General PTSD and Infidelity

[tardis]

Infidelity has been discussed here before but I reckon I have a different twist on it with my girlfriend. She has PTSD obviously, but is also very physically ill at the moment. Earlier this week she had a surgical procedure and the surgeon told her no sexual relations for 3-4 weeks. OK, not the best news for me :wink: but nothing I can't handle either. I'm an adult and she's ill afterall.

After the doctor's orders, she said to me in all seriousness, that if I wanted to go get a prostitute or what have you, she doesn't care. Basically gave me permission to shag someone else on the side... I was stunned to say the least. Rather offended too as I have no intention to cheat nor desire to be with anyone but her. Tried to get her to explain herself more but she just shrugged and said, "I'm not the jealous type".

When the cancer first returned, she also said I could leave her if I wanted, she wouldn't expect me to stay with a sick girlfriend. After a few days though she admitted she was both guilty over being ill and terrified I might leave her and it was her screwy way of protecting me and herself both... so we were able to resolve that one. So I suspect this might be some extension of the same.

Anyhow, wondering if anyone can relate to this on either end. I have PTSD myself but its not something I identify with so I'm a bit baffled.

 

[Nicolette]

Wow Dean. I'm sorry to read what you have written.

In my opinion you are just being pushed away, perhaps to protect one of you, perhaps both. Perhaps its a different way of saying she's shit scared and getting re-assurance in a reverse sort of way. It would be nice hearing that you don't want anyone else and I would want whoever I was with to say the same thing.

I can sort of relate.....I think Evie may not feel as worthwhile now that the cancer has returned and most women have this "perceived view" that all men need sex. Perhaps because of this she feels like "less of a woman" right now.

Big hug to both of you. I know you will get through this.

 

[A-RON]

Tardis,

If it were me, I would do everything I could to let her know I'm not leaving her side. I wouldn't look too much into these comments about a prostitute. It really sounds like insecurity and especially loneliness. Maybe your girlfriend just needs a little more attention right now? Have you been able to spend a lot of time with her? Can you devote more time to her? Sorry to hear of your situation.

Aaron

 

[tardis]

I think Evie may not feel as worthwhile now that the cancer has returned and most women have this "perceived view" that all men need sex. Perhaps because of this she feels like "less of a woman" right now.

Shit... you might be right about that one. It never occurred to me until now, but a few days back we had a discussion. She has lost a fair bit of weight due to the chemotherapy, and we were chatting about how most models are really not so attractive, and why would they want to be so thin... really just chatting as we discuss all sorts of subjects, we spend a lot of time talking together. At one point, idiot that I am, I said preferred women with curves! She didn't say anything but I reckon maybe that hurt her... she was slim but curvy when we met. Very thin now. I don't feel any less attracted to her though, I still love her as much but hell, maybe that was the wrong thing to say... :doh:

If it were me, I would do everything I could to let her know I'm not leaving her side. I wouldn't look too much into these comments about a prostitute. It really sounds like insecurity and especially loneliness. Maybe your girlfriend just needs a little more attention right now? Have you been able to spend a lot of time with her? Can you devote more time to her? Sorry to hear of your situation.

Actually I just began a new job lecturing at a university, so I am not spending as much time with her, no. She says she doesn't mind, she rests a good portion of the day, and she has her Mum, Dad and Auntie around also. But I have to wonder now if it isn't getting to her. She's happy about my new position but maybe it is bothering her too...

I think I need to chat with her. Thank you both for the help, much appreciated.

 

[Luthien]

I've been in her shoes...here's my experience.

Well, I have been exactly where she is. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in Oct 2007. I had much the same reaction with my bf, I told him if he wanted to leave that he could, and I would understand. When it became clear he didn't want to leave, and that I wasn't going to able to have sex with him for quite some time, I even told him he could have sex on the side if he wanted, and I wouldn't be angry.

For me, I didn't understand why he would want me if I were ill (possibly dying) and not able to have sex with him. I would have been so hurt if he'd taken me up on it, but I would have rather had that, than him leave me all together because I wasn't able to "put out". It was my way of trying to keep him happy so that he would stay with me, and still love me. Totally warped and messed up way of thinking, I know, but it just didn't make sense to me that he would want to stay with me with the cancer, and not being able to have sex, on top of everything else that is wrong with me (the PTSD and all the issues that go with it, plus other things). It was like "well now I really have nothing to give to the relationship, and he's not going to want me."

I stupidly thought that he was only staying with me for sex.

Well, he pointed out to me, and not very nicely, that he could get sex pretty much anywhere, and anytime, and that if all he was getting out of the relationship was sex, that he would have been gone a long time ago. He was actually totally insulted at what I had been thinking...and told me that what I was implying is that he's a complete asshole, that he doesn't love me, and that he's an idiot on top of it. He said he'd have be stupid to put up with all my shit if he didn't love me, and was only with me for sex, because sex isn't worth what he puts up with...it was quite harsh...but I guess I needed to hear it.

We ended up getting through it, He drilled it in my head that his love for me really is unconditional, and that he'd be there for me no matter what. He supported me through my whole illness, and was such a pillar of strength for me through the whole ordeal. I don't know if I would have recovered without him by my side.

