Sufferer Ptsd Nightmares, How Do I Make Them Stop!?

[yaya]

Hi I've never openly talked about this, only a lil bit to my therapist but health insurance is expensive and therapy only lasts so long. Straight up? I grew up in a household where drugs and rock and roll were a constant, along with the physical and emotional abuse I witnessed and dealt with every day. Honestly, I can handle most of what happened in the past, it's the past and my mom was screwed up and I forgave her and blah blah blah. Most days I feel this way. But then I have the nightmares. Most of them are sexual in nature. I turn red thinking about even putting the smallest truth on here about them but truth will set you free right?

I dream of being touched, being forced to touch other people or even nightmares where I'm watching others. I have small glimpses of memories of men in my life as a child 3 and 4yrs old being touched or other things, but they were so vague that I figured they were dreams too. Therapy and a man I don't remember from my childhood confirmed there was indeed inappropriateness. I've had the dreams as long as I can remember and as an adult they become worse and more guilt feeling and waking up feeling anxious and dirty. I can't get it out of my head and I wanna scream for these thoughts to just leave me the f alone!!! I hate the dreams but I hate the feelings that are left behind more and wish I could just get over it like it was any other bad dream but these ones stick. They stick in my head, in my heart, and in my soul and I feel tainted all day, like I'm a little girl all over again.

I was on medication that helps to stop nightmares and it worked well, but then health insurance ran out and guess who's back to figuring things out on her own? I'm just hoping there is someone out there who suffers or has suffered from PTSD nightmares and figured out a way without medications. Help, please.

 

[EverOnly358]

I'm new, and I'm not sure my advice is any good... so take it with a grain of salt, okay? But... I think the nightmares are your brain's way of saying... "look, this is a problem, we need to face this shit and resolve it." Easier said than done, though, right?? There was just another thread the other day about nightmares... I'll find it and put the title here in a minute.

But that being said... you're not alone. I was raped by my stepfather at age 12. And it still doesn't feel real. I can remember the before and the after and not much else. Sometimes I feel this is resolved for me because I know it happened, and I understand the aftermath, and I don't have a ton of emotions about it... but I don't know if it's because I've resolved this trauma or completely numb about it all or what? It's very confusing.

I feel you about stupid, stupid healthcare. Don't get me started. Therapy is really important and you should get as much as possible... but I do know there are limits and such. I think looking around on this site is very helpful. When I came to this site, I had just about had it with therapy... it was traumatizing for me to go to doctors, and so it was only having a negative impact on my life. That being said... the brain is a very tricky place and better not to navigate it alone. Try to advocate for yourself with the healthcare people... sometimes it can work. Do what you can do there.

There is something to the statement "the truth will set you free." I am really struggling with my trauma diary. For weeks, all I had was "Yikes!" Now I'm just trying to create a timeline to at least put things in perspective. I have a lot of trouble reading other people's trauma diaries on this site... just so much pain, so unfair. But, I think it's important to air these things to people who can care, people who can tell you it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't deserve what happened to you. So... think about that, but don't force yourself, either.

Finally, I am so sorry for what you had to go through. It was not fair and not right and you didn't deserve any of it. You were just a little girl. It's not fair that you feel anxious and dirty and you can't get this stuff out of your head. Unfortunately, the way to get it out of your head (I think, again... I'm new, this is tricky stuff), is to face it (as much as you can), process it, accept it and let your brain resolve it, so you can actually put it behind you. And when you figure out how to do all that, tell me, please, because I would really love to know how as well!

Hang in there,
D

 

[EverOnly358]

Sorry, it took me a few minutes...

Sleep Screaming
Discussion in 'Sleep & Nightmares' started by Jyar, Sep 2, 2013

Search for Sleep Screaming, and the first note should be by a user name Jyar, click that.

 

[amethist]

This will help you find the thread about sleep screaming easier.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/sleep-screaming.36596/

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I think D123 is right on every point made. Maybe you're at a point where you are healthy enough for you brain to actively work on that horrible time. When I've gone thru trauma it has taken a long while for my brain to heal enough to process things and remember details.

 

[Seasounds]

As I pushed aside many abusive situations, once I opened to the truth, my experiences revealed themselves in different layers. Each level of experience/nightmare, had a different solution, that broke the cycle of nightmares, that changed the stuck mind/body/emotional pattern.

It took some experimenting to find out, what would eventually shift the pattern. Be patient. Sometimes the process can take a year or two; but it is worth it. Keep exploring freedom, appreciating the small steps, until the breakthrough occurs.I can describe what worked for me.

There is loosely a kind of a formula. Ask, open mindedly, almost wondering-to invite your intuition to work with your intellect, with an open-ended time frame sense , "Where is my limitation in this dream?," or "What power would I need to resolve the nightmare conflict?," or "What is taken away from me," or "What is the message of this dream?"

Everyone's situation is different, and some traumas have similarities. So play with options, and experiment within your comfort zone. What was comfortable for me now, compared to then, is very different. Being able to find comfort with a new behavior, like setting boundaries, needs the right kind of support, so you can move through the trauma, and find a new freedom, instead of being re-traumatized.

Here is what worked for me:
1.Nightmare: seeing a man's face, I couldn't recognize. Solution, asking myself to recognize the face, and then, after I knew, going to an abuse survivors group and sharing that the abuse that I hoped was fiction, was not.
2. Nightmare: not being able to scream or breath. Solution: two years of Linklater technique voice/body expression classes, progressive relaxation class, and finding a therapist who taught me to express grief and anger in therapy- which did not hurt myself or others.
3. Nightmare:being held at gunpoint. Solution: taking a handgun safety class.
4. Nightmare: men entering my house while I am naked. Solution: taking Model Mugging-worth every penny!!

Hope this helps. There is a way, you will create the freedom!

