Preparing For Motherhood

[Orglethorp]

my fiancé and I have decided that we're ready to become parents, so we're "not preventing" at the moment (no birth control + I'm tracking my cycles and taking a prenatal vitamin, but nothing too crazy). I'm excited, but this of course brings some worries I've had for years back to the surface.

I'm an incest survivor / abused in many ways by my father until his disappearance when I was 15. I was re-traumatized by an abusive & suicidal boyfriend at 18. I've known that I have mental health issues since I was about 12, but I wasn't diagnosed until about 2 months shy of my 19th birthday (PTSD & depression). In the years since I've been medicated for depression for about a year each time twice (age 18/19, year off, age 20/21). Probably should have been on medication again for about half a year at 22. For reference, I'm now 26. I've struggled with self harm on and off in various forms since early childhood, but the more serious, overt forms (mostly cutting) has coincided with those long depression periods. I've cut exactly once since age 22, in late December 2012. Ironically it's the most obvious scar.

There's a significant history of mood disorders in my mother's family, including my mother herself and my younger sister, my father has a cluster B personality disorder and multiple addictions, and his brother's clan has mood disorders present as well. My aunt on my father's side is so far in denial about it all she could be covering up a disorder herself and not know it.

In 2012, I moved across the country. I started a new degree at a new university, built up a new social circle, met my fiancé, and have now become a part of a new family out here. Depression is still lingering, but it no longer gets any opportunities to take over. With that gone, though, I'm finding I have a lot more anxiety issues, I'm experiencing intrusive memories more often than I have since the first depression period, and I'm also discovering a lot of old pain coming up to the surface demanding to be dealt with. I'm only now beginning to truly grieve the loss of my maternal grandfather, 3 years after his death.

So, yeah, PTSD and it's minions are still big issues for me. I'm in counselling through the university right now, but it'll stop over the Christmas break, and I'm not sure if whoever I get in the next semester will see me as often as my current T does (weekly).

So, on to the worries I alluded to.

As my children grow up, they're going to have questions for me that will touch on my traumas and my mental health history. I don't ever want to lie to them, but I don't want to hurt them with innapropriate answers. I'm struggling to figure out what / how much to say depending on my children's ages. I'm fine with neglecting to include information, but I don't want to lie outright, because I don't want to contradict myself when they're older and ready for more honest answers.

My T and I are going to start talking about this, and I'll reply with new insights as they come so that this can be a resource in the future to others with similar worries, but I'd also like to get suggestions/ideas/experiences from others here, too.

Examples of things I'm worried about answering:

Why don't we have a grandpa on your side, Mom? What happened to him / where is he? Do you love/miss him? Why not? Do you want to find him?

What are those marks on your arms? (A younger child will accept that I got hurt and that's how it healed, but by age 12 or so they'll probably be finding out about SI one way or another and suspect my history)

Scenario: family vacation back to where I grew up to visit my family. Kids want to go to the big amusement park, which happens to be a trigger for me because one of my most violent rapes occurred there. I've tried going back and felt physically ill walking through certain parts of the property. Kids want to know why I'm not going with them / why they're only going with Daddy.

How will Peter and I handle a situation where our kids witness one of my worse anxiety episodes, where I'm freaking out and/or non-responsive? What if they accidentally trigger me? (I have one physical trigger that is sometimes fine, and other times even Peter triggers it, and I can't predict it.)

Because of my family history of mental health issues, I know my children will be at a higher risk themselves. When do I start introducing mental health concepts so that they're aware and accepting of it, and so that they won't be ashamed or afraid if they do have issues of their own? What's an age-appropriate progression for this?

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Orglethorp

Congrats on getting engaged :)

I don't think that anyone has yet identified a single genetic marker for "you have this marker you will get x disorder"

I actually seriously doubt that anyone ever will find one

The family issues are probably complex, and may lack any DNA componant. In the last third of pregnancy, thgere are lots of genes being switched on and off (see the research into those who were born immediately after the "Dutch Hunger winter and their offspring), there is then lots of regulation of emotions and the endocrine system which goes on as we grow up. Your family history may stem from events over 100 years ago - I can see similar patterns in all 4 of my grandparents lines, going back over 130 years, which probably have a strong bearing on me posting here. I don't think any of it is necessarily DNA - far from it.

I think you'll be a great mum!

if you have time, check out Robert Sapolsky's lectures on epigenetic inheritance. Must go, have to give a friend a lift, and I'm L8.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you spend much time babysitting or being around kids?

Babysitting is different than parenthood, but it's helped me figure out some of the ways to handle some these things.

