things out or crying because of how mean he has been to me. He has completely shoved me out of his life. We have been married for almost 5 years, we have a 2 year old son and about to have another little boy. I just dont understand how he can be so mean to me. He told me that me bothering him does nothing but make him angrier. He said he has severe anger issues now, he admits he has issues from being deployed. He said he is trying to get help. But i really know what to do or how to handle all of this. It makes it sort of worse because im emotional because of the pregnancy. Everything he has done has completely destroyed me.

Should i just leave him a lone? i do worry about him partying so much. I moved back home with my mom because of the anger out bursts from him and he wanted me to leave.

Is this normal? Why am i the target? How should i handle this? I really want to work things out, but he has said move on, he hates me, etc. I really dont want ptsd to control our relationship. I want to be there for him but it seems like the more i try to be there the farther he pushes me away. please help!

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I want to be there for him but it seems like the more i try to be there the farther he pushes me away

You've hit the nail on the head right there.

Army, I belive you are doing what you can, and have done what you can. It's very clear that you love your husband, but you may be overloading an overloaded mind right now. I know it's tough, I KNOW it is, but you need to dig deep and back off. The more you keep going, the more he'll rage.

He told me that me bothering him does nothing but make him angrier

Take that as 100% truth army. I hate to say "you may be doing more harm than good", but it's probably the case. I could tell the pushing I had done made my ex-sgt. angry as well, causing more isolation and all the goodies that go with it.

He probably needs the highs that he he got overseas in war. That's what some search for when they come back, things that will bring on that excitement and release of endorphines. I know it's damn near impossible to try to do, but just cease contact for now and let him get it out of his system - whatever it is.

It's time for some very very deep breaths. You're panicked and scared. You have every right to be, but reach in and gather yourself for your childrens sake. It's been said a hundred times on here - these guys need you to be strong and stable. Without that, there's no WAY they can control themselves and you. As much as it hurts, ride it out, once you step back completely it might not take that long for him to at least bottom out. In this state from what I'm reading from you, he's not there, and you may be causing him to only do it more.

Maybe others will back me up.

AB

 

[amethist]

Armywife, hard as this sound, you are the closest to him, so you are the first in his firing line.

As Ab said above let him bottom out, let him hit rock bottom, we know you dont want him to, but it may be the only way for him to go just now. He is not there, he is somewhere else, and there is nothing you can do to bring him back while he is in this state.

He cannot find his way out of the whole he is in, and blaming every one and everything close to him, for what is going on in his mind right now.

My husbands PTSD is not from combat, but he did the drinking 24/7 thing. It was only when he saw my face at 5.30 one morning, that he knew he had hit the bottom. It was not until that morning, that he excepted he had a problem, and grabbed at the help he was then offered. we did not know it was PTSD at that point, but we found out a few months after he did his 10 day detox.

For now look after you, your son and your un born baby. You cannot do anything for your husband until he realizes himself that he needs it and then asks for it.

Stay with your mum for now, you are all safe there. Taking care of you can be your only priority just now.

Amethist

 

[wife of]

When my hubs had his first big breakdown I felt completely as though it would be a betrayal to bring him to the attention of the people who could "take the situation out of my hands" and at that point I was so immersed in trying to iron things out for him that I nearly missed the point at which I had to step back and let someone else deal with it.

Maybe his saying he was going to speak to his commanding officer was a subconcious plea for someone else to bring this into the light??

If he hasn't already sought the appropriate help then this maybe the time to take it over his head and ask for the help your self.

Remember this is a fully trained killer with possible access to arms who is acting completely out of character and is unpredictable.

You can't fix him,he can't fix himself,especialy if he is ignoring the problem.

He needs psych services and if the only way to get him into them is to report him to someone who can order him into them,then thats what needs to be done.

Doesn't sound like you have anything to lose by it.

Sue.x

 

[Rob_Dog19]

I mostly agree wtih AB, but i have to wonder to what extent he is emotionally abusive? It's true, it's always best to try to work things out. PTSD may explain misbehavior but it most certainly does not excuse it. If the stress he's putting on you is consistently (and negatively) affecting your own mental health, then I think you did the right thing. It seems to me that you care for him, which is great...but you can't always sacrifice your life and emotional stability, you have to be able to take care of yourself too

 

[armywife05]

Thanks ladies. I ended up not contacting him yesterday at all and today he called me, but i did not answer. I will email him later to see what he wants but i cant talk to him right now. I feel like an emotional punching bag to him. Its sad because within the last few weeks i feel like my whole world has spiraled out of control. Normally if he'd tell me he wanted a divorce, fine. But he has been freaking out the last few weeks so i do think ptsd has some to play in this. Before i left he told me that he needed to just be a lone and if i left he'd get help, so thats what i did. Left so he'd get help. I really think no contact right now is probably the best thing, but i of course do not want him to feel like he can not talk to our son or like im trying to keep him from our son at all. But then again i am not ready to talk to him yet. Have any suggestions on how to keep no contact but have him still involved with our son? I think email will be the best bet. I check my email often and he has his email that goes straight to his phone.