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

 

[yaya]

Thank you guys so much for the welcome support. I get embarrassed talking about this with anyone, especially my therapists because I figured they'd make we want to face it and remember but the three I talked to did not. The first told me I needed more help than he could give me and sent me on my way to find better help, which I did, three years later. Then was fabulous Dr two, who said it didn't need to be rehashed because I'm in a moving forward mode, and Dr three gave me the nightmare stopping medication. The only one who asked for any detail was Dr two because she was trying to get to the bottom of my self hatred but she left it at that. I don't even know what it means to "face it". I wasn't even sure it was real until I told my first Dr of the nightmares I've had for as long as I can remember and he informed me children that young can't dream of those kinds of things and then a man who baby sat me and my step sister (at the time) came forward and said he did things to both of us, I still don't remember him at all. So ok, then I was in a bit of denial and just left it alone. Then I ended up in inpatient treatment where I was watched 24/7 and I had to admit that this nightmare did happen to me. I was on medications and whatnot and saw Dr number three until I lost my health insurance.

I know I can't get appropriate help from the counselors at the low income clinic here because that's where I started in the first place. And I have fear of "facing it". What does that mean? And figuring out my nightmares? I'm pretty sure I know why I'm having the Nightmares. I've been in a solid relationship with my husband for eight years and he's the only person I've ever actually loved or allowed close enough to give him any kind of emotional power over me. The longer we are together the more I find it unbelievable he still wants me and hasn't shattered my soul. And we have a four year old daughter who I love and I know he loves and would never even think to feel that way (she's also the youngest of five kids, one boy) he's been around my oldest daughter since she was two but I was like a hawk you know until she got older, he's got two daughters and they adore him and we've been together since they were two and three. But the youngest is still that age and I trust my husband and that terrifies me. I don't know if any of this is making sense but I'm pretty sure this is why the Nightmares have gotten so bad again, now what's the next step?

D123- thanks for the advise and the feeling that I'm not the only one who's memories are confused. Like I said before, I'm not open about this so I don't know anyone to talk to. My husband knows all of this, including the nightmares (I've even started telling him what they are about) and he's very understanding but I carry this huge guilt that I can never trust him completely, even if it is subconsciously, and know that he doesn't truly understand because when I wake up crying he thinks that I'm just getting worked up over a bad dream and allowing it to effect my mood. So thanks for the understanding and the link I'm going to check out after I'm done here. And if you figure this out before me, let me know.

 

[Seasounds]

Sorry you got bumped around. As it was painful, the providers didn't have 'the right stuff'. From what you've written, you are tending to yourself, in remarkable ways.

I'm wondering, if there ways to relieve your suffering and get professional help? I have traded cleaning offices for therapy, I've negotiated lower prices. Some therapists do make space for a 'pro bono' session, weekly, in their schedule. They leave it up to you, to ask about these things. Does Obama Care offer options?

And I mean the right kind of professional help: therapists who will believe you, and assist you, to process your experiences and find peace. Therapists can be conflicted about believing memories; find one who isn't. And find one who isn't overwhelmed with your 'material'.

What matters most is that therapists are willing to be with YOUR interpretations of those experiences-even if they seem like confused memories, and be with your emotions. That is respectful treatment. A 'therapeutic holding space' supports your process. It really helps open doors if you can believe that you can find help.

There may be a type of twelve-step sexual incest survivor group in your area. Search the internet. They are free.Talking about things is helpful. Most people, like you, start by trying to sort out what is, and isn't, true. Keep it up! You're right, it takes time to gain confidence and find the right place.

I'm glad you have your husband and family. I understand your concerns, for sure. There are times when, in sorting out sexual abuse, that negotiating a time of sexual rest, with a partner is helpful, since sexual activity can stir things up.

Take the steps that make sense to you. After all, it is your body and your life. Glad to know your story!

 

[yaya]

Thank you Change, I will research around my area and see if something like that is an option. I don't qualify for state help such as Medicaid and I have three children so finding time and options is difficult. Dr 2 also says I'm very intuitive about myself and others around me and she's impressed how I can mostly accept things as they are and realize that most of what I've lived has made me the person I am today, and my mom had her own reasons for living the life she did, and I strive to be a good mom and a good wife. And most days I feel that. But some days, espeacially after nightmares or sometimes a fight with my mom will trigger these episodes where I don't feel right and I can't stop being pissed at my mom for all the things that happened and the crap I have to deal with now because of it. I mean, my kids suffer right along with me. They know I'm not right, just like I knew my mom wasn't but I don't do this on purpose. Even friends who happen to be around on my "bad days", even though most don't know the nitty gritty of my youngest life, seem to give off this impression like, why does she wallow in it? Haha though, I'm not wallowing, I'm drowning.

I think maybe you can understand that. You are very helpful and I appreciate it. Sorry I talk too much. It happens once the flood gates are open lol.

Quick question- where would you suggest I start looking for a decent therapist who can help with no insurance?

 

[EverOnly358]

"I'm not wallowing. I'm drowning." - Yeah, been there. I'm a Mom, too, and I worry a lot about being a good Mom. We all do the best we can. You are not talking too much. Talking here is good. There are a lot of understanding people here. Hang in there.

 

[arfie]

Hi, yaya. Your background sounds similar to mine. My parents loved pre rock-and-roll music, but I am not sure the style of the music is an important detail.

I went through decades of horrific nightmares and psychosis levels of insomnia. These days I am pretty convinced my nightmares are repressed memories getting more perverse with every suppression. My personal healing began when I was able to stop fighting the memories. Nothing easy in the do of that say, but I don't have so many nightmares these days. When I do, I can process them far more efficiently. Still takes a conscious effort on my part.

I am even newer to this community than you are. Perhaps I will see you around?