Oh Grr...I feel you. My sufferer and his daughter were going to come here for Thanksgiving. I sent him a text yesterday to confirm. he waited 24 hours to get back to me and tell me he wasnt coming. We were planning this for a month and a half. There is now a 14 pound turkey defrosting in my fridge. I'm thinking this might be the fatal blow for this particular friendship. Either that or I need a really long break.
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Ptsd Husband Cancelled Invites To Thanksgiving. Help
- Post starter Trying best
- Start date
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Hi Tryingbest - Here's my $0.02 . . . Everyone has their preferences around how they'd like life to unfold, and sometimes those preferences change. It sounds like an argument ensued and both of you dug in your heels over how the other person should act.
IMO "behaving unreasonably" is a subjective judgment. It's thinking a person should act a certain way - black and white thinking. And, when people don't respond in a way we think they should, well, sometimes things escalate. Remove the judgment and what's left is you want him to participate and he doesn't want to. Please don't assume I condone your husband's demand that you cancel the event; I don't. However, I think I understand his position in not wanting to participate in plans you've made.
Your hubby saying, "My condition is nothing compared to yours and if I (you) don't understand him then I (you) should leave." is an off-the-cuff empty threat with the unconscious hope that you'll oblige to make him happy and comfortable like you usually do.
You'd probably prefer to avoid such silly/senseless dialog. To do so requires you to reconcile your wants/needs, and those of your family/children, with allowing him to feel and act independently. In other words, as Anthony mentioned, don't enable him. It's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy all the time. You may be able to give him those things that help to make him happy and comfortable, but in reality, you can't change his moods or his PTSD symptoms. That's his job. Taking on his job is way too much on your shoulders. Likewise, with trying to see to it that other people are comfortable.
Your hubby is not responsible for your relationship with your mom and you are not responsible for either of their feelings and/or thoughts about each other. With that being said, I don't suggest that you explain your hubby's actions (or lack of them) by telling you mom "he's selfish" - offering my perception or unfavorable opinion (i.e. so-and-so is selfish) is a derogatory statement IMO that doesn't help foster healthy relationships. Let the two of them have their own relationship: if she wants to know why he isn't involved you could just say a form of the truth, "He's feeling under the weather." Doing this removes you from enabling him, keeps your relations "clean" by honoring privacy between you and him, by not putting out negative info, and alleviates triangularization.
The opinion of any particular holiday being important is based one's culture, family upbringing, tradition, etc. The importance placed on a particular holiday is subjective also. I loved Thanksgiving growing up. However, Thanksgiving is the day my mother died - for years after I'd be in a funk for days surrounding the date and could only handle a very small, simple event if any.
My ex's family put a lot of importance on everyone getting together on Thanksgiving at his sister's. I conceded. The sister's husband was usually absent (in their bedroom the whole time). When I asked why she simply stated he wasn't up to joining us. Everyone always stopped in and said "Hi" to him, but went on about the day. No biggie. I learned later he had combat PTSD.
The Thanksgiving tradition at my ex's family was to eat a huge meal, sit around watching the TV, hardly speak to one another, yet throw out sarcasm whenever they had the impulse. Being together on Thx-giving, Xmas and Easter were the only three days of the year when they saw each other (despite living within 20 minutes of each other). :confused: After a while I came up with a tradition for our family - an early brunch, feeding the homeless lunch, then going on a hike together afterwards and/or a movie.
Everyone has the right to change their mind. Unfortunately, PTSD folks sometimes do it a lot. Simply because a PTSD sufferer changes their mind doesn't give them the license to insist that everyone else change their minds or their plans. IMO I think the majority of PTSD sufferers would prefer that supporters go forward with whatever plans they made, and not make a big deal over the fact that they "bailed out" (again). We know we can be real flaky - making it big deal (typically) adds additional stress to the PTSD sufferer's feelings of shame and overflowing bucket of stress and additional tension within relationships.
I'm not saying your Thanksgivings are like my ex's nor should they be like mine. I'm just saying IMO folks should be allowed to participate if they want to, not participate if they don't want to and not to make a big deal about it. I agree with Anthony - have the Thanksgiving you want with your children and your mom and don't worry.
Happy Turkey Day,
Drew
IMO "behaving unreasonably" is a subjective judgment. It's thinking a person should act a certain way - black and white thinking. And, when people don't respond in a way we think they should, well, sometimes things escalate. Remove the judgment and what's left is you want him to participate and he doesn't want to. Please don't assume I condone your husband's demand that you cancel the event; I don't. However, I think I understand his position in not wanting to participate in plans you've made.
Your hubby saying, "My condition is nothing compared to yours and if I (you) don't understand him then I (you) should leave." is an off-the-cuff empty threat with the unconscious hope that you'll oblige to make him happy and comfortable like you usually do.
