Myanxietyhasanxiety
Silver Member
I slowly wake up to the sound of birds chirping. It's a beautiful bright new day. All the hope is hinged in this day. this day will be different. This day I will accomplish the goals I set for myself.... my nature is to be optomistic. This day is going be great.... then, I look at the time 2pm, I'm instantly annoyed at myself, I look around, ugh...My room is still a disaster from yesterday's low, my clothes are all over the floor, old food, dirty dishes...
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with feelings of inadequacies, depression, anger, and irritability
PLEASE STAND BY
30 mins have past. Where did the time go? I get out of the bed. I'm still reeling about my room. I feel fat. There is nothing to wear. My hair is disgusting. I head to the living room to see my family. They are just sitting there playing games, smiling. WHY are they so happy??? How do people wake up happy? WHY did no one wake me? WHY am I so angry? Let it go, let it go. Omg that songs annoying. Explodes at family at the first perceived wrong...
Pssst...I interrupt this moment to a shaking body. Accompied with feelings of shame, guilt, remorse.
PLEASE STAND BY
I shake it off, I tell myself I NEED to let this go, I tell myself Im stronger than this, shake it off Stef, your stronger, let it go, this is a new day, your okay, I force myself to read positive affirmations, quotes. I feel a little renewed. I'm okay. Do something positive.
I look over to see the cat. He looks hilarious, I'm belly laugh, snap a photo, make a funny joke. Then I have a flashback.
Pssst.... I interrupt this happy moment with a happy memory. This memory is linked future significant pain, a dark haunted past. Heart starts to quicken. My brain is now experiencing technical difficulties.
PLEASE STAND BY
Where did 2 hours go???? Now I'm really off schedule!!! I did not accomplish one thing, all my plans for the day are ruined, I feel disguised with myself, angry that I'm so pathetic, angry that I can never follow through, the guilt, anger, shame, depression, I'm pissed.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with a flashback. I'm back at that exact moment feeling exactly the same.
PLEASE STAND BY
My 12 yr old daughter needs my attention. I desperately force myself to shake it off. It's my daughter, she's so helpless, I grab the mask- I put on the facade. She needs a happy mother. I must wear this mask now. I limit my reactions. I pretend. This is so exhausting. She's so precious though. She needs me. I need to do this for her. After an hour I can't do it anymore. This mask is so heavy. I'm so exhausted. I head to my room and lay down.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with extreme guilt. I should be a better parent.
PLEASE STAND BY
Its 730pm. I didn't even eat yet, I'm starving, my body feels weak. Food. I need food. I thoughtlessly grab something quick. My head is pounding. I feel weak. Food. I'm feeling a little better now but I shouldn't have ate that. Ugh. Guilt. But I too exhausted to cook. Ugh guilt. Women are spose to feed their family right?? What kind of mom am I??. Ugh. Shame. What did my daughter eat?? I need to feed her, I force myself up to cook something. I can't be selfish. I cook up some dinner. We sit down to eat. Dinner is over, I don't want to clean. I just want to sleep. I'm just so exhausted. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. I repeat. My brain is on repeat over and over like a broken record trying to skip the flaw.
I must spend time with her. TV show? Family game? What do we do? I pick TV. I can sit on the couch. It's the easier choice. I'm so exhausted.
TV time is over now. I enjoyed that time. It made me happy. Now it's bed time. Historically, this is the worst time. I feel the anxiety coming. It's 11 and I got nothing done! I never get anything done. Tommorow I'm unlikely to get anything done.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with an anxiety attack.
PLEASE STAND BY
Bath. I will take a bath. Baths make me happy. At least I will be clean. Tommorow will be ok then. It's less I have to do tommorow. I like being clean. Maybe this will help me relax (I tell myself)
I'm out now, God my room is a mess. I'm too tired now. I will do it tommorow. I should lay down now. I hate sleeping. I'm already freaking out laying in the bed. Night time is the worst. The memories, the quiet, I hate the quiet. I don't want to hear my thoughts.
Go to sleep Stef. Go to sleep Stef. Go to sleep Stef..... Nope. No chance in hell. I'm too awake. I'm feeling scared. What if I fall asleep? What if I have a nightmare?
Pssst.... I interrupt this with another anxiety attack.
PLEASE STAND BY
I turn on the TV. Ahh, better. It mutes out my thoughts...... time passes. Now it's 430am. I'm still awake. Why are my teeth clenched? I need to sleep, scared to sleep, it will be light soon. Maybe I will skip sleep. I might as well. I can get a fresh start early. This makes me hopeful. I could have all morning to do things. Be accomplished. It's a fresh start. I can sleep tommorow.
