Please Help Me Understand

[NaeNae75]

Honestly, I think you getting to say how his no hurt you is good for everyone involved, you because you got to voice your needs, and him because he got to see that some no's are healthy no's and some things are worth saying yes to because he cares about the people around him. I don't know him so I can't really comment further, but I really do hope it works out.

Thank you for your perspective! I think this is very well said! I do feel as though we both managed to be honored by doing it this way.
I agree with you that it was good for me to let him know his decisions have consequences to more than just him. Ultimately, he's a good man and he is experiencing a difficult time.

 

[NaeNae75]

......and he just went to the pharmacy and bought my scripts and delivered them to me. He stayed only a second because he has a horrible cold. So yet another reason this was the the best decision! How sweet of him though, right? Two little bottles of drops was $100 USD because they messed up my insurance. I have to send the receipt in.

So he was still here for me as he could be. I feel warm and fuzzy today.

 

[Mytime]

Sending you big hugs my friend. I’m sorry you had to experience hurt and disappointment. I think in the end you came out on a positive. I’m glad the surgery went well and you did have someone with you. Because you do deserve the support.

 

[NaeNae75]

Sending you big hugs my friend. I’m sorry you had to experience hurt and disappointment. I think in the end you came out on a positive. I’m glad the surgery went well and you did have someone with you. Because you do deserve the support.

Hi @Mytime! I was thinking about you today! How are you my friend? Thank you for your support!

Of course, I'm hopeful he comes back, but this is so different with being in therapy. It's getting so that I don't know what to do anymore. I know you understand.

 

[Mytime]

I do understand. When I think about it now. I guess I just had to let go. As much as it hurt and it hurt like a b**ch. I don’t have control over his feelings or choices, only my own. If I didn’t save myself, he wouldn’t have had me to come back too. I realize how lucky I am . That when the dark clouds settled, he could see me again. He told me he never stopped loving me. He just couldn’t feel it at the time. Sometimes love is about letting go.
I know I sound like an after school special, lol. For me, the harder I tried to hold on. The harder he fought to get away. But that’s just my experience. Sending hugs my friend :hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

I do understand. When I think about it now. I guess I just had to let go. As much as it hurt and it hurt like a b**ch. I don’t have control over his feelings or choices, only my own. If I didn’t save myself, he wouldn’t have had me to come back too. I realize how lucky I am . That when the dark clouds settled, he could see me again. He told me he never stopped loving me. He just couldn’t feel it at the time. Sometimes love is about letting go.
I know I sound like an after school special, lol. For me, the harder I tried to hold on. The harder he fought to get away. But that’s just my experience. Sending hugs my friend :hug:

That's really beautiful. I'm really trying to do that right now myself. I am focusing on me, and even though we talk, I haven't been "pushing" for anything. If he doesn't want to talk, we don't. If he wants to be alone, he is.

I think I'm going to have to maybe lean back even a little further. I've had a lot of "offers" from other men lately, and all of my friends keep pushing me to date other people, but that's really not for me. I don't have any interest in anyone but me right now. I think I'm in a place that another guy would be a band aid. I know I'm "allowed" to, but it doesn't feel right to me at all, especially since I'm dedicated to seeing where things can go in the future with K.

I don't mind talking to my guy friends from work, but they all know I won't date people I work with. That's a long standing rule for me. A lot of them are happily married and I like their wives too. So in that case, I don't mind. But I really think I need to figure out what I need/want for a change. I need to focus on filling my own voids before I drag someone else into this mess. Did you date while you guys were separated? If you did, did it feel weird? I think after 9 years it would feel weird to go out on a date with someone else.

I think it's apparent on here that I'm not as stable, perhaps, as I once thought. LOL But I feel like new doors are opening to a whole new tool shed for me. I'm excited about some opportunities I have for my growth right now. I'm also excited to see what I can accomplish with some extra "free time"!

 

[Mytime]

No I did not date and didn’t plan to date, for the first year. We were still living in the same house. Even though he wasn’t home much. I also had my children to think about and I wanted to focus on them and myself. Up until PTSD came into our life, we had a great and strong relationship. We were best friends and maybe that’s what also helped in the end. At the time we were married 18 years and together for 25 years.

 

[grimalkin]

I think I'm going to have to maybe lean back even a little further. I've had a lot of "offers" from other men lately, and all of my friends keep pushing me to date other people, but that's really not for me. I don't have any interest in anyone but me right now.

I'm kind of at this point, too. My therapist (I love this woman) is on a "You need to get laid" path at the moment lol. My last session ended with "Don't even bother with Match. Fetlife. Look it up. Sexytimes, you need them!" rofl

I'm glad you had support for your surgery. I'm sorry it wasn't from your sufferer. After reading about your experience here, I am beginning to realize, his inability to deal with, and support me, if I'm sick is because of his utter fear of losing me. So, rather than face that possibility, make it all about me being too needy, push away push away push away.

 

[NaeNae75]

No I did not date and didn’t plan to date, for the first year. We were still living in the same house. Even though he wasn’t home much. I also had my children to think about and I wanted to focus on them and myself. Up until PTSD came into our life, we had a great and strong relationship. We were best friends and maybe that’s what also helped in the end. At the time we were married 18 years and together for 25 years.

