Problem Solving & Looking At The Facts

[Saedhilian]

I'd like to discuss problem solving methods.

Lately I have found myself in a situation where I am entirely overwhelmed. This time of year is very difficult for me because of events that have occurred in past years at this time, and as such my ability to see things clearly and resolve issues (as opposed to letting them be, keeping my mouth shut, and hiding myself away in my head) is significantly diminished. As such, I'd like to discuss problem solving methods and also ways in which to look at the REALITY of situations as opposed to how we FEEL about them. Regarding the latter, I often find that my view of reality may be skewed by the high levels of anxiety I feel and it is hard for me to look at what my options are because I am afraid of bad past events repeating (being institutionalized unnecessarily for being honest about feelings, having things "taken away" for speaking my mind even in a respectful way, for example). This is why I feel that the two are rather inseparable and must be discussed together.

Also as a side note, for those that may have seen my posts or whatever, I did finally find a therapist and am surprised that she has training in both cult psychology and Asperger's Syndrome (and obviously trauma). She is excellent and I am trying to get insurance still to see her every week, although she has gotten my copay as low as it can go for the time being. She has confirmed that I do have PTSD and so far we are working on helping me deal with the process of finding a new job. I do not see her again until next week, hence why I wanted to come here to discuss problem solving. I would also value the opinions of those here.

So, what problem solving methods do you find effective? How do you keep or get a clear head when you need to solve a problem, even though it might be very triggering? And anything else related. Discuss.

 

[Justmehere]

Lots of grounding tools help me when I am triggered to get my brain out of fear fueled thinking patterns and into a state where I can make better decisions. Mindfulness helps me take in the world as it is, and take in more information to make good decisions about the present moment, rather than how the present is reminding me of the past, as it often does.

 

[Hashi]

Hi Saedhilian,

I'm not sure what sort of problems you mean - coping with practical tasks, dealing with people in normal situations, dealing with difficult people, making decisions? I'm wondering what the context is for speaking your mind.

Would you be able to say a bit more about the types of problems, or give brief examples?

 

[Saedhilian]

@Hashi : I was referring mostly to everyday life problems, so interpersonal, decision making, adapting to circumstances, trying to change circumstances, etc. I apologize for the vague nature of the post; was hoping that it might inspire general discussion where others felt they could relate to the topic without focusing much on what's going on with me. I'm having a hard time right now with my living and job situation and on top of that my head has been foggy for several months, so it's difficult to sort things out. Basically I was hoping that others might post something to the effect of "I had x problem and did y about it" and that it might give me (and others) and idea of different problem solving styles.

One of mine that I try to use when I can is writing; I write how I feel because it is often hard for me to recognize my feelings and be honest about them in my own head, and try to figure out why I feel that way. Then sometimes I will write something in this form, using a personal example:

Problem: Unsafe Work Conditions
What can I do about it?:
1. Do nothing; pretend nothing is wrong like everyone else.
2. Quit. Not a good option though as I need an income.
3. Discuss the problem with management. This will probably not cause change as their concern with my nearly having a stack of barrels fall on me was nonexistent. Still, if I did this and they did not cause change (allowing us to wear safety material, replacing unstable pallets in the back, not using old and molded barrels, etc) it would not look good on them to OSHA.
4. Report directly to OSHA. I could get fired, though, and need an income.
5. Get a new job and then report the safety hazards to OSHA.
6. Report it anonymously to the paper.

The basic idea with the above is to firstly identify the problem (which sometimes is hard for me because my head is in a whirl of confusion a lot) and secondly list ALL options to said problem, even if they are not viable. The reason that I do it that way is because I often have a hard time seeing that I have options. Having been disempowered most of my life, I try to empower myself through seeing that I can do something even if it doesn't feel like it.

Also in regards to the "speaking my mind" bit, I mean that I tend to "become someone else" around other people and not say what I actually think/feel. I am terrified of people, particularly in authority positions, and am afraid that if I act "like myself" that something will be taken away or I will be punished, like losing my job for speaking out against unsafe conditions in the workplace or losing a place to live if I speak up and tell my boyfriend's mother that the way she treats him is horrendous. Not saying anything makes me feel like I am living a lie.

 

[Valentino]

I often find that my view of reality may be skewed by the high levels of anxiety I feel and it is hard for me to look at what my options are

I'd suggest exploring methods for soothing your anxiety and fear levels. Stimming is what many autistic people do to ease and release nervous energy. There are subtle ways to stim, like deep breathing, self massage, repetitive movements, sensory/spikey balls, plush toys, etc.

Basically anything that can bring more attention to the physical body that is also soothing and comforting.

Grounding techniques and methods get similar results, but stimming might be more focused on specifically releasing nervous energy.

Once your body is more calm, then you will be more relaxed and able to see reality more clear.

As for decision making, you learn by making mistakes. Gather as much information as you can, clarify your needs, consider the needs of others, assess the risk/reward levels, understand your limitations, recognize timing, etc.

Don't forget the value of waiting and patience. Sometimes simply 'sitting with' questions in your mind or consciousness, can allow your subconscious to work on things, and you valuable insights will come into your consciousness in time.

 

[Hashi]

I think the first two questions with any scenario is about what outcome you want and whether that's realistic.

The two examples you've given seem very different to me. Workplace safety would seem to be clear, defined, measurable, relevant to your role as an employee and subject to legislation/regulations. The way your boyfriend's mother treats your boyfriend would seem to be open to all sorts of subjectivity and emotional responses, and I think it raises questions about who would best say it - perhaps your boyfriend himself rather than you? Do you think she would change for the better if you spoke to her? Is there anything you think would change for the better? For example would you feel better inside yourself for having spoken, even if it had no effect or if relations actually worsened as a result?

I think you need to be clear not just about what you'd like to do, but what you're trying to achieve by it.

In terms of actually having discussions, I've found resources on assertiveness techniques, negotiation and dealing with difficult people very helpful. There are some good websites, books and courses. I particularly like "Getting to Yes" by Roger Fisher. For feeling easily manipulated and made by others to doubt myself, I liked "In Sheep's Clothing" by George K Simon. But other resources might suit you better, there are loads out there.

In general, I find the assertiveness technique of "broken record" very helpful and the use of neutral, non-oppositional language such as saying "at the same time" rather than "but".

What's most important though, isn't just knowing techniques but practising, practising and practising. It needs lots of role play to change the automatic reactions that come up when we try to say things in a way we haven't before.
With the techniques I've found helpful, I've practised loads with a friend "opposing me" (I did the same for her) until it became much more automatic and natural.

I'm also wondering if there's something about the final step for you, because I know there has been for me. A friend told me about "the six C's of decision-making" and the one that really struck me was the last one - Commit to a decision and follow through. Use a good process for making up my mind, and then take the action - whereas I tend to keep wondering about the decision even as I'm implementing it, and might be tempted to rethink it, which weakens my position and does my head in!