Ptsd sufferer + autism spectrum / aspergers partner

[EveHarrington]

I write this with much anxiety as I fear getting negative backlash or offending people. I hope neither happens as I write this from a position of wanting to open up honest dialogue with no malice whatsoever.

(Sorry this may be long!)

I've had an on/off relationship with a guy who is on the spectrum. I have known him for the better part of a decade. Yes, we have been intimate over the years (starting at about a year in), but there is no official spoken commitment between us. I fluctuate between thinking this is incredibly unhealthy and thinking it's incredibly healthy...for me. He is the only person I have ever known on an intimate level who has been able to set boundaries and take an emotional step back when things in my life go to hell, symptom wise. And yet, he doesn't ever walk away for good. Sometimes my mind reels and I think something is wrong with him for not walking away!

I could go on and on....but I'm to the point where I'm recognizing that perhaps there is something in him being on the spectrum that meshes well with me having PTSD?

I hope I'm not offending anyone. I know the saying, that if you know one person on the spectrum, you know ONE person on the spectrum. And while I agree with this, I also know that there are threads of commonality. Well, because if there weren't, you wouldn't even be able to label it as a disorder or condition or say NT vs non-NT.

I've done research elsewhere online. It's hard to find constructive conversations anywhere. I've mostly found women of spectrum partners who rage about how the disorder has affected their relationship (rather they rage about their guy in a horrible sort of way), and they say to run from a guy who has the disorder. This hasn't been helpful to me at all. Even more benign discussions do little to open up the doors of understanding.

And while I will never be able to understand what it's like for him, I also know that just throwing up my arms and not trying to learn more wouldn't be good, either. (He's actually told me that I will never understand him. I respect that.)

I refuse to listen to the naysayers who tell me to run away. That seems very cruel to me. And selfish. I have grown so much by knowing him.

I've read about the connection between a PTSD person and a spectrum partner. I actually have a friend in this kind of relationship. She's said it works well in part because of that dynamic. They've been together for 11 years now.

I'm looking to hear from others with PTSD who have or have had a partner on the spectrum. Or even from those on the spectrum themselves.

I'm in no way trying to stereotype or pigeon hole or paint all with the same brush. I just want to connect with others in similar kinds of relationships.

:)

 

[Lily D.]

I write this with much anxiety as I fear getting negative backlash or offending people. I hope ne...

Hi Eve,
I have had two boyfriends in the past who were on the spectrum too. So I can definitely relate!

I found that the guys I dated were very low drama and very clear and direct about what they expected of me and how they felt about me. I didn't have to second guess their intentions because they just said it as they saw it. Likewise, they weren't overly emotional themselves which, for better or worse, gave me the space to be emotional. Sometimes they didn't understand my emotions, or swing of emotions, but once explained to them and once I told them the diagnosis, it was easier for them to understand. On the other hand I did miss some empathy in both relationships but that could be separate from them being on the spectrum.

One of my best friends has been diagnosed with aspergers and she's responded in much the same way.

Of course those are just based off my own experiences and I'm not trying to say ALL people on the spectrum will be like this, everybody's different, but my experiences were more or less pretty similar in that I found my partner / friend to be stable, calm and clear about their thoughts and feelings.

I would say that if you feel good in your relationship, it's a good thing, right? Do you feel like you're at a place where you would like the label? Is that something you can realistically ask of your partner?

 

[Teamwork]

I'm a parent of a 21 year old on the spectrum. I didn't find anything you said to be worthy of concern about saying it wrong. It was respectful of the person first while at the same time explain the unique characteristics of a person on the spectrum. That being said, in a mother daughter relationship being on the spectrum with a ptsd mom isn't always a good mix. She does say it like she sees it with no filters as she has none, and sometimes my job is to tell her how to say it differently so that socially she doesn't hurt the other person, namely me. Where it works well is that we look pretty similar for different reasons. I'm an isolator and often shut down or lost and she is often shut in and lost in what she is doing. We have different reasons for this but it means we live in the same house and often don't even know the other is around! The other place where it is a strength is that she has fears and anxiety as do I but they come from different places. She does not see the intention of a bug as being harmless and triggers for me are not seen as harmless so we both understand each other's anxiety but not so much the why. She is also very attuned, sometimes to the wrong things, but then the same can be said of my hyper vigilance. There is a long list of similarities between us, the key is that what caused the similarity in our brains dealing with life is remarkably different and the strategies are different as well.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Eve,

