Ptsd as debilitating

[yes I can]

Yeah we (my wife and I) had that conversation for a long while but she got better and so did I. Or she got better as I did. I have learned how to be a pleasure for her to be around. I can't do it with other people very much but I can do it with her. I was thinking about it today while we were in our (small) kitchen together. We were sort of in each others way but there were no hard feelings, no hard words, no arguments.

I could never have done that a few years ago. She used to tell me the whole thing was "just an excuse."

 

[I need to heal]

Hi Catcar- do you think it is maybe that the cancer gives you something to fight for, you know exactly what & where it is & the treatments available? Yet the PTSD cannot be so defined, it's random & varied attacks that come out of the blue. It doesn't eat away your body, it robs you of heart & steals your mind. It's a soulless disease for what over time it shows that others can't quite see.

 

[anthony]

I can't do it with other people very much but I can do it with her.

I Do like that. I'm similar in some regards, that I am different with my wife compared with others. I can be nice and pleasant, but it has an expiry where at some point it will become too much for me (too much social interaction) and I will snap. It can be days, a week tops usually, then my mood will change.

Which is different to being out and about in public, but without the interaction with all the people around me. I can do that longer, but the same result occurs if I do it consistently for x weeks. At some point I need to retreat, regroup myself, chill out, recover, then I can go it again. It is annoying compared to when I never needed to do these things, but its heaps better now compared to where I was 5 or 10 years ago.

 

[maurybrooks]

no one has 'anything', until they're diagnosed

I feel this is the most demeaning and dehumanizing aspect of science. mrsmegan has symptoms which are totally real reactions to something. Because the quasi foundation of science has not proven something does not make it not real. The key which has to be looked at is what is triggering the reactions which might be diagnosed as PTSD, ... .

got into a fight

Every action can potentially have a reaction. Look at the chain of events which led to this reaction and the reaction pattern in your body and mind. If I get into a fight with my son, brain fog, dyslexia and a domino affect of reactions take place which could be tied back to C-PTSD issues from childhood. On the other hand I can prevent this reaction pattern by navigating my triggers and healing or desensitizing the aspects of me which feed it.

For some people the bodily expression of cancer is part of their reaction pattern.

Life is a challenge and we are all trying to find wellness as best we can as much as we can. I know of no system which has accurately proven one set of symptoms is better or worse than another. If you feel the need to compare I would make a list of all your symptoms and another of your partner's symptoms. Leave off diagnostic terms since we want to look at the nitty gritty real stuff.

In the end I hope you both discover that you each have a glass of challenges. When the glass is half full all can still be good if a new trigger comes along and you deal with it immediately. On the other hand, if your glass is full and a new trigger comes along you will go direct into a overflow response mode, an all out alert.

Learn to intuitively navigate your challenges, discover your subtle response patterns and reduce your reaction patterns. If you both do this you will be lovingly appreciating how well the other is managing their wellness. No argument. Arguments can cause the glass to fill for some people who don't do well with arguments. Have a lovely day. <3

 

[bluepassport]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I am sending you comfort. I know this is hard.

I can also relate. Having cPTSD and all the associated stuff that comes along with it is hard enough for us to understand ourselves, let alone try to defend ourselves for how we feel to others - especially with anyone we have chosen to share and trust with. It's a completely overwhelming feeling having to navigate and negotiate each and every emotion, and try to get through each moment safely, without judgement. You are so right - therapy, work and just looking after the bare minimum is hard, having to care for others on top of it all is all the more difficult. Having to justify ourselves makes the healing process so much harder, and makes each day a struggle.

I am primary caregiver to an elderly mother (who is also a big source of my traumas from childhood) and I encounter this kind of comparison all the time (i.e. you must be dong well - you are able to look after your mother AND somehow make yourself look presentable every day...can't be "that" bad if you are managing every day...at least you aren't in hospital). Yet, I've had to quit my job, isolate myself from most of my circle of friends, family and disconnect from those closest to me. Days go by and I don't even know how I make it through...but I do. We do.

The scope of what we deal with emotionally and often, physically on the inside rarely gets any airtime and so people often misread our ability to be high functioning as somehow "better off" or our situation "less serious" than others. I've also had the cancer comparison thrown at me. I believe it comes from a place of misunderstanding. At the end of the day, trauma is a messy, messy thing to live with. It's rare to find someone who wants to dig deep with us, feel what we feel on a daily basis and walk beside us when we are in pain...after all, let's be real...people want a quick fix that's painless, clean and fast. Healing doesn't work that way.

You are doing the best that you can. Remember that. I find that people (mostly family and friends) have very different expectations of us and what it means to heal and what constitutes recovery. I think a lot of that comes from them genuinely wanting us to get better, but without the discomfort, pain and grieving that comes along with healing. That's sometimes forgotten when people like to compare physical vs. mental illnesses. When I become angry at others for their lack of compassion, or devaluation of what I'm going through, I take a big breath, step away and say nothing until I can get someplace safe on my own to reflect on why it bothers me so much. It may not be the best approach, but it's how I cope at the moment.

If it's possible and you can manage it, even 5 mins away on your own (in a safe place) can be helpful to step away, close your eyes and remember that you are trying your best and that in this moment, you are making it through.

I'm here if you want to chat more...sending you light.