Pornography, Libido, Sexuality And...shame?

[Senecia]

This is going to be a long one....sorry. Things aren't so good right now, and it's interesting how it's flipped around. I just need to tell someone because I feel so isolated. My psychiatrist believes I became immune to my last medication Prozac, so I was switched to Wellbutrin. I've not been on it for long enough for it to reach full effect, and I'm feeling that. My highs are higher (I'm actually somewhat happy), but oh man, my lows are low. She has faith it'll get better, and she's also going to have me start a mood stabilizer as it's very probable I have bipolar genes hanging out in there somewhere..making it "treatment-resistant depression." I didn't exactly leave the office feeling optimistic. :arghh;

I haven't felt this depressed and anxious since before I started my therapy. I'll sit and cry even thinking about leaving the house to go to my T, which is just up the street. You know how it goes. Losing the will to do anything. Coupled with my shame, guilt and anxiety from PTSD, doing benign things like vacuuming send me into hysterics. I don't know if it's from the fall being triggering, or what. It has to be, right? This is the time where my abusive ex (and parents) started becoming very nasty to me. Fights all the time, saying degrading things. Even "get the hell out of my life" from my mother. The smells, all the colors, they really are great - it just takes me back. It reminds me of how I failed all of my classes and left with suicidal thoughts.

Right now, I haven't an ounce of libido in me, which is hard in my relationship. More so recently. In the beginning, we were pretty sexually active. Now not so much, and it's harder for him than it is for me it seems. He's not being a jerk about it, but I still feel the shame which was ingrained in me from before. I feel inclined, obligated, to fulfill my "role."

When we started dating and were all honeymoon-ey, I was entrenched in my guilt and my "obligations" from past abuse. I felt like I had to have sex because...well, I I thought I had to be nice, agreeable, etc. So it happened often, but I remember enjoying it. But now it's different. I don't feel like I want to, but I'm just as attracted to him as before, maybe more. I just don't feel the obligation as much. I've began to question if it's not "abnormal" libido. What if my sexuality just differs? What if who I really am is just not that...sexual of a person? I want to think that's a possibility, but I'm losing a sense of self. I can't even handle the thought of him watching pornography because it makes me feel worse. It reminds me of before. Even reading the word upsets me and I feel angry. I'm losing my mind.:cry:

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Senecia,
Sorry that you are having such a difficult time.

Check the label on your meds, nearly all of them can damage your sex life, and the effects can sometimes be permanent.

Also, don't exclude the meds from your thoughts when you are wondering what could be causing low mood and anxiety.

Make sure you don't go cold turkey on them, but don't exclude them from suspicion.

I have an ex who spent years trying to get of SSRIs. She eventually managed, and a lot of what she was taking the stuff for,disappeared. She'd been taking the stuff for the problems it was causing.

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Added.
Try searching using the title of this thread and the name "Richard Bergner"

 

[Senecia]

Hey @Anarchy, thanks for replying. I was aware that fluoxetine could really wipe out my libido, but I didn't think it would matter much since my depression was doing that in the first place. To make it more complicated, I was really "triggered" about a week ago from a poem I stumbled across about sexual abuse. I then checked my facebook messages for the first time in a while and realized I had several messages from really creepy people, past abusers/bullies, etc. I withdrew from everything and was wondering if that was what sent me into this, or if it was really the meds...I have no idea. Maybe just bad timing for it all. How long did it take for your ex to recover from the SSRIs?

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Senecia,
Oh hell! Sorry that you have so many possible causes!

My ex had several attempts to get off, before she managed. It didn't help that she kept going cold turkey, and only telling me when she was in a suicidal crisis...

Once she was off, I think her mood gradually improved over a few months. She no longer gets the long term lows, and doesn't get nearly as suicidal. Infact I think suicidality is pretty much gone. (There are some trials coming to light showing eleven fold increase in suicidality from SSRIs compared to placebo, and these were trials which had screened out suicidal individuals from taking part! She now believe s that a lot of her problems were caused by her meds)

She has also learned some CBT and mindfulness skills, rather than just being given drugs.

I think her libido did improve, but some of the physical function hadn't returned by the time we split up. She had lost the ability to have multiple orgasms, and to lubricate.

I know that sounds pessimistic, please don't assume that you will experience the same. It affects different people in different ways.

Are you receiving any psycological therapies? And learning distress tolerance skills?