Privacy Fence - Good Idea?

[nycowboy]

@Loner: I totally agree that I'm spending far too much energy on them, but I just don't know how to hit the "off" button. I've tried this and that, and just can't shake the vicious cycle.

@albatross: I am trying to control my environment because that is what I have done for 43 years. I have very strong survivor mechanisms in me. I have been in therapy and it has been very good, but I'm still coming out of infancy with it. I'm not sure HOW to initiate personal strategies to create safety.

I need practical suggestions of things to do so that I can feel safe in the place where I live.

And how do I let them have less of an effect on me??? I need step-by-step help.

 

[The Albatross]

I grappled with agoraphobic tendencies after being homebound for a year and a half. The way I did it was short, well defined exposures. But I also have a camp nearby where I can relax. In town, when I can't get out there, I scoped out some parks and beach locations that I feel relatively comfortable/safe in. I'm doing beach exposures right now.

I found though in between commitments, I can bring a sack lunch, or a book, or go for a walk in some in town parks and manage my reactivity better now. It was a long slog. I'll try to think about it some today and see if I can't put it together a bit better for you and I know others here have dealt with similar issues too. They may come forward and be able to assist.

 

[Loner]

OK its not easy at all the hit that off button. The first step is just reminding yourself every time you notice that you're doing it, just tell yourself, ok, these are my issues, its not my neighbors, its my hypervigilance, etc. It sounds silly but I've found if I just take a step back and look at things objectively that it takes power away from my anxiety and stuff. Its not easy, and its not 100%, but over time I have been able to relegate my worrying anxious pointless thoughts to only take up part of my brain, and not dominate it. Every time you tell yourself, oh this is just my issues, which I am working on, and its ok that I am anxious even though I know its not entirely healthy, it gets a little easier.

There is something to be said for being at peace with not being at peace, if that makes any sense. Over time it gets less and less.

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks Alb :) and thanks for making the time to think about it for me.

I AM doing some of the stuff you say. My therapist has started me on going outside for 5 minutes a day - not to do work or to monitor the safety of my world, but to try to live in the present and appreciate what is going on. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is easier.

I'm not homebound... but boy, I can see how I would get there. I feel totally safe at work (middle school teacher). Just not at home, though.

And I don't have a camp or cottage or other place. I do ride horses once a week and it is TOTAL release. But someone else's horse, not mine.

The worst day for me is Sunday. I go to church (I'm the organist) - everything is quiet and safe and very ordered. Then I go home to everyone else in the neighborhood being home. Lawnmowers, motorcycles, home projects. In the past I have stayed home and ENDURED. SURVIVED. But I have decided that as long as the weather is good, I will take my sons on an outing every Sunday. Of course, PTSD tells me, you should be home. Someone next door is going to cut down your trees and go into your yard. They are going to have wild orgies while you are gone. You need to be home doing yardwork so you can monitor what is going on. And, yes, those voices are/were that strong!

I agree. It is going to be a very long slog...

 

[nycowboy]

Loner - this is exactly what my therapist has been working on with me! And it totally does work. But... if I forget (or don't allow myself) to do this, I go in the evil downward spiral of trouble and doom.

This happened this past Sunday. Long story, but my older son was in Special Olympics (autism) and that brought up a lot of grief for me. This set me off. Then on Sunday the weather was not great so I "froze" for a few hours and got myself in a total funk. Finally I did take my sons sneaker shopping and it was like phew. Release.

And I was able to go in the backyard and work in my garden, but not until 8 pm when most people were inside. And that's when I saw a ladder left out next door ALERT ALERT DIFFERENT BEEP BEEP INVASION Instead of telling myself it is my PTSD/anxiety and acknowledging what was going on, I let myself fall down the slippery slope and had to monitor the security light and how it was going to shine brightly on our house. I was able to go for a walk, though and came back when it was dark.

Sure enough the light clicked on. It blinked off in about 10 seconds and it wasn't that bright. A paper tiger. But boy, my mind was spinning until that point.

[DOUBLEPOST=1399387714,1399387481][/DOUBLEPOST]I purposely (when outside) look to find something different or "wrong". I gauge how safe the world is by what I see. If the weather is going to be lousy on the weather forecast, I feel safe and my anxiety goes down. Way down. But if it is going to be a gloriously sunny long holiday weekend, look out. I feel totally unsafe and my mind starts spinning.

