Relationship Ptsd Boyfriend Taking A Break - Do I Stay, Leave, Wait, Reach Out... Cry On The Bathroom Floor More?

[YellowFlowers]

I am in a long distant relationship with a 37 year old very decorated marine (4 deployments and a 2-year seemingly ceaseless federal/military court case), who suffers PTSD. We have been dating since mid-September 2014 (roughly 5 months). We see each other 4-8 days out of each month and chat/text daily. He told me "I love you" in December - which he has not said to a woman for 7 years. We have spent time with each others families and made plans to get married this summer and I would move to him. We looked at neighbourhoods and I began job hunting in his area. He told me we were soul mates and the romance and sweetness was thick and amazing! 3-4 weeks ago I noticed a change in his demeanour: he seemed more distant, he called less, he shared that I snapped at him (small things that every woman does once she gets comfortable in her relationship) and he is sensitive, he ruminates on poor American leadership, he buries himself in his work/studies, sleeps a lot, and tears up when I try to talk to him about us - he refuses to talk about us. Last week, he told me he wanted a break because I was too snappy at him and he didn't like the tension - that the snapping (which I do nearly once every visit) makes him "gunshy and pull away from me." He also shared that "just because two people love each other, it doesn't meant they are a fit." I shared that love is not a feeling, we choose to love each other - which means working and communicating. We said a prayer for peace and guidance, and he has not reached out to me since then - 5 days ago.

So - here I am, new to PTSD and 3 states away. I am scared to reach to him via text/phone for he may feel pressure to resolve/talk about our relationship and isolate more. As well, I don't want him to think I have abandoned him. Also, I am struggling mentally myself because my love of my life has abandoned me - I have needs and I don't know whether to work on moving on from him OR working on waiting for him.... I want him to reach to me so I feel worth. He loves me right?

 

[ekane]

"Love of your life" -- it has been 5 months. Tread carefully. Take care of yourself. Let HIM reach out this time. Given the severity of his PTSD issues, as well as clear cut action from him creating a wall (his boundary to go on a 'break' from your relationship), you'd be wise to go take yourself* on a date to the spa or a movie theater and worry less about him.

Don't become codependent. Listen to yourself. You are worried about him feeling abandoned but HE asked for the break! Hold him responsible. You are politely following his boundaries. When he is ready he can reach out to you. Let the man be a man, if he can. And protect your heart. 5 months in, your relationship is on shaky ground. There is hope and you both are clearly trying... But don't get caught being the only one trying hard* enough. He might not have what it takes right now to be in a real, healthy, balanced relationship. I wish you both luck though and maybe things will work out. He has to put in more effort, but that's only if he CAN given his issues.

Side note-- if a man doesn't contact a woman for 14 days that is not a real relationship, he is not really into her and is not ready for anything genuine. Mark your calendar. Unless someone is hospitalized, or overseas with very remote internet access, a man will do what it takes to get the woman he "loves".

 

[YellowFlowers]

Thank you for your candor. It is helpful to hear objectivity. I want and need him to reach to me. He knows I love him and am here as he struggles.
14 Days - why 14?

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@YellowFlowers .. my man "shut me out" twice in our history - first time was HELL .. lasted over 6 months .. we weren't even a couple at that time, just friends, but I knew of his struggles and I was highly vested in his well-being. 2nd time was about 2 months, and was easier to weather cuz (thankfully!) I learned the lesson the first time that the more I chased after him the more I pushed him away. Now, we are down the road nearly 8 years, a full-time couple, and planning to get married. He truly is "the love of my life" but it took us YEARS to get here.

I wish you all the best! Please encourage your heart to wait. If he doesn't know what he's feeling, and you're super confident in what you're feeling, that might feel threatening to him, even if he *didn't* have PTSD. If he's "the love of your life" it is WORTH waiting. I promise. :) And if he turns out not to be, you WILL heal .. :inlove:

If he's already proven his heart to you, trust THAT. Time is nothing in light of that. :)

~S2B

 

[illusionist]

Wow! Five months into a long distance relationship and planning marriage?....that's a lot for anyone to deal with. Is it possible he's rethinking what he's promised?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

WHOA!

Throw on the brakes, NOW!

