Sexual Assault Promiscuity following sexual abuse/assault

[WishfulThinking123]

@Gruba sorry that I misunderstood what you said in your previous post. I get it now. Hmm.. Well idk maybe the next time he makes a comment like that you could say something along the lines of "you never know what those girls are going through or where they are coming from." Maybe try to give him a different perspective on the situation without having to directly divulge your past. However, since it is effecting intimacy as you previously mentioned maybe you should just be honest with him vaguely (like you don't have to give him all of the details..)

 

[anthony]

How common is sexual promiscuity in victims of sexual abuse and/or sexual assault?

Its up there. I disagree that its a half and half thing though. Studies indicate various outcomes for sexual activity for women who have been raped / assaulted / longevity abused. It becomes quite individualised IMO. Some want more sex, some less sex, some no sex, some the same as they had -- they may just not want sex for months afterwards, years even, then return to be sexually active.

Your question is specific, and the answer is that its common enough that you should not make it another problem to beat upon yourself as though you're broken, at fault or other negative connotation.

Just remember, an abused is the victim -- the perpetrator owns all the blame, not the victim.

 

[Herefornow]

After I was attacked a few months ago I forced myself to have "intimacy" with someone it made no sense I hated it but I wanted to prove I could be ok and do it I still regret it but I know everyone is different ... I also know I won't or can't imagine it happening for a very very long time

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low right now. *Hugs* I know life can seem hard sometimes especially with ptsd

@WishfulThinking123 Thanks for the encouragement, It seems its always been this way, I seem to either be in a state of being actively suicidal or passively as a baseline. In 1986 a state hospital termed it "chronic" but back then they were clueless as to my trauma. Today it's a little different, my trauma is out in the open, and for the first time people are trying to give me the help i need all along. I know I am going to be dealing with my PTSD the rest of my life, I accept that, what I can't deal with is not being able to break my situational uncertainty hypervigilance. It makes for a miserable life, and is always there to make situations worse. It prevents me from being social with the rest of the world. Even my own therapist did not really understand the depth of this until after my recent hospitalization, when she learned what the issue was I was hospitalized for. I have one benchmark, and that is breaking this form of hypervigilance, if in the end it can't or does not get done for some reason (barriers to achievement), then I am back where I started before the last hospitalization. I can't live with this form of hypervigilance, I don't need to say what that leads to. As most of us have been there before. But until then I am trying to give it my all, and give others a chance to help me.

It seems that most of the clinicians who work with me now understand this too. For the first time I heard my therapist refer to my abuse as "severe", It seems they are just beginning to grasp what I am dealing with, and how difficult it is to even exist.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I didn't touch on my intimacy issues. I hate any and all kinds of intimacy. My husband was never the type...

the fact that many of you can even refer to having a spouse is heart breaking to me, all that I struggle with has denied me even being able to socialize without problems. I will always been alone and single, except for those times when I am numbing.

 

[Hooper]

When I mentioned the "list" and rape (in which I kind of defended the guy), my now-husband didn't care, probably because he was with a lot of people before knowing me. I don't know if you need to tell your husband or not. If this stuff is affecting your ability to be intimate, you probably should. But it doesn't mean that you need to list every sorted detail. I doubt I will ever tell my husband what actually happened during the rape. I can barely say it to my therapist. Plus, my husband thinks that I should just get over it.

My wife disclosed the fact that she had been raped when our dating turned serious. It took 15 years for me to ask the details of what happened. That was a big mistake. I've got a fairly long thread on it if you need any justification to not disclose I'd recommend reading it. She asked if I wanted to know her number when we were dating and I really didn't want to know. It seems very arbitrary. I don't know what is high or low in her situation. For some reason we got on the subject again in the past year and she told me it was 13 with 4 being serious relationships. I'm at 8 with 4 serious relationships as well. I never kept a tally and had to think back. It wasn't like every new person I slept with was going to be number "x".


If I looked like she does, were female and wanted sex like I do I can tell you my number would be way over 13. It's so much easier for a woman to find a willing partner than a man. As for willing I don't know that I would count her rape as a number although she did have sex with him again since he was her boyfriend and it was a date rape she was trying to normalize. I had a lot of trouble with the fact she went back but she was only 13 years old, he was 16 and it's a tough period in life to begin with rape or no rape. For the other 12 how many were due to the rape I don't know. I do know her rapist publicized his conquest and when they broke up every guy in school new she had had sex and she was hounded. I do wonder had she not been raped if we would have ever gotten together. She considers 13 to be promiscuous from 13 yrs old to 22 yrs old when we started dating. It still bothers me to no end but there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I just feel fortunate that she picked me every single day I go to bed with her and again the next morning when I wake up with her. There are much more important questions than what is your number and what were the details of what happened. I'd be more inclined to ask are you glad you chose me. Just the perspective of a husband 2 years into therapy. Good luck.

 

[Hooper]

OP,
I don't know why I didn't mention it above but the double standard for the number of partners a man has vs a woman is a crock of s**t. If I were a woman and a partner insisted on knowing your number I wouldn't disclose but I would ask questions:
1. How many women who threw themselves at you did you turn down? As a man whose number is 8 I can tell you I got shot down a lot. Not all but most men are green lights. Some women are but most are red to caution lights. A woman that acts like a man is considered a slut whereas a man is labeled a stud. The odds are you have turned down many and he has turned down few. Turn the tables on him and make him answer some questions. If you do I think he will realize the absurdity of the question.
2. How many is too many (if he persists)? I never was on a quest to marry a virgin. These questions are going to come before marriage if it is a deal breaker. Part of the reason I wouldn't marry a virgin is I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't been with for over a couple of years and I don't want to hold out that long. On top of that I lost my virginity at 17 so why hold her to a standard I don't hold myself to.
3. Would you truly prefer to know how many partners I had or something more useful like have you ever cheated on a partner?

Think of your own questions but at some point the absurdity is bound to sink in. If it doesn't I'd walk.