 

[scout86]

I can SO relate to what you're talking about! And, some of it I never actually thought of as a "problem" until now. All of which means I probably won't be much help. LOL

Things like the ladder. Would it work, when you notice stuff like that, to give yourself credit for being observant, but then remember that there are MANY possible reasons why the ladder might be there? Maybe spend some time considering ALL the possible reasons you can think of? (Including things like your neighbor isn't very good at putting stuff away.) You already understand that it helps to change how you're looking at stuff. ("This is PTSD causing me to think this way, not 'reality'.") I'm just suggesting expanding that. Sometimes it helps me if I carry that line of thinking all the way to where it's totally absurd and then I can start to see it that way.

I've been trying to think about how I handled it when I've had to live in town. I spent a lot of time going for walks. Somehow, "people" aren't as much of a problem in public as they are in the next yard. (That seems weird, even to me!) I really hadn't thought much about any of this until you brought it up. (I'm glad you brought it up.) For me, it seems like it would be hard to get comfortable with, so I'd think of it as kind of an "advanced lesson" in the whole therapy thing. So, maybe give yourself credit that way? That this might be hard, but that's ok?

I'd still think about a nice, attractive fence, or at least a hedge. :bag:

 

[Stagetrapdoor]

I would go for the fence. You don't need the extra aggravation. Call the police if the noise is out of hand.No one knows who placed the complaint.You have a right to reasonable peace and quiet.Then you are free to work on other problems.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not homebound... but boy, I can see how I would get there. I feel totally safe at work (middle school teacher). Just not at home, though

I would want to feel safe at home and would do what ever it takes to get that feeling. Exposure to triggers to learn to manage them is fine (at least for some) but I would need somewhere to retreat to between exposure, and I would want that place to be my home.

 

[The Albatross]

I used to feel safe at work too. When my job changed I had to deal with the phobias of being at home. Home is where the brunt of abuse though not all sexual assaults occurred for me. It took a good while to quell the anxiousness and anxiety of having to be there for health reasons for a year and a half and I didn't handle it well. I was actually really shocked when my health improved and I realized how difficult it was for me to deal with things again.

I incorporated in timed exposures first with "public" and then picked up a second job and consider it a sort of exposure to go into client's homes for shorter exposures. Women was easy for me, now I have primarily men clients. I have to manage my stress and anxiety for periods of up to 4 hours when with them. Sunday is a double exposure and has been for over a year. It takes a lot out of me.

It has been slow, deliberate, timed/finite exposures... and over the past years, I have been practicing self management, and am now able to travel pretty much where ever I want to go. The beach stuff is the hardest thing I've run into for a while because part of the exposure is being in a bathing suit (partial nudity). But I have only done a couple of the bathing suit exposures at home in my back yard.... as I still have some fear about a stalking experience.

I have a privacy fence, but am very edgy about being seen in my yard at home partially clothed. Even in my own back yard. Never in my front yard. When I do yard work I wear long sleeves, and long pants with a big floppy hat even then temperatures go up to the mid 90's. I don't even want to wear shorts.

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks for the additional information and thoughts, all of you.

I have been doing some serious thinking over the past 24 hours at how much time I spend on thinking about strangers' lives. I don't know my neighbors, but I'm afraid that they are going to "get" me somehow or invade my space. What a waste of life that is. Damn PTSD. Damn kids that used to pick on me all the time.

I am starting to formulate some ways to "practice" and "train".

1. I'm going outside for 5 minutes a day in the backyard, regardless of whether "they" are home or not.

2. I did contact a contractor to give us a fence estimate. Whether I go through with it or not is still up in the air, but I feel better with taking that step. Is it restricting my universe? Maybe. But I feel a whole lot more peaceful with knowing that we can get a fence if the need is there.

3. Each morning when I go to work, and each afternoon when I come home, I have the strong tendency to want to look at the neighbors' driveway just to see if they are home or at work, to gauge how safe I am. I'm forcing myself to look at the other side of the street.

4. Instead of OCD'ing with weather forecasts on line and checking them every 10 minutes, I'm going to check them no more than once a day, or twice max. Again - if the weather is bad/rainy, I feel safe because no one will be outside to "get" me. If it is sunny, I get depressed and anxious.

5. I'm planning outings for weekend days. At this phase of the game, I'm going to do my yardwork on the weekdays and do other stuff on weekends. But I know that this is avoidance behavior. Or is it? The way I see it, I could stay home and suffer or go other places and have fun and do stuff with my family.