You'd probably prefer to avoid such silly/senseless dialog. To do so requires you to reconcile your wants/needs, and those of your family/children, with allowing him to feel and act independently. In other words, as Anthony mentioned, don't enable him. It's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy all the time. You may be able to give him those things that help to make him happy and comfortable, but in reality, you can't change his moods or his PTSD symptoms. That's his job. Taking on his job is way too much on your shoulders. Likewise, with trying to see to it that other people are comfortable.
Your hubby is not responsible for your relationship with your mom and you are not responsible for either of their feelings and/or thoughts about each other. With that being said, I don't suggest that you explain your hubby's actions (or lack of them) by telling you mom "he's selfish" - offering my perception or unfavorable opinion (i.e. so-and-so is selfish) is a derogatory statement IMO that doesn't help foster healthy relationships. Let the two of them have their own relationship: if she wants to know why he isn't involved you could just say a form of the truth, "He's feeling under the weather." Doing this removes you from enabling him, keeps your relations "clean" by honoring privacy between you and him, by not putting out negative info, and alleviates triangularization.
The opinion of any particular holiday being important is based one's culture, family upbringing, tradition, etc. The importance placed on a particular holiday is subjective also. I loved Thanksgiving growing up. However, Thanksgiving is the day my mother died - for years after I'd be in a funk for days surrounding the date and could only handle a very small, simple event if any.
My ex's family put a lot of importance on everyone getting together on Thanksgiving at his sister's. I conceded. The sister's husband was usually absent (in their bedroom the whole time). When I asked why she simply stated he wasn't up to joining us. Everyone always stopped in and said "Hi" to him, but went on about the day. No biggie. I learned later he had combat PTSD.
The Thanksgiving tradition at my ex's family was to eat a huge meal, sit around watching the TV, hardly speak to one another, yet throw out sarcasm whenever they had the impulse. Being together on Thx-giving, Xmas and Easter were the only three days of the year when they saw each other (despite living within 20 minutes of each other). :confused: After a while I came up with a tradition for our family - an early brunch, feeding the homeless lunch, then going on a hike together afterwards and/or a movie.
Everyone has the right to change their mind. Unfortunately, PTSD folks sometimes do it a lot. Simply because a PTSD sufferer changes their mind doesn't give them the license to insist that everyone else change their minds or their plans. IMO I think the majority of PTSD sufferers would prefer that supporters go forward with whatever plans they made, and not make a big deal over the fact that they "bailed out" (again). We know we can be real flaky - making it big deal (typically) adds additional stress to the PTSD sufferer's feelings of shame and overflowing bucket of stress and additional tension within relationships.
I'm not saying your Thanksgivings are like my ex's nor should they be like mine. I'm just saying IMO folks should be allowed to participate if they want to, not participate if they don't want to and not to make a big deal about it. I agree with Anthony - have the Thanksgiving you want with your children and your mom and don't worry.
Happy Turkey Day,
Drew
The Albatross
VIP Member
Drew/ Dmerish, you nailed it.
Is he demanding this, though? Because Trying best said:
Him leaving the house while the event is going on with invited guests is not "Cancelled Invites To Thanksgiving". It's that he's not going to be there with the guests you invited, but you are.
I don't think people with PTSD should feel free to cop out of things, but I'm still not clear who expected what, and what was actually agreed.
You're not wrong to ask him to host Thanksgiving. But did he agree to host it, himself? What you say seems to move between you inviting guests and your expectations of him, and those could be two completely different things. He might have agreed to participate, but I'm not clear about that.
This is close to my heart because I'm a sufferer and events like this are a nightmare for me. If the same is true for him, but he agreed to play a major role, then I think there's an issue with him agreeing to things he won't see through. I think that would be fair to raise. If he agreed to you inviting people, but not necessarily to him participating, then that's a bit different.
But I still don't know.
The Albatross
VIP Member
For myself, a suffer, holidays are stressful events. I typically do them with effort. When I don't feel I can make the effort, guess what I don't go. They know I am available when I can be. Better "absent" than an "altercation" in my mind Hashi, I'm not about dashing hopes for the holidays... but I'm also not going to push myself past the breaking point in order to do for others past what I'm able.
My boundary for now, may not be a boundary as I continue to recover. To effectively manage my day to day stress/anxiety/symptons... I do not risk unnecessary damage to my familial relationships. Damage there is not something easily undone. I would not be able to take it back if I acted out or had an episode. I choose not to take that chance. Not this year. Maybe next, we'll see.
Play the ball where it lays. I have to do that every day and holidays are no different, thought the familial expectations are.
My boundary for now, may not be a boundary as I continue to recover. To effectively manage my day to day stress/anxiety/symptons... I do not risk unnecessary damage to my familial relationships. Damage there is not something easily undone. I would not be able to take it back if I acted out or had an episode. I choose not to take that chance. Not this year. Maybe next, we'll see.
Play the ball where it lays. I have to do that every day and holidays are no different, thought the familial expectations are.
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I'll make tea
Silver Member
We don't have thanksgiving where I live and I don't know what it means to Americans.