My ex-husband is on the spectrum (and so is our 12 year old son). Unfortunately, our relationship did NOT work. I was doing all the giving, taking all the responsibility and he was doing what he wanted when he wanted. He also could not have meaningful conversations or express love in the ways I needed him to. I felt very emotionally abandoned (which I had been my whole life). He would tell me he loved me, but that he chose to love me (I can only guess that means he chose to do loving acts??). I don't know that he ever felt anything for me, ever. I always attributed it to the Asperger's (from the time I found out about it). But in reality, I think it was more that he just never loved me. I found his incessant chatter draining and his inability to understand another perspective insanely frustrating. And no real communication. Just chatter.

Do I think these types of relationships can work? Yes. Having someone who thinks about things very logically and understands the push and pull tendencies of a PTSD person is a really good thing. At the same time, I think it can be a very bad thing because some people with Asperger's have trouble with empathy or other social skills that may leave a sufferer more alone in the end.
I am not saying any of this as a rule. Of course it depends on the person. My ex had no empathy whatsoever. My son (who has full-blown autism) is hypersensitive in all ways (sight, smell, taste, touch and especially hearing), and I believe he is hyperempathetic too. He can't cope when others are in pain.

Anyways, I really hope this works for you. If you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours and the relationship seems to work well, then keep going! Enjoy it! :)

 

[Teamwork]

Lady moonlight you have described my life quite well, as if you have lived it or still are. My ex was not diagnosed but I would say totally n the spectrum and quite similar to what you described. He still is all about him

 

[EveHarrington]

I feel like a TOTAL liar!

I mean why did I even write this post?

I mean we're not in a relationship and we're not together, so I probably sound like one of those über clingy psycho females who assumes they're in a relationship or that something "special" (ugh I hate that word!) is going on when it is actually nothing at all.

...nothing at all...

This is why I don't do relationships. Like EVER! I used to be sad that guys just don't like me. Now I realize that it's a blessing in disguise as I can't even mentally handle a NON-relationship.

This is why I don't fear death. Nothing in hell could be worse than the inability to be close to people and have these major breakdown episodes when people get close to me. Anymore I'm convinced that I was an ass in a past life and this is my reincarnation hell. This is why I'm resistant to therapy because no therapist could ever fix the hell that closeness brings, yet being alone is almost just as bad. Either/or, not a life I want to live!

Don't worry I'm not going to do anything.

Yeah I just totally took my own thread off topic.

Sorry.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Oh Eve, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you posted. Even if you have an arrangement with a guy that works for both of you, without even calling it a relationship, your post is appropriate. When I was going through some of my worst moments (and was single), I had a friend with benefits. It was wonderful because there was no commitment or need to be around or date. Yet the benefits were there which kept me from tramping around. I liked the arrangement for exactly what it was. It provided what I needed. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. He had jealousy issues and trust issues and was unhappy. So we stopped it.

 

[Lily D.]

I feel like a TOTAL liar!

I mean why did I even write this post?

I mean we're not in a relatio...

Hi Eve,

I'm sorry you feel like this. It's not easy being in any kind of relationship when you've got do much on your plate, I know. For what it's worth, I think your post and your feelings are totally valid. Even when you don't have a relationship in the "traditional" sense of the word, it seems like this man is an important factor in your life and you obviously do have some kind of understanding with eachother. There's nothing "psycho clingy" about wanting a loving, empathy filled relationship at all and I think all of us, PTSD or no, deserve someone who, if they can't understand, at least show kindness and empathy for your situation!