Thanks again for all your help. Keep the ideas and the posts coming![DOUBLEPOST=1399474428,1399474194][/DOUBLEPOST]

Sometimes it helps me if I carry that line of thinking all the way to where it's totally absurd and then I can start to see it that way.

Somehow, "people" aren't as much of a problem in public as they are in the next yard.

I'd still think about a nice, attractive fence, or at least a hedge. :bag:

I totally agree with the "people" comment, scout. Very true. It's like I can escape from "the public", but can't escape from the people next door because that is where they live.

Can you explain some more about carrying something to absurdity? I kind of get what you mean, but not entirely.

 

[scout86]

I'll give you a recent, personal example. (Actually, at the moment, I have several to chose from, it's been a messy few weeks!)

So, in early March, a good friend of mine, who had combat related PTSD, committed suicide. That's a bad deal, no matter what. In this case, BEFORE he had PTSD, he & I had talked often about all kinds of stuff. Although I hadn't been diagnosed with PTSD at that point, it had been suggested to me that I probably had it, but I never mentioned that to anyone. My friend, though, knew I had a few quirks and apparently liked me anyway.

I haven't had a lot of close friends, and, as it's worked out, MOST of them are dead. I had mentioned to this particular friend that sometimes I felt like a jinx. "To be involved with me is to risk death." He said that was ridiculous. When he went on his first deployment, we talked about this and he said, "Nothing bad is going to happen to ME!" We argued, but he convinced me. I had kind of forgotten those conversations until a short time after his death. When I remembered, I couldn't quit thinking about how there "are no coincidences", so maybe my original thought (which started as a joke) was true after all...... I got to thinking about all the people I was "putting at risk". (Not really that many because, in my weird way of looking at things, only people who actually know how I think about stuff are at risk.) BUT, I DO have a couple good friends who aren't dead (yet?). So, what about them??? And what about my therapist?! So, maybe the thing to do is quit therapy and back off from any and all relationships. (FYI, I'm now totally relaying what I was thinking THEN. I'm somewhat better now, I think.) So, besides that, I've got this neighbor I can't stand, maybe it's time to sell this place and move, Yep, maybe it's time to get that house at the end of a dead end road. Maybe in Alaska? Maybe not that far, I have to make a living, but I could be more isolated than I am here and earn a living. And, maybe I should also put a gate across the road? (At this point I was starting to recognize the landscape as being "wacko land". I'm going to use italics to represent the different sides of the conversation in my head.) Ok, so if I quit therapy, sell my place, and move to the middle of a state forest, then what? Well, I've already had the "dropping off the radar screen unannounced is a red flag" conversation with my T and he's said he doesn't think that kind of thing should be ignored.... Yeah, and who do the guys at the VA call when they need someone retrieved from THEIR house at the end of the road? Well, actually, they call my T. He knows to bring treats for the dogs and everything.....OK, and do you REALLY want him showing up at your door, because he COULD, you know? And how would THAT conversation go? Well....maybe not so good? Probably. And, remember what he said about no one being able to control the fate of the entire universe? Well..... So, many it's a good thing if I go to the session scheduled for tomorrow instead of heading off into wacko land?

Does that help? I'm kind of on a roll right now. I managed to call my T a liar in an email the other day. He was pretty rational about that too. (Which is presumably why HE'S a T and I'M a client!) I kind of did the same thing with that, although I'm still not 100% sure I can trust him...... (We're wandering on the edges of wacko land, more than likely.)

So, in your case. I'd take what I saw that concerned me and run scenarios, trying to make them as ridiculous as I could. (BTW, in the beginning of that story I just told, I wasn't aware that the way I was thinking wasn't real rational. Lucky for me, that thought crossed my mind BEFORE I called a realtor.) So, there's a ladder? What are they going do with it? Maybe they're planning to elope with my teenage daughter. (I don't have one and don't know if you do either.) Or, maybe they're planning to attack my car with it. Pick the stuff that's the most far out you can, to get to where you can laugh at yourself and your thought processes a little. That's the point of all this. To find humor in the absurdity, because we all know it's really kind of absurd. It's also not your fault. It just IS.

Does that help at all?

 

[nycowboy]

Amen, brother scout. Hey, if you need a neighbor, you can move next to me. I think we booted, horse-loving guys would get along very well!

Now I get it. Have fun with it. Ahhh... I'm good at that!

But, boy, that house at the end of the dead-end road DOES sound rather peaceful! OK. On to another thought :)