Psychologist Fears

[VRabbit]

I saw my psychiatrist two days ago and they referred me to a psychologist after several sessions with them. The psychologist called me today to set an appointment and just chat for a bit. Great. I schedule for this upcoming Monday and now I'm having severe anxiety. I already have backup plans to my backup plan's backup plan.

I feel so incredibly guilty. I don't want to go through everything, to talk about it, to be analyzed. I'm admittedly horrified that at the end of this everything "I" am is going to be a side effect of trauma and nothing of "me" will be left.

Can anyone advise of some ways to get through these initial therapy sessions? Does anyone have tips for how to not run as far and fast as possible? Pragmatically I know I need this, I know I have to do this, but I'm physically sick with anxiety.

I've read so many articles of platitudes, maybe there's something addressing the cognitive dissonance of all this? Logically I know none of this is normal and my behaviour is aberrant, in every other way I'm picking this all apart and finding every reason to find fault - that mental health help is a trap - a way to steal my rights as an autonomous being and pidgeon hole me.

My apologies and thanks, in advance.

 

[Wendell_R]

I know none of this is normal

It's normal for all of us with PTSD, though. There are LOTS of ways to run away, and many of us have tried multiple ways and multiple times. So maybe the first thing is to know you're not alone.

The most important thing in therapy, for me, is learning to be honest. You can share all your fears with your therapist and see how the two of you respond to each other talking about them.

 

[Phoenix(not)]

I am sorry you are feeling apprehensive about seeing psychologist. My understanding is the psychiatrist looks after the pharmacological support (Medications) and the psychologist is supposed to help you learn techniques to mitigate the symptoms. That is my belief anyway. I have been through all the "try this, now try that" (meds) and the psychologist sessions. If anything, my experience is psychiatrists tend to prescribe the cheaper, more popular meds and progressively move through to more expensive, better meds if/when the previous med is not helpful. I often wonder why I was not given the med I am on (last 7 years) much earlier. For me it was profoundly different to all others. But they tell me "we are all different and what works for one may not work so well for another" (hence the "try this, now try that").

Psychologist is supposed to support you by understanding the root cause, symptoms and responses and then help us mitigate by teaching us techniques to overcome. When we are new to all this, it is understandably stressful and distressing with lots of apprehension and anxiety and yes, they ask questions about the causal event(s) and how it impacted. But when they have a better understanding of these things, they are the primary aid in coping and living with PTSD.

We are all different though. For me there were two major relievers: 1. a particular med that immediately and noticeably worked better than all others (but cost our NHS more) and 2. being taught, believing in and mastering Mindfulness and Meditation techniques. I personally find the meditation thing to be at least as effective as any medication if not much more effective. It was a long road and I have come to accept some things like my exaggerated startle response and distress when feeling unsafe will never go away but promptly engaging mindfulness is always there to rapidly de-escalate and re-ground me in the "now" moment.

I hope this helps in alleviating some apprehension about seeing a psychologist and wish you well for recovery.

 

[grit]

Every therapist I had in the past become a sore wound for me. I had so many anxieties and fantasies of canceling or showing them they do not know shit about me and they are just doing their job to blahahaha me and eventually they would get bored with me. I started and quit 3 of them in less than 2yrs. So in a way, I can relate to your trepidation and fear. I honestly do not know how you can soothe this anxiety but for me (and that anxiety ripped me apart and made me bleed). It was an indication of exactly how I felt around my mother, if I was in touch of my feelings when I was younger or even just few years ago. That anxiety was a memory of my childhood that just attached itself to this new authority figure that I need to report to. So I soothed my deeply scared and afraid inner child. It made no sense to me I was so afraid of a person I had never met before.

Regardless, I hope you find some relief over the weekend. It is gripping and gnawing at the moment.

 

[Freida]

Can anyone advise of some ways to get through these initial therapy sessions?

Tell them this ^^^^. That you are ready to run rather than show up and want some coping skills to get you in the front door. The rest can wait until you get comfortable with your T. It took almost a year before I got comfortable and started telling mine the truth about my traumas.

 

[Longtime ptsd]

I see my therapist for the first time in about a month. On one hand it seems like a long time
On the other I feel exactly as you are

 

[VRabbit]

Firstly I really want to thank everyone, emphatically, for the support. I took the advice given as best I could and it was invaluable.

I saw my new psychologist today for intake and it went rough, I was utterly defensive and short in my answers. I go so numb with questions and they were really trying to be mindful. So verbally I'm just shut down and robotic bit I couldn't stop shaking.

I made an appointment again for next the next two Monday's to go over a treatment plan and see how this all goes.

Now that I'm not at the office in that situation, I'm contemplating how I get records and read notes, and why I even care. I went to see people because I cannot function this way any longer without destroying the semblance of a life I have, yet I'm resentful and guilty I had to? It's such a weird dichotomy.

Again, thank you all. I needed some reassurance and support, and I got advice from the office on how to actually show up and not just walk again.

Does anyone know if it's okay to start a diary here? I'm not in CBT yet and I don't want to push any boundaries being new...

 

[Longtime ptsd]

Im new here also. Will not see psychologist for another month. I'm sure there would not be any problem with starting a diary. I am glad to here you saw a psychologist and I can only imagine what it will be like. I will be thinking of you my friend

 

[VRabbit]

@Longtime ptsd thank you. I haff to allot this is my life, my entire life, and I've never sought treatment and then I see and hear all this excess typing and immediately want to know what's going on.

It's rough, but it's my choice, and that's what I keep clinging to. I hope your visit goes well and you find the help you want and, most importantly, need.

 

[Longtime ptsd]

Same here .have had this for to long

 

[Wendell_R]

Does anyone know if it's okay to start a diary here?

Yes, it's fine to start a diary here. Since bringing this stuff up is hard for you, you might want to think about what would type of journal entries would help you the most. Another option is that supporting others by Likes and posts can be a gentle way to both get to know people here and to build up your tolerance for being open about the types of issues we share.