Five months is not enough time to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone......not even if you lived next door to each other and saw one another 24/7.

Put off the wedding. Why are you in such a rush?

You may think you know this guy, but you don't. Nope, you simply don't.

You see each other 4-8 days out of the month. Is that 4-8 consecutive days? Even so, anyone can fake it for that short amount of time. You can't know if someone is right for you unless you are with them day in and day out for an extended period of time. Its not until you see someone for a much longer period of time that they start to ease up and show you their true selves.

A guy I used to know was in a long distance relationship. He saw his partner the same amount of time that you did, weekends only, for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS! Then they got married. It wasn't until they moved in with each other shortly after the wedding that they realized they were completely incompatible. Seven years later, they are now getting a divorce. (The marriage was never that good.) Oh, and neither of the two had PTSD.

My little sister is a smart girl. She had been with her boyfriend for over 4 years (or maybe it was more like 6?) when they decided to see if they were compatible in the living together thing. They moved in together to test it out. (They didn't tell anyone it was a test, ie a test to see if marriage was indeed a possibility.) Yep, all went well, and a few years later they were married. I know that SO many "relationship experts" say to not live together before the marriage, but I think this is complete bunk. Maybe less people would jump into the sacred bonds if they knew how much the other person's living habits would drive them nuts?

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a learning curve to being a supporter. It seems like a lot of times, there is a honeymoon period in PTSD relationships before the supporter even sees any of their sufferers symptoms. Then all of the sudden you are confronted with a whole lot of confusion. Nobody knows exactly how to be a supporter straight off the bat. You have to learn that typical behaviors for a "normal relationship" just do not work in a relationship when somebody has PTSD. Keeping this in mind, a couple of things stood out to me in your post @YellowFlowers.

he shared that I snapped at him (small things that every woman does once she gets comfortable in her relationship) and he is sensitive,

It may be something that a lot of women do in other relationships, but that dog don't hunt with PTSD. Snapping, nagging, pushing, confronting, pressuring, and arguing just do not work with a sufferer. Minor confrontations can turn into big arguments quickly when your sufferer feels criticized or confronted in a negative way. It's all stress, and stress is not PTSD's friend. You have to find different ways to communicate when something bothers you, and that is a hard habit to learn. Communication is key.

I am struggling mentally myself because my love of my life has abandoned me

Looking at it as abandonment on his part isn't going to help the situation. Isolation is a coping mechanism that many PTSD sufferers use. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him needing some space to process things. He set a boundary and told you he needed space, so that is a positive. If he was really abandoning you, he could have just went off the radar and disappeared.

You have to decide if you can and will put up with the isolation periods that come with a PTSD relationship. A lot of supporters and sufferers have "ground rules" when it comes to isolation, established by setting boundaries with each other. However, it is probably a better idea to wait until he is feeling better to have any kind of discussion about it. Usually they are not feeling very well when they isolate, and adding stress or trying to force contact does not help.

Right now, the best thing you can do is start researching PTSD. This article is great for understanding your partner's stress response, especially the stress cup model. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/. Also a great starter book for supporters is The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How To Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England. I would start with these two things and work forward from there.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

SPOT ON, @Sweetpea76 !!

Lots of ditto's from this corner ..

:hug:

~S2B

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is a good thread to check out too. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/things-to-know-when-dealing-with-ptsd-as-a-carer.5740/

 

[YellowFlowers]

Thank you all for your support, candor, and resources; I needed it for this is my first post and my first relationship with a person suffering PTSD. I am thankful, learning, and trusting.

 

[YellowFlowers]

Wow! Five months into a long distance relationship and planning marriage?....that's a lot for anyone to deal with. Is it possible he's rethinking what he's promised?

@richter scale

Yes - and HE proposed this and showed me his plans for us on spreadsheets, I took a step back and shared I felt overwhelmed, loved him, but it was a lot for me... he said our relationship is unconventional and I will need to trust him to lead us. I trusted him, and I still do...

 

[YellowFlowers]

@Sweetpea76 BIG THANKS TO YOU! The stress cup is incredibly informative and greatly increased my understanding. I need education and an increased understanding for I want to be a strong supporter - girlfriend, spouse, or friend... I will look for the Diane England book as well after work.