I pass out.
*This is my life in a nutshell. Except the many days I can't sleep. Hijacked by PTSD.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with feelings of inadequacies, depression, anger, and irritability
PLEASE STAND BY
30 mins have past. Where did the time go? I get out of the bed. I'm still reeling about my room. I feel fat. There is nothing to wear. My hair is disgusting. I head to the living room to see my family. They are just sitting there playing games, smiling. WHY are they so happy??? How do people wake up happy? WHY did no one wake me? WHY am I so angry? Let it go, let it go. Omg that songs annoying. Explodes at family at the first perceived wrong...
Pssst...I interrupt this moment to a shaking body. Accompied with feelings of shame, guilt, remorse.
PLEASE STAND BY
I shake it off, I tell myself I NEED to let this go, I tell myself Im stronger than this, shake it off Stef, your stronger, let it go, this is a new day, your okay, I force myself to read positive affirmations, quotes. I feel a little renewed. I'm okay. Do something positive.
I look over to see the cat. He looks hilarious, I'm belly laugh, snap a photo, make a funny joke. Then I have a flashback.
Pssst.... I interrupt this happy moment with a happy memory. This memory is linked future significant pain, a dark haunted past. Heart starts to quicken. My brain is now experiencing technical difficulties.
PLEASE STAND BY
Where did 2 hours go???? Now I'm really off schedule!!! I did not accomplish one thing, all my plans for the day are ruined, I feel disguised with myself, angry that I'm so pathetic, angry that I can never follow through, the guilt, anger, shame, depression, I'm pissed.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with a flashback. I'm back at that exact moment feeling exactly the same.
PLEASE STAND BY
My 12 yr old daughter needs my attention. I desperately force myself to shake it off. It's my daughter, she's so helpless, I grab the mask- I put on the facade. She needs a happy mother. I must wear this mask now. I limit my reactions. I pretend. This is so exhausting. She's so precious though. She needs me. I need to do this for her. After an hour I can't do it anymore. This mask is so heavy. I'm so exhausted. I head to my room and lay down.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with extreme guilt. I should be a better parent.
PLEASE STAND BY
Its 730pm. I didn't even eat yet, I'm starving, my body feels weak. Food. I need food. I thoughtlessly grab something quick. My head is pounding. I feel weak. Food. I'm feeling a little better now but I shouldn't have ate that. Ugh. Guilt. But I too exhausted to cook. Ugh guilt. Women are spose to feed their family right?? What kind of mom am I??. Ugh. Shame. What did my daughter eat?? I need to feed her, I force myself up to cook something. I can't be selfish. I cook up some dinner. We sit down to eat. Dinner is over, I don't want to clean. I just want to sleep. I'm just so exhausted. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. I repeat. My brain is on repeat over and over like a broken record trying to skip the flaw.
I must spend time with her. TV show? Family game? What do we do? I pick TV. I can sit on the couch. It's the easier choice. I'm so exhausted.
TV time is over now. I enjoyed that time. It made me happy. Now it's bed time. Historically, this is the worst time. I feel the anxiety coming. It's 11 and I got nothing done! I never get anything done. Tommorow I'm unlikely to get anything done.
Pssst... I interrupt this moment with an anxiety attack.
PLEASE STAND BY
Bath. I will take a bath. Baths make me happy. At least I will be clean. Tommorow will be ok then. It's less I have to do tommorow. I like being clean. Maybe this will help me relax (I tell myself)
I'm out now, God my room is a mess. I'm too tired now. I will do it tommorow. I should lay down now. I hate sleeping. I'm already freaking out laying in the bed. Night time is the worst. The memories, the quiet, I hate the quiet. I don't want to hear my thoughts.
Go to sleep Stef. Go to sleep Stef. Go to sleep Stef..... Nope. No chance in hell. I'm too awake. I'm feeling scared. What if I fall asleep? What if I have a nightmare?
Pssst.... I interrupt this with another anxiety attack.
PLEASE STAND BY
I turn on the TV. Ahh, better. It mutes out my thoughts...... time passes. Now it's 430am. I'm still awake. Why are my teeth clenched? I need to sleep, scared to sleep, it will be light soon. Maybe I will skip sleep. I might as well. I can get a fresh start early. This makes me hopeful. I could have all morning to do things. Be accomplished. It's a fresh start. I can sleep tommorow.
I pass out.
*This is my life in a nutshell. Except the many days I can't sleep. Hijacked by PTSD.
