I am having a horrible time right now.
I hate my body, I hate my weight, my skin and hair feels disgusting, I can't sleep because of the nightmares and I'm getting to the point where I'm breaking down.
Had a massive dust up with the other half in the car last night on the way home from dinner with his stepmother, brother, partner and her 4 children. Told him that I didn't think I would be able to have a natural birth, my body being out of control, in pain is more than I can handle, and he was more interested in putting forth his opinion that natural birth was a better way to go, and why couldn't I just go an epidural?
Completely ignoring the fact that I kept saying that I can't keep still when I am in pain, I can't have strangers near me, and it wouldn't matter if I just had an epidural because my body would still be out of my control, regardless of whether or not there is pain.
Then he tried to say that he had heard that labor wasn't that painful, and for some women it wasn't so bad, I couldn't believe my ears and asked him how it couldn't be painful, my cervix was being pulled apart!
I told him that for each woman it was different, but for me - if he hit my cervix during sex early in the relationship (Later found out I had a cyst on my ovary), it would leave me doubled up with cramps, so if just hitting it caused agonizing pain that took my breath away, having it pulled apart would be agonizing at best.
The argument was last night, and in the end I told him: 'f*ck it, it's my body, you aren't listening, if I'm telling you that natural birth is something I wanted but can't go through with, and you turn around and then say that natural birth would be fantastic, you obviously aren't supporting or helping me. I'm going to do what's best for my mental and physical well being, and from now on you don't get an opinion, you'll be told how this is how I'm handling it.'
'I'm not asking for an opinion, I'm telling you that I'm not going to be able to handle it, and it's going to have a severe mental impact on me, so I'm going to do what's best for me.'
He then tried to tell me that there was complications with birth after have a C section, but I told him that they are rare, and any small complications I deal with later are more than worth having a trauma free birth.
Then he asked if it was worth having a large scar, but I'm covered in scars, what the f*ck is one more?
We have barely spoken since, and I've had about 5 hours broken sleep over 14 hours since last night.
After having an ex who used to take pleasure in hurting me severely during sex, and only opening up about this a week ago, it is becoming more and more apparent to me even if I DO have an epidural, the fact that my body will be acting out of my control is going to be a serious issue.
My ex was the kind of person who got off on hurting me, but the catch was that if you didn't respond positively, he would hurt you more and enjoy it, but if you responded the way he wanted then he would either reward you or himself, depending on his mood.
You couldn't win, and his favorite thing to do was to hurt you, and if he had reduced you to a screaming mess by the end of it, where you would beg or do anything just to get it to stop, he would be pleased and then positively reward you. The problem was that no matter what you did, it wouldn't matter because he liked it when you begged, and if you didn't, he would ramp up the level of pain until you had no choice but to respond the way he wanted.
Being in pain, having strangers near me when my body is undergoing stress is a horrible experience for me at the best of times, and if people are going to try to push me into doing what they think is best, rather than what is best for me in the long run, then they've got a f*cking HUGE fight on their hands.
I feel like no one is hearing me, no one cares, and people are only interested what they want to say, having their opinion heard and out there. I'm at the point of breaking again and f*ckwits just aren't listening, it's like last year all over again, where I try to express that I'm at a really, really low point, to the point of hurting myself, and people are more interested in putting out their ideas rather than seeing the potential mess in front of them.
I'm not at the point where I'm about to hurt myself, but I'm on the way there and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I can't hurt myself because my baby needs me, but at the same time I'm so close to breaking that I don't know what to do, I've just fired my T today, because after 4 sessions I feel like I've just been f*cked around, and I've got another 2 weeks before I can see another one that I want to try to stay with.