For example, for some situations like this one, you don't have to or need to say much.
"Kids want to know why I'm not going with them /why they're only going with Daddy."
You can just tell them you don't enjoy that particular amusement park and you are going to get some errands done (even if on vacation.) Kids may push and pull, but they will do that all the time, about all kids of things. You will have lots of practice telling them no and not explaining all the reasons why "why can't I have more cookies! You are mean!" by the time they are ready for amusement parks.

Other situations are more complex, and it may help to read all you can about child development to better understand what is age appropriate ways to talk about all kinds of things.

As far as having PTSD symptoms around the kids, it's great you are thinking it through now. Many kids have parents with illnesses. What kids need to know is that they are safe, they are ok, it's not their fault, mommy has help, mommy loves them and is there for them. As the kids (and you) grow older, you can explain to them more that you have PTSD and what it means for you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My children became aware of my CSA when they were in High School. I was cuttin a lot and sleeping days on end. I think they felt sorry for me but now that they're in their 30s my daughter asked to talk to my therapist. Suffice it to say she got a lot of answers and we have a better relationship.
Looking back over their lives, I don't think they would be able to comprehend sexual assaults. I took them to therapy over the years. Children are pretty self absorbed. As long as there is a base of love and protection they will develop better coping styles than we had.
It's obvious you have given this a lot of thought and it sounds like you will protect and validate them. Just be careful not to make them caretakers. There is much mental illness in my fathers family tree and completed suicides. I take my depression very seriously. I want to be alive and continue to have great mother child attachment.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Orglethorp, this may sound silly, but won't you finish your degree first? Look, my view of marriage was always this: Nothing is sure, and everything can happen. That means, what if something happens to your future husband or your child(ren) (accident, severe illness)? And what if your future hubby couldn't work anymore? Then you would have to earn the money. My point is this : The higher your education, the less time you have to work to maintain a solid level of living, and so you could spend more time with your family to be, should a worst case occur... What do you think of this?

"Don't let life take away your dreams. But don't let your dreams prevent you from living a good life"

 

[Orglethorp]

this may sound silly, but won't you finish your degree first?

Thanks for your concern, I definitely understand where you're coming from. I know this will be my own mother's concern as well, when pregnancy announcements get made.

I don't know if you're just taking the mention of university from the first post or if you've read my profile, but just in case, the profile is out of date. I've switched to computer science, and much of my previous course work transferred. Even if I become pregnant right away, the amount of course work I'll have left by the time I'm too pregnant to enrol in another semester will be less than 10 courses. This is also my second round of undergraduate studies - I've been in university since 2006. My university provides daycare, and both Peter's parents are retired, so there will be no problem in terms of time for going back to finish 10 courses.

I also know from his parents who are retired early due to disability from injury (one in a vehicle accident, the other injured on the job in a similar field to Peter), that it is possible to support a family on disability pension in this province. His parents still support his youngest brother almost entirely, and both his younger brothers still live at home. Barring death (heaven forbid), I don't foresee any impossible financial situations if I'm still a year away from a degree if disaster strikes.

While I was in engineering, which is such a strictly structured block program that you can't miss a single semester without losing a year or more, the limitation on when I would be free to become pregnant was actually becoming a major stressor in my life. I worried that an early pregnancy would prevent me from ever getting certified as an engineer in time to be worth it (5 years experience is required on top of the degree for certification, and only 1 year can come from pre-grad experience). On the other hand, I worried that if I waited until graduation (age 29 on that program, assuming no repeated blocks), I'd have such a small window before risks in pregnancy due to age started to go up. My mother was told that a third pregnancy would be extremely dangerous when she was only 31, and my maternal grandmother took 12 years to conceive her second child.

 

[StarChild]

I don't know if you're just taking the mention of university from the first post or if you've read my profile, but just in case, the profile is out of date.

Well, I actually know every thread of yours, since you're here... I just changed my user name a few months ago, that's why you don't seem to recognise me right now... :)

 

[bell]

To me, you're putting the cart before the horse. Of course these questions are normal ones to ask, but would be more of worry if you had a toddler.

I'd focus on getting you as strong as you can and worry about things that can easily be taken care of with careful wording much, much later.

Lastly, people have kids up until their mid-40s. Yes, there are more risks, but you have plenty of time. Literally, in this case, there is no rush. I agree with the others, why not finish up your degree then give it a go? Or are you trying to make it so you don't have to work and raise a baby at the same time? With such a rush on it, it almost sounds like that's part of your plan. (And if it is, that's fine.)

You have every right to start trying to have a baby, but there is no established timeline. There is no hurry. There is no perfect script. If having a baby is your first priority other than school, get pregnant first and try to take things as they come (hard to do sometimes I know), instead of rushing into them. Not rushing into things will make the whole process more joyful for everyone.

