General Posting As A Carer And Sufferer - Healing My Son

[ryair]

:Hug_emoticon:BIG HUGS BEC!!!

 

[becvan]

Thanks Jods, it does help. Makes me feel less like a wierdo. Well I got my guitar today and played for over an hour.. will probably play more yet today. (yes I'm overdosing on it.. been lonely without something to pluck at!) I find when attempting to play that my mind gets quiet. It's a rare thing.

Well we have the tour tomorrow. I'm hoping I won't get too freaked out. I got an excellent handout that answered all but two of my questions. So at least I won't have this huge list to go through.

Matt is really looking forward to it. Believe it or not. He's been very honest with me and has admitted he just needs a break from us triggering each other. I can't say I blame him in the least.

It's kind of, reassuring, that he wants to go. It's eased my mind a lot.

So far my plan for his duration, is to practice on my guitar (my goal is to learn one song while he's away so I can play it for him when he gets home), to crochet, and to visit with Ryan and kids when I'm not visiting with Matt. Not sure what else I can do.. but crocheting is mindless, guitar is relaxing/quieting, and Ryan and kids is human contact without major stress. So.. that's my plan to this point.

Matt had therapy this afternoon. I went in and signed the admission referral papers and then Matt had the rest to himself. He did really good and really likes his therapist. I'm thinking this just might work.

Still have a lot of fears, anxiety and anger just bubbling under the surface, but I'm a thousand times better than the last two days.

Thank you, all of you, for such much needed support. What would I ever do without you guys?

hugs,
bec

 

[Jim]

Sounds good all round Bec. Matt is a mature young man, being so honest with you. You must be proud. Hope the tour went well. Take good care.

Jim.

 

[pandora]

I am so HAPPY to hear that this is all positive!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!! I'll be thinking about you! Take Care!

 

[becvan]

Had the tour. It's a very nice place. It was reassuring. Matt goes on Monday. God I'm going to miss him.

bec

 

[vera]

Had the tour. It's a very nice place. It was reassuring.
bec

it's very good to hear that. =)

 

[pandora]

I am so glad to hear it is a nice place! I will be thinking of you monday. Please let us know. Remember we are here for you. I think you are very brave and have made the right decision. Everything is going to work out...you are getting the correct help...congrats.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Bec,

I agree it will be very hard on you and probably Matt as well, but keep looking to the future and what this hospital stay may just provide the both of you.....Sometimes good things hurt too......

Hugs,

Wen

 

[Kathy]

Monday will be difficult for you Bec, no doubts there. It is always hard to see a loved one in hospital, especially one's child. The house will seem quiet. I am delighted however that you have an action plan of things to do whilst Matt is gone, that is more than I have done in similar situations! :rolleyes: Keeping busy will help. Excellent too that you have Ryan and his children for support, and that you are able to visit Matt. I was uncertain about that part. As I remarked in your diary, even positive changes are stressful, PTSD notwithstanding. Jim and I will be praying for you and Matt, especially on Monday. Being an atheist Evie refuses to pray but she will light a candle, she is happy to do that for you. Take good care, keep that positive attitude about things and I am confident it will all work out well.

Oh, and if Monday is very difficult and you feel down hearted, do please come here and post. Do not feel that because this is a positive change for Matt that you are not allowed to feel unhappy, afraid, or "vent" about it. Positive change is difficult too and you are most welcome to post whatever you feel, so please do so, as much as you like. Take good care.

 

[becvan]

Thank you.

I've heard nothing but good about this program, and it is very positive.

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I'm just exhausted. On one hand, I feel relieved that someone objective is taking the lead and will be making arrangements, and handling most of this. (other than the my permission required aspect) On the other, I feel guilty for it. I feel lonely (shit he's still here and I'm already grieving him going) and angry, and like I've failed. Yet I've made so many positive steps for him that I'm proud of.

God it's just a big mess. I'm sure I will be posting quite a bit for the duration.

Thank you, for thinking of me.. and give Evie a hug for me. Tell her I miss her and will email when I'm not so overwhelmed.

bec

 

[jods]

I went through those different emotions with hubby too. I was the one who approached his doc with his permission about admitting him.

At the end of the day I kept on telling myself that while he is in there he will get the chance to have the right type of care from people that know what to do instead of me bumbling around & stuffing up his progress.

And I'll admit I was really looking forward to the break.

 

[becvan]

I think I need to try and remember that Jods. It's better care than I can give right now. Actually it's probably the best time for this.. as my drug withdrawals are making me especially nutty now.

I've cried a lot the past few days. Partly because of Matt. We both have separation anxiety (lovely gift of domestic violence.. that one..) and I feel almost as if I'm abandoning him and being abandoned at the same time. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone or not.

Really Matt is the only family I have. Although Connie is great, she's four hours away and has my Dad attached to her hip. I so fear losing Matt. He's the only good family I have.

I'm thinking this is highly unhealthy of me.

I'm hoping that going in there.. will not only help him, but help me with how we live. We still live very much as if we are being abused. We are both scared of conflict, tip toe around, try not to voice opinions. Maybe this separation will help? Maybe the docs can help us change this?

Don't know.. trying to mentally focus on the positives, as insane as some of them sound, since my emotions are so terribly negative, painful and overwhelming.

I'm so dreading packing his suitcase tomorrow.. really freaking dreading it. It's seems so final.


bec