... but I know what you mean. My Vet likes private celebrations but he HATES going to public places and he has acted like this on numerous occasions. We planned something and in the last minute he came up with an excuse "the weather is not like I want", "The music is going to be bad", "I have got important other things to do" and so on. Sometimes I had already dressed our son when he came up with an excuse why we were not going.
There is a place he avoids like the plague because it is too crowded. One day I thought we were finally going, we drove there. It is 45 minutes of driving.... FIVE minutes before we arrived my guy came up with an excuse why we could not go there!!!
That coming from a guy who likes to brag that his word is his bound. To be fair it typically is... but not when it comes to crowded places.
Sorry, but I really don't have an answer...
I just think that whilst sufferers should do their best to honor the commitment to their families sometimes it might not be possible.
... but I know what you mean. My Vet likes private celebrations but he HATES going to public places and he has acted like this on numerous occasions. We planned something and in the last minute he came up with an excuse "the weather is not like I want", "The music is going to be bad", "I have got important other things to do" and so on. Sometimes I had already dressed our son when he came up with an excuse why we were not going.
There is a place he avoids like the plague because it is too crowded. One day I thought we were finally going, we drove there. It is 45 minutes of driving.... FIVE minutes before we arrived my guy came up with an excuse why we could not go there!!!
That coming from a guy who likes to brag that his word is his bound. To be fair it typically is... but not when it comes to crowded places.
Sorry, but I really don't have an answer...
I just think that whilst sufferers should do their best to honor the commitment to their families sometimes it might not be possible.
I'll make tea
Silver Member
If he does not like to be there would it be possible for you to celebrate it at your homwe but without him?
Hi Hashi - Check the out the title of the thread and the end of the first paragraph of the author's original post. From those two things, I surmised that the author's husband had "demanded" that the event be cancelled. But you're right: I may have interpreted what the author wrote incorrectly. And the author did write "Am I wrong to ask him to host Thanksgiving?" - the exchange is a bit murky . . .
HëllaBubz
Diamond Member
From my perspective, PTSD changes the sufferer's ability to deal with things on a certain day, NOT the supporters.
Expecting your life and happenings to stop because theirs has is bullshit. If he's not up to it, then that's fine, and you can acknowledge that he's not up to it, and you'll attempt to structure the day a little to help him cope, and he's free to head off for a nap or out of the house if he needs.
PTSD is affecting of the supporter's life and plans, but NOT all encompassing of everything they think, say, do and wish to be, and it sounds as though he's pushing his own misery on to you, and allowing his discomfort and symptoms to engulf you both.
Expecting your life and happenings to stop because theirs has is bullshit. If he's not up to it, then that's fine, and you can acknowledge that he's not up to it, and you'll attempt to structure the day a little to help him cope, and he's free to head off for a nap or out of the house if he needs.
PTSD is affecting of the supporter's life and plans, but NOT all encompassing of everything they think, say, do and wish to be, and it sounds as though he's pushing his own misery on to you, and allowing his discomfort and symptoms to engulf you both.
Gosh, I know it is difficult for family when you are living with someone who has PTSD but trying to "keep him happy all the time"? I don't think that is good for either of you. Part of recovery from PTSD is that the sufferer has to have choices - there may be days when he wants to be sad or quiet - there is, in my opinion, no need to stop him from it or feel responsible for it. He may be thinking about the instance that caused the PTSD and there are many professionals out there who think it is good to practise "exposure therapy" but a person with PTSD needs to be ready for it and have the tools to deal with the exposure.
Just because he agreed to having someone over for the holiday, doesn't mean he HAS to stick by it. Goodness, we all can change our minds and we know what our limitations are. I would hate it if I missed one of my "goals" because I changed my mind and a family member was upset about it - it would make me feel even more guilty. It would make me very wary of EVER making someone else aware of what I was trying to do (setting goals) to aid in my recovery.
The house belongs to both of you and your family - maybe let him know that it is important to you to celebrate with family and let him find an alternative thing to do - if he doesn't want to leave the house, let him pay videos games or watch TV elsewhere in the house. He (or anyone) should never be (or feel forced) to participate. Yes, Thanksgiving would be "different this year" but you know, life happens and we need to deal with it in the best way we can.
Best of luck in making your decision together.
Just because he agreed to having someone over for the holiday, doesn't mean he HAS to stick by it. Goodness, we all can change our minds and we know what our limitations are. I would hate it if I missed one of my "goals" because I changed my mind and a family member was upset about it - it would make me feel even more guilty. It would make me very wary of EVER making someone else aware of what I was trying to do (setting goals) to aid in my recovery.
The house belongs to both of you and your family - maybe let him know that it is important to you to celebrate with family and let him find an alternative thing to do - if he doesn't want to leave the house, let him pay videos games or watch TV elsewhere in the house. He (or anyone) should never be (or feel forced) to participate. Yes, Thanksgiving would be "different this year" but you know, life happens and we need to deal with it in the best way we can.
Best of luck in making your decision together.
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