Relationship Ptsd Boyfriend Taking A Break - Do I Stay, Leave, Wait, Reach Out... Cry On The Bathroom Floor More?

[Sweetpea76]

I need education and an increased understanding for I want to be a strong supporter - girlfriend, spouse, or friend

Education is key. You are going to have to learn about PTSD, combat PTSD, and your partner's specific PTSD. It's going to take some time. You will have to learn how he handles his stressors, and what happens when he is actually triggered. You may have to get familiar with his different medications, treatments, and therapies. You are going to have to learn different ways to communicate, cope, and manage your own stress and anxiety from being a supporter. He will have times when he is very symptomatic, and times when he is doing well... and it seems like until the past week, all you have seen is him doing well. Experience is part of education. You are going to have to tackle each new symptom or issue as it comes along.

 

[Wastinglight]

We have been dating since mid-September 2014 (roughly 5 months). We see each other 4-8 days out of each month and chat/text daily. He told me "I love you" in December - which he has not said to a woman for 7 years. We have spent time with each others families and made plans to get married this summer

Whoa girl! Slow down there! What's the hurry? 5 months is not enough time to say that you truly know someone, especially when you don't see each other very often. That's a lot of pressure on you both, to be making plans for something as significant as marriage so soon. Texting and chatting daily is not the same as spending time in each other's presence daily. It's way too easy to only show people what you want them to see when you're not face to face.

Fast-forwarding a new relationship is never a good move - especially in a relationship with someone who has PTSD. I think you should ask yourself why you are prepared to make such a huge commitment with a man you don't know that well.

There are any number of reasons why he might have pulled back. He may have overestimated his interest, or he may just need some time to process things, or manage his symptoms. My advice? If he has pulled back, you should do likewise - and concentrate on meeting your own needs until it becomes clearer whether he is actually ready for a relationship. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Wastinglight]

Should have read everyone else's posts first and just said ditto what Sweetpea76 and Solara said!

 

[Wastinglight]

I trusted him, and I still do...

Just one more comment though... remember that trust should be earned. It is appropriate to enter a relationship with a reasonable amount of trust, and then either pull back or increase that level of trust based on their behaviour as the relationship continues.

 

[Friday]

Hey @sweetpea... How's your sufferer at sharing? :: batts eyelashes :: Can I date you, too? :D :D :D

;) Probably joking. Kind of. Maybe.

AKA @YellowFlowers ... Strongly seconded advice from the other side of the fence. SweetPea is spot on. Semper Fidelis.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@FridayJones, don't tempt me when he is being a grump! :cautious:

 

[YellowFlowers]

Hi All. Thank you for holding my hand, feeding me knowledge, and sharing your stories and experiences. Yesterday was 8 days out from "our break", I woke up and texted him a light funny text, and he texted back - we texted lightly throughout the day. I wanted to hear him and ask if he would schedule a time for us to communicate face-to-face, without expectation or pressures SO I asked him, "Can we chat tonight?" He called me last night from work... I said a prayer (have spent a lot of time praying lately) for peace, guidance, and for God's will to be done. Then, I loaded up all my new lessons (from all of you, my experiences, and the references you all provided @Sweetpea76 ), I took a deep breath thought before I spoke and communicated with assertion, confidence, and calmness. I wanted to avoid any talk about "us" and our relationship - as I didn't want to add pressure. We talked for an hour... he had many questions about my life and what I had been up to - he worked to keep the focus off him, and I followed suit and let him have control. In time, we shifted to him, and he opened up more and more.... he had increased his working hours on his already 80 plus work week, had not talked to his family nor friends for almost a month, and he had spent the past two days in Boston supporting vets "that have it tougher than me" - suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempts, appendage loss, TBI, physical deformities, inability to work, etc. He had made an appointment with his psychiatrist for next week - he had not seen her since the fall, and he is completely unmedicated. I then shared that I had researched PTSD and I was surprised how much I did not know - he perked up and inquired about all my resources and asked me to share with him. After catching up and he making me laugh a little, I said, "Would you pick a day on your calendar within the next week or two for you and I to meet up. I would like to walk and talk, hike and chat, hang out with SPCA dogs outside together?" He said without hesitation, "sure." I said, "Good. I would like to share my feelings, seek clarity on some things, see your body language and face, and for you to see my body language and face." He said, "We will work out something soon." I said, "Good, please let me know. I feel that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and each other, let's meet with no pressure, no expectation." He said, "this was a good talk." I agreed. He said sleep tight.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Besides helping me and my peace of mind, the fact that I actually take the time to research PTSD means a lot to my vet. I'll often send him links and swap books with him. We have a stack of PTSD books going in the corner of my bedroom, all highlighted and sticky-tabbed by the both of us. He read the supporter book that I recommended a few posts back, and thought it was pretty good. I also printed out the article with the stress cup thing and gave it to him. He thought it was the clearest explanation he had ever seen.

We plan on being together for the long haul, so this is a part of maintaining our relationship.

 

[Nico]

I agree with everything said here. It is so important in any relationship to take things slow. I know the military mentality moves much faster though and that also attributes to marriages. My guy (we are not together), who I also thought was "the one," also has combat related PTSD and is heavily decorated, etc. Is your guy still serving? If so, you need to really think about what it's like to be with a man in the military. Deployments are absolute hell and that is how my relationship got ruined with my guy. We made it through the 7-month grueling deployment, but after he got back is when everything came tumbling down. I guess reintegration triggered his symptoms (I had never heard him talk to me the way he did the last phone call we had) and I got shoved aside like an old hat. He completely abandoned me and here I was merely trying to understand what he was going through. I thought I was doing everything wrong with what I was saying or that I may have not been supportive enough while he was deployed. I literally beat myself up like crazy over it. It was all I thought about from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I could barely work and thought I was going to get fired at one point.

If your guy is still active marine, then I'd have some serious talks with him. Don't ask him to tell you things he may have seen or done, but you need to know if he'll be deploying, etc. If deploying to a country where there's combat or terror threat, then these guys literally have to face the fact that they could die. Sorry if I'm a Debbie Downer to your thread, but I just noticed nobody mentioned the difficult side of a military relationship. I may not have as much experience as some military wives, but what I went through was enough to share my story. Just take things slow and really think if you are strong enough to be a military spouse. I am super strong, but some things just can't be weathered. I got zero communication aside from his initial freak out, and that's the problem. Your guy at least is speaking up, so that's a positive.

 

[Dizzle]

I am in a long distant relationship with a 37 year old very decorated marine (4 deployments and a...

Hey there! I know this post is super old, but it is almost exactly what my long distance boyfriend and I are going through right now. While we are talking a future, we are not planning marriage for some years, and are moving in together later this summer/early fall. This is the first shut out of his that I have experienced, and my reaction to him wanting space/a break was pretty negative. I was so focused at the time on my feelings, that I didn't even consider that this could have been due to PTSD. I feel a great deal of regret, have apologized more than once, but haven't heard from him in almost 4 days now. We usually talked every day. He was a Paratrooper, did 3 tours in Iraq, and was a police officer for some years after.

I just wanted to know how your situation worked out, if you do by some chance happen to see this.

 

[Mariposa Verde]

@YellowFlowers .. my man "shut me out" twice in our history - first time w...

Hi,
I saw your reply to that old post and it helped a lot. I am wondering if it would be ok for me to contact you to share what I am going thru?

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I saw your reply to that old post and it helped a lot. I am wondering if it would be ok for me to contact you to share what I am going thru?

Certainly - pls feel free to message me if you like! ~WU