My getting sick was definitely a learning experience for me..because up until that time, it was hidden in the back of my mind that he couldn't possibly love me, and that he must just be with me for sex...I didn't believe I had any worth beyond what was under my skirt, and I guess I had a pretty low opinion in general of men, to believe the things I did.

It is my guess that your girlfriend is afraid, that she's feeling like less than a woman, and that she's having a hard time understanding why you'd want to stay with her, while she is ill, especially if she cannot have sex with you.

The best thing you can do though, is have this discussion with her. Ask her why she would say that to you, and tell her how it makes you feel. it sounds to me like she was pulling the same thing I did, and is trying to protect herself at all costs. This means that somewhere deep down there's a part of her that doesn't trust you, and I think that needs to be addressed.

I also think Nicolette is on to something when she says that she's trying to milk compliments in a round about way as well...when I was saying that stuff to my husband (we're married now, weren't at the time) I was trying to protect myself, yes, but there was also the part of me that just wanted to hear him say "I don't want anyone but you, and I'll be here no matter what"

I definitely needed reassurance. What I got was a swift kick in the butt for ever doubting him...and then, all the reassurance I needed for the next year until I was well again.

No matter what, talk to her about this, because you aren't going to get your answer here. It is a discussion you need to have with your girlfriend.

 

[tardis]

Wow... that's all I can say at the moment. So much of what you said rings true in our relationship, it just about brought a tear to my eye! With your permission I'll save your post and share it with my girl also.

Wish I could reply more now but I have an evening class and need to leave shortly. I am talking to her though, later tonight if I can. I can't thank you enough for all you shared, you've really given me the insight I needed, much appreciated. Oh... and I hope you are well and in remission now. Thanks again.

 

[Luthien]

Tardis,

Please feel free to share this with your girl.

I'm so glad I posted. I was actually worried that I was too candid, and shared too much of myself. I did it in hopes that it would help you, and if I can help her at the same time, I'd be honoured.

I have a silly question (I'm rather new here, and don't know everyone's history)
Is Batgirl your gf? I was just reading a couple of your other posts..and it would be a pretty big coincidence if it isn't her. Her story is actually one that I've followed, though I haven't had any contact with her, as she's been offline since I got into the forum.

I am in remission..Completely cancer free actually as they were able to remove all of it. I have to be very careful to never miss a checkup, and there are things in my life that had to change, but all in all, I was lucky.

I didn't go the route of chemo and radiation as was suggested, but used surgery and Essiac for my treatment. I think I had a pretty easy cancer experience considering what the docs wanted to do to me...which would have been earth shattering...they wanted to do a complete hysterectomy with chemo and radiation...and me only 21 at the time. No way was I having it, and I fought tooth and nail for the treatment I wanted.

I now live in hope that it never comes back.

 

[tardis]

I was actually worried that I was too candid, and shared too much of myself. I did it in hopes that it would help you, and if I can help her at the same time, I'd be honoured.

No worries, it was great. Reading it felt like you were talking about Evie. Really. It was uncanny. And yep, batgirl, Evie, same person, that is my girlfriend. If you don't mind, I will share with her that you read her story. She struggled for a long time with not coming here anymore to help newcomers. I reckon it would be good for her to hear people are still reading her posts.

That is fantastic you are in remission now, fingers and toes crossed it remains that way for you. Evie's situation is kind of complex, her cancer metasticized, it has attacked more than one area of her body and so she has had chemo, radiation and surgery in the past. Though just chemo and surgery this time round, so far. She may have a cord blood transfusion this year also. We're really hoping for the best as she's had a long struggle with it.

 

[Luthien]

If you think it would be good for her, feel free to tell her anything I've said. I am so sorry to hear that she is so unwell, and that it is advanced.

I really have come to feel for her, through reading her posts, and the posts of Her family on here. It was always a joy to read her posts, because so much heart came through in each of them. There is no doubt she's a big part of this forum, and has many people rooting for her. I am rooting for her as well.

She's in my thoughts and send I'll be sending positive vibes her way...

I hope for the best for all of you, you'll all be in my thoughts.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Tardis,

Will you please tell Evie that Grama Herc's heart broken to hear about her health problems.

Give her a big hug and kiss from me and tell her I am praying very hard for her recovery.

She taught me to understand how my daughter felt and thought. She was also a big part of my early discoveries about myself when I first joined the forum. She was a big part of my life for over a year.

Please, love her for me! Encourage her for me! Smile at her for me! Be kind to her for me!

I am praying for Evie and her family.

 

[tardis]

I really have come to feel for her, through reading her posts, and the posts of Her family on here. It was always a joy to read her posts, because so much heart came through in each of them. There is no doubt she's a big part of this forum, and has many people rooting for her. I am rooting for her as well.

Thanks again Luthien, much appreciated. I reckon it will cheer Evie a bit to hear that. She's quite down on herself these days. Putting on a brave show of it for the most part, but I can tell its difficult for her.

Will you please tell Evie that Grama Herc's heart broken to hear about her health problems.

I won't relay those exact words, as she's feeling pretty guilty as it is, she'd start feeling guilty over you too I reckon. Thanks though, I will tell her your thinking off her and the rest of the family.

 

[fin]

Tardis...hey,
I am new also so Evie wont know me...but I have read so much of batgirl through her threads and postings. I wanted to say I think there are a lot of us all hoping and praying for her recovery, and you and the whole family.
Understanding and love tardis, and carry on being there for her as much as you can be.