Ptsd, Being Too Functional, Or Not Functional Enough

[Naoru]

I am always functional as well, not 100%, but always enough to fly under anyone's "what's wrong?" radar. I am not sure if it is my perfectionism that drives me in this way, OCD routines, or if I am really not "that bad." T encourages this, regardless of how I truly feel inside ... keep going through the motions while we break everything else down.

It definitely causes some confusion and an internal struggle with accepting my diagnosis ... but then a flashback or what-have-you knocks me on my a** and functioning becomes a monumental task.

I'd have to say though, this is getting harder to maintain the older I get, and I purposely lack certain major stressors in my life. Perhaps if my situation were tweaked some, I would not be able to achieve an "acceptable" level of functionality. And if another major capital T trauma happens again? All bets are off. I'm toast.

 

[EmmaOwl]

The sleeplessness, the physical pain, the Anxiety and restlessness, etc. I'm exhausted from trying to fake it, so I'm not faking quite so much anymore.

That and the other things you mentioned,...
In the US, benefits for psychological problems can be very difficult to get. I say that not to discourage you, but so you know. Sorry you have to go through this process.
If you wanna vent or need encouragement, let me know :)

 

[EmmaOwl]

I too balked at applying for disability. I was an honors college student when suddenly PTSD ran away with me. I had worked several great jobs and was advancing in my career.

I was lucky lucky that Sept 11th was my last year in college I struggled though - and the thing is, I was really successful and... Well, at one job they asked to increase my responsibility because they liked my work... I quit. This was in the couple of years that were really dreadful.

 

[IamFree]

I totally relate I go through a lot of my life feeling like I am putting on a performance. I could not deal with difficult emotions so I would always do what I could to only feel good all the time. my family was very high end of the scale dysfunctional but the evidence I get from the world in what people say to me is that they think I did not come from a paticuarly extraordinary background. This is were the perfectionism kicks in I am trying to maintain this image while knowing inside my life has not been like most peoples and a fear of if anyone knew I will be hated and rejected.

 

[littlestar]

So its been a while since I posted on this forum but Im so glad I found it again. i can relate so much to what everyone here is saying. On the topic of of functioning this has been a difficult one for me. I have aways been somewhere on the boarderline of functioning / non functioning. I can relate to perfectionism, I have prided myself on being super functioning at times which i think has seemed to land me where I am now which is working my way back from non functioning. Which is a really scary place to be. The first time I was diagnosed with ptsd i had my husband around every day to help me on my healing journey. He passed three and a half years ago, and I spent the first three years after he passed trying to prove that i could function, until stress and a retraumatization landed me in a complete meltdown. So now I know what almost complete non functioning looks like. Afraid to leave the house, extreme anxiety, dissociation, loss of knowing where i am at, loss of self, no purpose, suicidal, what feels like some cognitive loss. That part is the scariest. I can relate to people expecting you to function. And at the same time, just going through motions trying to find value in my day to day, wondering if I am still human or a walking trauma thing... And at the same time keeping busy and trying to stay busy and functioning is what I am holding on to, because i am terrified that my functioning will dissappear forever at some point if anything else happens.
Sorry for a bit of a dark post.
I have more to say, but for now this is a great thread.

 

[Ilex]

I am always functional as well, not 100%, but always enough to fly under anyone's "what's wrong?" radar....

So, this is the first time that I have ever posted in a forum. I do not even know where to begin. I was diagnosed with PTSD, but it wasn't due to any abuse or wartime trauma. So, I have felt like I shouldn't post anything, and just basically suck it up and stop whining. Everyone that I let know about it tells me that I have to just "get past it". "Time heals" and since it's been two years I should be past it now. (Scream!)

My fiancé and the love of my life died in front of me. So, my therapist said that some people experience trauma differently. I used to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow now I struggle most nights to fall asleep. If I do fall asleep, I wake up at 3:17/3:47am. So, it was strangely a relief to see that other people have the same type of issues: sleeplessness, migraines (awful), anger issues, highly functioning and then not functioning. It used to take a lot to upset me, now hardly anything at all. I have lost a few friends to say the least. Got accepted into grad school and had to pull out because I would have to run into the bathroom and breakdown and cry in a stall. All those years of science courses and entrance exams and endless clinical hours wasted. Feel like a complete failure.

