Please Remind Me I Will Get Through This

[Justmehere]

My therapist suddenly terminated me. I don't understand why. She offers goodbye sessions and I was preparing them and searching for someone new. She told me that we could meet with new therapist together. I did an intake with a new counselor. That counselor called to tell my therapist she couldn't take me but she thought it would be best to not text me right now, but to call and wait until our scheduled times to talk. My now old therapist was texting me and I was shaking and crying all through the intake.

Then my therapist cancelled our goodbye sessions saying that because I engaged the services of a new provider, she was closing out and canceling remaining sessions.

The goodbye sessions were pong to be to read my letter to her and to release butterflies, something we were going to do with a different purpose before she quit and something she agreed to do when she terminated me. We were going to do it on Monday.

Now I will have dead butterflies.

I can not breathe. This is all so deeply unlike her. I don't care why she is doing what she is doing or how right or wrong this is. The intake therapist who won't take me already said this stuff shouldn't happen and therapists shouldn't cancel goodbye sessions via text and so on.

I need advice or any thoughts in a hurry how to handle the severe full body pain I am feeling and severe panic that I'm told is the sudden loss of the first and deepest safe attachment I've ever had.

I can't stop crying. Attempts to find new counseling are falling through and the local hospital wouldn't admit me even though a friend of mine begged them to do so and I was having flashbacks and self injuring in the ER. It was a mess. I am a mess.

Help.

 

[Pencil]

I'm so sorry. When I say I know exactly what you're going through, and that I've been there, I don't say it lightly. Do you have any medication that could help? Only sedatives got me through the first few days. Sometimes looking for help from outside makes things much more difficult. When help is not forthcoming it so easily leads to despair. You have a friend in your corner - could he/she stay with you for a while?

 

[jaccat]

Hold your own ceremony to release those feelings. Perhaps read your letter out loud and release those butterflies somewhere meaningful?

My first T vanished on me without trace. To this day I don't know what happened. I don't even know if she's dead or alive. I get how hurtful that is. I spent the longest time trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. But whatever it was, it was about her, not me.

Same goes for your ex-T. Sounds like she's handling this completely wrong, but that's not your fault. Focus your energy on where you can get some benefit, such as in the search for a new T.

 

[Intrepid]

I left one therapist last week, and it was the goodbye session. I am going to an intake tomorrow. It's worked out well.

I wonder if your old therapist has some idea of etiquette about what happens when you get a new therapist. If so that's messed up. I don't like it when rules trump treating people like people.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out better for you.

 

[sun seeker]

I so feel for you and can imagine what you are going through. Who knows why she did that, but it is not your fault.

Nothing will make it easy, but what I would advise for right now is don't be alone. Can your friend stay with you?

I wish I knew what to say to make it better. Thinking of you with much empathy.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm just chiming in to agree with many that your old therapist is doing some unethical things, and that you would benefit from taking as much support from your friend as they can give.

You're grieving. And this most recent cancellation resembles a kind of sudden loss. It is perfectly natural to have this hit hard.

Try and remind yourself - you didn't cause this. Your pain is normal. And you can definitely move through it.

Your friend could help you with: since you have not yet engaged with a new counselor, your old therapist is still on the hook for providing referrals.

Also - the one who isn't taking you sounds empathetic to your situation. Ask that person for referrals.

And keep posting. You can do this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've noticed that trauma therapists don't know how to let go properly. I've been let go a few times now (always after an episode), and I'd say that its not exactly uncommon for a therapist to just want to cut you loose ASAP. You know that top therapists/psychologists list for PTSD? The one that lists the people who have made the most contribution to the healing world of PTSD? Ya, I went to one of the offices of the people on the list....My therapist worked for this "top" therapist. This "top therapist" advised my therapist on how to get rid of me. Yup, one of the top people in the world of PTSD and she told my therapist how to DUMP me! (I'm not being paranoid or guessing here, my dad was in communication with BOTH of them and he is disgusted that someone who is the head of PIW would let go of a patient in such a manner!) No, I don't claim to be innocent in all of this as it was right after an episode, but at the same time, you don't give someone the name of a random therapist who doesn't treat trauma and then shove them out the door, essentially wiping your hands of them. (The new therapist I was referred to was a bit shocked to hear from me when I called him as he wasn't quite sure what to make of it all.) I think that therapists believe that they have no responsibility to you once you've "found" someone else. In your case, it didn't matter that the new therapist couldn't see you. In my case, merely giving me the name of someone random was as far as her obligation went for ensuring my continuation of care. *rolls eyes* So what am I saying in all of this? Some therapists are pure sh!t when it comes to the cessation of therapy. I'm not saying that we as clients had no hand in the situation, but at the same time, therapists should try and rise above it for the betterment of their client. (Hullo, one more session? Or at the least, a few more phone calls? Not hard.) I honestly do think its one of those things they need to suck up and get through because its in the damn job description. If you can't handle extremes of behavior, go work in a cushy job and don't pretend that you can help those of us who have been traumatized. Again, not excusing our behavior when it gets bad, but the truth is that it does indeed happen and a therapist should know better than to dump people when they're at their worst.

 

[Wastinglight]

I've noticed that trauma therapists don't know how to let go properly. I've been let go a few times now (always after an episode), and I'd say that its not exactly uncommon for a therapist to just want to cut you loose ASAP

I read this with great interest, because I had a therapist dump me without warning last year. When I asked why, he said "It wouldn't be ethical of me to continue with you." And wouldn't elaborate. I still have no idea what he meant by that. It made me feel confused and rejected.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not sure what might be helpful for you right now but I thought maybe to remind you to breathe, drink water, do your self soothing and be gentle to yourself. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm thinking of you and how difficult these therapists are. Don't take it personally. She obviously lacks skill and empathy. You're lucky to have been set loose. So for now, keep your friend close and self care like the previous posts recommend. You can still release the butterflies on a bright sunny day. I don't know how to help you find a new trauma therapist. I suggested to a friend across the country to google trauma therapist and San Francisco and even though she got a shitload of names, she found one she really likes. Namaste.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you so much everyone. I'm not sure I have ever felt so bad as an adult. The fear and grief are tremendous... Your support and thoughts really mean a lot and have helped me slow down and think. I'm exhausted and struggling for words. Even my service dog is getting sick from picking up on all my distress. It breaks my heart. The vet told me today that she was more worried about me than my dog. She said my dog will be ok, just give her lots of extra love, even when I'm In a panic for 3 hours, and so so anxious. I can easily give her lots of extra love though, :)

My anxiety has been so bad that I've lost a lot of weight the past week, and I've almost totally stopped sleeping. My doc prescribed Valium. The anxiety gets so bad at night, and all normal sleep meds have not even made a dent. This is so unusual for me. I agreed to either take the Valium or go to the ER tonight - I think the Valium is the easier route. Let my body rest and then work through this more tomorrow, Valium free.

Trauma therapists do seem to end badly...

In the middle of this, I have struggled with all the bad ways I cope with ptsd - it's all back like gangbusters. Especially the compulsive fixing and my sudden drive to contact past abusers... Ugh.

I feel so hopeless but you all help me hang in.

I'm so glad for all of you. Thank you.

 

[ghotiff]

I hope the Valium allows you to get a good nights sleep so you can feel better upon awaking.