 

[amethist]

I would be careful for a short while about contact with your young son, as he is only 2 years old.

I am not saying he cannot have any contact, but until he calms enough to be trusted with a 2 year old, then just er on the cautious side for a while.

 

[armywife05]

He came up to our home state (hes stationed in North Carolina and we live in Maryland) he was up here for a wedding and he took our son twice but only for 2 hours at a time. Then every time he brought him back to me he bashed me and told me our son didnt wanna go with me. Then threatened to file for temporary custody of our son if i tried to keep our son from him (which i wasnt, all i did was bump back his time to pick him up by an hour). He went back to NC the other day and he came back up again, he said they gave him more leave so he can talk to a lawyer up here, but said he was just using that as an excuse to come back up to party with his friends. He may be calling because he wants to take our son, but we agreed he wouldnt take him again, we just got home and he has taken him everyday and this is our 2nd day of being home and trying to settle. He will be back up in a few weeks anyways to meet our new baby and for thanksgiving leave. He agreed and we both agreed no contact is the best option. I told him he could email me if he wanted to talk to our son. Id have him call him. So im not really sure why he'd be calling but i know i dont want him taking our son again. I am trying to get everyone situated and use to living at my moms house.

 

[Srain]

but i have to wonder to what extent he is emotionally abusive? It's true, it's always best to try to work things out. PTSD may explain misbehavior but it most certainly does not excuse it

This is my thought as well. You are having a baby and he's staying out all night as well as being abusive and being irresponsible for his actions is just UNACCEPTABLE.There's issues and then there's abuse.

I would say take care of you first and your children first.

I would say get the support you need and don't accept this as okay treatment.

If and when he decides to get help that might be different.

peace and healing,
Rain

 

[IvyMillie]

Sorry to hear all that you are going through and your pregnancy emotions I'm sure just make this whole thing a nightmare.

I think as some suggested if you can back off--and you are doing that--that's the best option for now. I think that you are doing that really well--trying to keep your distance.

The thing I see is that you have 2 kids together so you will in the long term have to eventually deal with each other. I think too, that as you said you don't know how much is PTSD and how much is how he really feels. You may just have to wait that one out. He may be stressed out with family life and now having another child may be making him even more stressed.

Sometimes in relationships people are too quick to throw in the towel. So give it some time. As someone suggested that he will need to come to his own that he needs help. Since you have a family together it's worth giving him the time he needs to figure out himself and what he wants. As someone else suggested try to be the best mom you can be for now, and you'll just have to try and be patient (which isn't easy).

 

[armywife05]

Thank you all for the advice, i appreciate it so much. Its been hard but ive backed off completely. I did not email him/text him or call him yesterday. I actually gave him my cell phone back since it was in his name. He called today to talk to our son, i did not answer, i called back hours later. They talked for about 2 seconds and then my son lost interest in talking (he is only 2!) and i told him to avoid contact with each other while things are so bad right now he can email me when he wants our son to call and ill have our son call and that way we dont have to deal with each other. He said ok. Im shocked he called to talk to him, normally he doesnt try to call and talk to him, he has barely even tried to take him or anything until recently. So this is a good step for him. I know him not being involved in the pregnancy and not doing much with the kids (for a while he couldnt stand the kids, they made him angry and anxious) so its good that he is coming around for our son.

I know eventually we will need to talk specially if or when we proceed with the divorce we will need to talk, but as for right now i know he needs time to get himself together and i need time to heal after all the verbal and emotional abuse. i have felt like an emotional punching bag the past 9 months. So i need to heal too.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

army -

Life is fluid. Before you go to bed you plan on wearing a green t-shirt, but when you wake up you feel more like a red blouse - basically, don't plan out or set anything in stone yet.

He may be stressed out with family life and now having another child may be making him even more stressed

Ivy brings up a very good point there. Let him continue his decent, sounds like he's already doing it by what you've written about limiting contact. Given enough downtime in his mind, more rational thinking might begin occurring.