If you're really worried about this timeline (which seems to come from worries about your mother's and grandmother's pregnancies with no basis on your own or regard to medical advances), go see a fertility specialist and talk to them. Don't speculate about it, become informed of your own reality, not the reality of other people.

 

[Orglethorp]

I definitely do want to have time at home without working while my children are babies/toddlers, yes. I don't see delaying my degree completion as a huge issue, because this sort of degree doesn't have a set time frame requirement, I already have job prospects for when I'm done, and it's something I'm going to keep up to date on no matter what I'm doing because it's also my hobby.

Other concerns about timing and risks aside, I'd also really like my children to meet the two great grandmothers they still have left. Peter's family is younger than mine, with his Nan only in her 60s, but my own lone-surviving grandmother turned 90 this year. This wonderful woman who has been my second Mom growing up has had the opportunity to meet her great grandchildren from all of her own grandchildren except for my sister and I, since we're the youngest grandchildren.

Plus, unrelated to any of that, I thought I was pregnant on my last cycle before stopping my birth control pills. Peter and I were both very disappointed when it turned out I wasn't. It made me realise that this really is something I want now, and it really is more important to me than finishing my degree at this time.

 

[Candleflames]

First off congrats on getting engaged. I remember the post in which you asked for advice about starting dating again a while ago. You sure have come a long way! Please feel proud of all the hard work you have done to get to this point.

It's been my experience that trying to explain things to kids is much harder before they exist than when they are right in front of you. It's the thinking about what to say and the planning ahead that is the hard part. The unknown person you imagine yourself talking to is the scary part. While they are definitely their own person they are also a part of you and your fiance. Keep in mind how you would have liked these things explained to yourself and your partner.

Some specific advice I can give is
- Talk to your fiance about what kind of family culture you want to have, including what specific events and daily rituals should look like. That will have a huge impact on how you talk to your kids.
- Ask your child questions about what they already know about topics to get a baseline. They may have overheard something.
- Talk at the dinner table and while driving. It helps keep the feel of conversations casual, as if this is just information they should have.
- Take a class or two on developmental psychology or child development. It has made a huge difference for me.
- Start talking to them right away and keep it simple. This is an ongoing conversation that you want to build on not a big reveal when they are older.

Answers I have used

Why don't we have a grandpa on your side, Mom?

He's not a safe person to be around and we want to keep you safe and healthy.

How will Peter and I handle a situation where our kids witness one of my worse anxiety episodes, where I'm freaking out and/or non-responsive?

In the moment it will be on Peter so definitely talk about how he can help you the best. Afterwords explain "Sometimes mommy gets overwhelmed and shuts down/hyperventilates/freaks out. It can be scary to watch but it has nothing to do with anything you did. How did you feel about what happened?"

When do I start introducing mental health concepts so that they're aware and accepting of it, and so that they won't be ashamed or afraid if they do have issues of their own?

Right away and then use teachable moments to build on the conversation. I talked to my kids about these thing when they were still in utero as practice so when I needed to talk to them as they got older it wouldn't feel foreign to me. As parents we set the tone of the conversations. If we are uncomfortable the kids will be too.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I must be older than everybody! Day care didn't exist when I had my babies. I had an advanced degree and it is true that you get more free time to be with family when you make a good wage. We had a very unique life when my children were young. As I said, there were no such thing as day cares, so I was a stay at home mom till they were in middle school. We bought a lot of land in a rural area and planned to build an earth sheltered home that we spent two years reading and designing. Then the savings and loan disaster hit America and mortgage rates rose to 18%. With only one income we had to put our plans on hold. We lived in what would later be my ex's wood shop. We had no running water for five years. I lugged buckets of water from the well several times a day. We were young and smart and I wouldn't change a thing about the magical life my children had. They are so well adjusted, well educated and both of them had jobs as soon as they were done with college. Many people looked down on us for our unconventional lifestyle. It was rich and organic and safe and wonderful. I do not envy anyone that can't stay home with their young children. I never had a babysitter either but that's because of my abuse history.
I guess what I'm trying to convey is that families evolve in many ways. MIT and Harvard have many graduate students with young children. There is no "correct" life plan. There is love, commitment, patience and acceptance that some days are hold the baby days.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are so smart to be thinking of these things already and I wish you the best in getting pregnant. I was a stay at home mom and loved it.

Sadly I gave out too much information to my children but they coped and survived and became their own unique people with independent minds.

I think you have all bases covered with your plans and I understand why you are trying to get pregnant.

Knowing you, you will make a fantastic parent and I sure hope your relatives that are older will be able to share your joy in being a parent.

I wish you the very best.