Thank you for sharing that. It may sound crazy, but I'm glad I'm not alone in not wanting to. Everyone makes me feel like I'm crazy for not wanting to date and like there's something wrong with me for it. We've been together just over 8.5, so no where near as long as you, but certainly long enough for me to have true and valid feelings. PTSD has been part of our lives the entire time, but it was mine. His wasn't diagnosed until later. Even with all of the "separation", we still consider each other best friends, and I'm pretty darn positive he's not looking at seeing anyone either.

He's in even less of a good place to date than I am! LOL. I don't know why people think I need to be with someone else to be "happy". I've lived on my own in my house since my ex-husband left 18 years ago! I don't really need a "husband" to feel whole. I wish I could be as steadfast when it came to other people's opinions. I have to get better at telling them to just leave me be. I have friends, I go out and do things, I still take trips....so it's not like I'm sitting and crying into my pillow for crying out loud.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have people tell you you're beautiful and smart, etc. But he does still do that too, even when we're "separated". I'm a pretty high functioning person with having my business, and I can be fun to be around (some times, lol) so people enjoy my company. I honestly get asked out fairly regularly, but I'm not interested in anyone but him....even now. He holds a very special place in my heart.

You have NO idea how much telling me that has helped me be able to be a bit stronger towards everyone else. Funny thing is, the people that live with "us" i.e. my kids, don't push me to see anyone else either. They see how much we love each other and the whole dynamic of it. Thank you, my friend....once again your honesty is really supporting the heck out of me! I'm so lucky to have this site. I honestly don't know what I would do without it!

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm kind of at this point, too. My therapist (I love this woman) is on a "You need to get laid" path at the moment lol. My last session ended with "Don't even bother with Match. Fetlife. Look it up. Sexytimes, you need them!" rofl

I'm glad you had support for your surgery. I'm sorry it wasn't from your sufferer. After reading about your experience here, I am beginning to realize, his inability to deal with, and support me, if I'm sick is because of his utter fear of losing me. So, rather than face that possibility, make it all about me being too needy, push away push away push away.

It's crazy sometimes to think about, isn't it? I mean, don't get me wrong...it would be nice! But I don't really want anyone else. So in the consideration of full disclosure and possibility of TMI, I did buy a set of Yoni Eggs with the Amazon certificate he gave me for Christmas. So, whether he meant to or not, he's helping me with it, LOL!!! But I'm into Reiki and some spiritual things, and these eggs are not only good for practicing your Kegel's to strengthen "there", but because they're made out of "crystals", if you use them "spiritually" they are supposed to help you heal as well. The one's I got have 3 sizes, each made of a different stone.

The first size is made from obsidian. Obsidian is supposed to be good for getting rid of negative energy and traumatic things. I sort of like the thought of that, because part of my own PTSD is from CSA as well as an attack when I was in high school and a very abusive boyfriend right before K. I'm embracing using it to help me heal that in the meantime. The other two, one is rose quartz and the other is made of jade. They both also have "healing" properties vibrationally.

I don't expect anyone else to buy into it, so to speak...but I'm willing to try anything. I do know that they definitely help physical issues for sure, though. If nothing else, believing in the spiritual properties can help lead to positive thinking, which IS powerful. It's another step towards my self healing.

I get a lot of them telling me to put it out there too, but I just honestly don't feel safe doing that. The truth is, I realize I don't trust men. I trust him....but I'm not there with any of the rest of them. I'm not one for casual sex (any more - I had a mini "phase" years ago) and I'm not ready to tell him I did something I would be upset (possibly) if he did to me. It's funny because what comes to mind is a part of "Bones" when Sweets suggested to Angela to be celibate in order to gain perspective and self growth. So I try to keep that in mind during this.

Regarding the surgery, I think it was good that I asked my sister. It really did all work out for the best. I'm really glad sharing my story helped you see some stuff for you as well. I've learned SO MUCH from so many of you here...I'm glad when my story can help too. I try to be as open and honest as possible. I seriously love this place. I definitely consider you all friends....good ones. The kind that really truly understand.

 

[EveHarrington]

Everyone makes me feel like I'm crazy for not wanting to date and like there's something wrong with me for it.

Actually, it’s these people dispensing “advice” who are really deficient, not you.

They are pushing the notion that there is something wrong with being single (not saying that’s what you are), and that you aren’t “whole” unless you are 1/2 of a couple.

Messed up, huh?

Don’t listen to the bad advice these people are shoving down your throat. (I bet at least half of them are in miserable relationships anyway, and stay coupled because of their beliefs.)

 

[NaeNae75]

Actually, it’s these people dispensing “advice” who are really deficient, not you.

They are pushing the notion that there is something wrong with being single (not saying that’s what you are), and that you aren’t “whole” unless you are 1/2 of a couple.

Messed up, huh?

Don’t listen to the bad advice these people are shoving down your throat. (I bet at least half of them are in miserable relationships anyway, and stay coupled because of their beliefs.)

Thanks for this, @EveHarrington! I think you have a very valid point. Sometimes I'm too in the middle of my story to see that outside perspective. It actually is very messed up! I agree with you fervently!

I was hesitant to bring it up, even...but I'm really glad I did. The reality is you guys are "my people". The things that said here, is what actually resonates with me. People here understand in ways the people in the "outside world" just, well, can't.