I have done the opposite of what most normal people would do under these circumstances. I have really gone the other extreme and serial dated a year after he passed away. Not proud of it just facts. I know, way too soon. I miss him terribly. He was my best friend. Everyone I meet doesn't even come close to him. They are never as smart as he was or as sweet. If I hear one more time that I'm young and beautiful and smart and I need to just push through this and "toughen up", I may just explode. I went to his grave everyday in the downpour and the cold wishing that it were me and not him. He was the sweet, nerdy, super smart shy one. He always said that he wouldn't make it without me so he'd have to go first. I was like no! I forbid it. So, I have always believed in God so I won't "do myself in" and never understood why people did, but now I totally get it. I have even researched to see if there was some "loophole" in the bible that would allow me to end it all. Alas, nothing. So, I begged God to let me die every single day. It's been two years of begging and nothing. So, I don't ask him as often now.

Back in school, trying to prep for the MCAT and guess what I learned?! Drumroll please.... apparently PTSD sufferers have problems with short term memory. UGH!!!! What used to take me one or two reads takes me 40! Yes, not kidding. So, now what the heck do I do?.... His mother is a sweetheart. She said that yes I have spent a lot of time woking hard to get to Med school, but I had this horrible thing happen in my life and that it is ok to totally change paths now. (Failure)

I find myself losing friends which makes me sad. I can't seem to stop. I keep dating. Makes me sadder. I just feel empty and have this constant ache. What friends I have left say the type of guy that I would want like him would never have the nerve to ask me out. I like smart nerdy men. I know what you're thinking... I can't replace him, but I can't find anyone close. I don't see myself being alone forever. I'm no martyr. And no I won't go on a dating sites. I never really dated much before now I end things via text. Again, awful I know.

Oh, I have high blood pressure now. Again, what the heck?! Ok, for someone who is extremely private, I just posted something on a public forum to be displayed. This is anonymous.

 

[littlestar]

So, this is the first time that I have ever posted in a forum. I do not even know where to begin. I was diagnosed with PT...

Ilex, I liked your post, I too lost the love of my life and have ptsd. I also struggle with not wanting to live without him. Good luck to you.

 

[Fadeaway]

As someone who crashed and burned hard from functioning too well...awesome thread.

@Friday, can I admit might slight jealousy over how well you are able to express exactly what I want to say? :p Seriously, I could have written that post, only with my signature typos, run-on sentences and other gobbledygook that probably only would make sense to me.

Ilex, changing paths does not make you a failure.Your mother is 100% correct. My husband had to drop out of med school after a near fatal accident that took his arm. By doing so he was able to discover his true passion. Before the accident, he thought being a Dr was the only thing he ever wanted. (Amazingly he doesn't have PTSD) Both of you have horrible events that were out of your control. If you do choose a different path, I want you to know you aren't alone, and we are here to support you all the way no matter what you choose.

 

[katz]

I originally composed this message as a response on a thread called "[URL='Link Removed...

I've done this type of wondering also. I have multiple traumas, yet from the outside, I'm fine. I go to work, pay bills, buy groceries. What looks like a normal everyday life. Yet, inside, I'm a mess. I'm screaming for help, but no one can hear me.

I learned a long time ago, or just noticed, that the better I look, the worse I feel. Funny, huh? Even some people who have gotten to know me have noticed it.

 

[katz]

So, this is the first time that I have ever posted in a forum. I do not even know where to begin. I was diagnosed with PT...

Little star. First, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I know that it can be difficult.

My partner died suddenly also. It was so hard on me that I was admitted to the hospital. I almost missed his funeral service.

One of the first things that caught my attention when I read your entry is to ask you if you have had your thyroid checked lately. I really do understand that emotions can get very out of control, but some times it takes some medicine to balance out. I was on medicine for over 3 years after my husband died. I hope that you're also looking for some other outlets for your tension and tears. Exercise, crafts. Take a class that has no wrong answers. Then your can't fail it - and make some new friends along the way.

I really do understand the "friend" thing also. When he died and I was in the hospital, no one could come see me. When I got out, they had all vanished in the wind. All of them. I have never seen or heard from any of them since then, not even a phone call when I got remarried and invited them all to the wedding.

By all means, if you need to cry, then cry. Remind yourself that it is a normal release of tension from your body. Why don't you write a letter to "him"? Tell him how much you miss him and will always remember him for the love and happiness he gave to you.
I have often sat down and wrote a letter to myself also. Remember to tell yourself how strong you have been to have gotten this far. Remind yourself that you can take as long as you need to mourn him.

(I'm still mourning now, and it has been over 10 years. So, I get some misc. tears sometimes too.)

Tell yourself that you're going to be okay. (( hugs to you ))