As I posted in my intro, I experienced both physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my father. The first incidence of abuse that I remember was also the one that left the worst (physical) scars: my dad smashed my face into the bumper of his car, causing extensive damage to my teeth and face. I underwent numerous oral surgeries and dental procedures to be able to eat and talk normally, but my adult teeth came in drastically discolored and misshapen. At the hospital the night it happened, he lied about my injuries – said I slipped on the ice, which was a believable story since it was winter. After that he was much more careful with the bruises.
I’ll skim over the rest of the abuse. Unfortunately, I’m sure many folks here can relate to the pain of sexual abuse, and will understand that while those scars aren’t physical, they are very real. To make the long and sad part of the story short, my father is no longer in my life. He and my mom disowned me and it was, weirdly, the best thing they could have done for me. I’m free from them and their influence.
PTSD put my life on hold for solid year after being disowned, but I slowly started to feel better after therapy, finding the right meds, and taking up running. I’ve been in a healthy relationship for four years, and now I’m engaged. My fiancé happens to be a therapist, so he understands PTSD about as well as anyone whose never experienced it first hand – his father is a psychologist, and he has become something of a father figure to me. Really, his whole family has been a huge blessing in my life. They’ve welcomed me with open arms and they’ve never judged me for my past.
This brings me to my current situation: My future brother in law is a dentist, and with my wedding approaching he graciously offered to fix my front teeth for me by giving me veneers (something I could never afford on my own). I saw this as an opportunity to finally rid myself of the worst physical scars of my abuse, and, on a superficial level, to give myself a smile I can be proud of. For those unfamiliar with veneers, they are essentially covers placed on the surface of damaged teeth to make them look like normal, healthy teeth. Its done in two visits.
I went in for the first part of the procedure earlier this week. On top of PTSD, I have a dental phobia from those early dental procedures. I hate feeling that I’m not in control, and I hate being subjected to physical pain. My BIL gave me valium and laughing gas to ease my anxiety, but I was still incredibly nervous as he began working on my teeth. My memories are a little fuzzy but I remember freezing up, shaking, and having flashbacks of the moment my dad broke my teeth.
I’m pretty sure I told my BIL and his assistant the details of what happened and I’m humiliated. I remember apologizing numerous times and him saying, “you don’t have to say you’re sorry here.” I remember getting really sappy toward the end and thanking him profusely for fixing my teeth and telling him how hard it had been to look in the mirror and see the reminder of what happened for so many years. But I don’t remember much else.
I slept for most of the day and woke up feeling utterly depressed and ashamed. My teeth, with temporary veneers, looked great. For the first time I saw them without the scars left by my dad. I was both overjoyed and overwhelmed. I didn’t recognize myself. Those scars had been there in the mirror every day since my adult teeth came in, and now I have normal, undamaged looking teeth. As twisted as it sounds, I felt like I lost my last connection to my dad. Even though he abused me and even though I haven’t spoken to him in years, I still love him.
I’m also overcome with shame at how vulnerable I felt during the procedure. I’m embarrassed for sharing so much with my brother-in-law. I didn’t intend to tell him (or his assistant) all of those details. Sharing my past is incredibly hard for me and the only person who really knows about the extent of my abuse is my fiancé. I worry that my BIL will look at my differently now, that he’ll either feel sorry for me or judge me – neither of which I want.
The physical pain was also a bit of a trigger. Feeling that pain in that part of my mouth brought back memories of the abuse – all of the abuse. After four years of feeling happy and okay, all of the pain, depression, and memories just came flooding back. I remained in bed for two days, crying most of the time. All the pain of the past and anxiety of the present mixing together in a really confusing and horrible way.
Yesterday I talked to my therapist for the first time in over two years. It did help, but I still feel scared.
Has anyone here had an experience like this? You’re “fine” for months, years even, and then BAM. PTSD rears its head once again. Does it affect your relationships? Does it make it hard to share things with others? When you do share things with others, do you feel guilty, even though deep down you know you have nothing to feel guilty about?
Again, thank you for listening, and for any advice.
I’ll skim over the rest of the abuse. Unfortunately, I’m sure many folks here can relate to the pain of sexual abuse, and will understand that while those scars aren’t physical, they are very real. To make the long and sad part of the story short, my father is no longer in my life. He and my mom disowned me and it was, weirdly, the best thing they could have done for me. I’m free from them and their influence.
PTSD put my life on hold for solid year after being disowned, but I slowly started to feel better after therapy, finding the right meds, and taking up running. I’ve been in a healthy relationship for four years, and now I’m engaged. My fiancé happens to be a therapist, so he understands PTSD about as well as anyone whose never experienced it first hand – his father is a psychologist, and he has become something of a father figure to me. Really, his whole family has been a huge blessing in my life. They’ve welcomed me with open arms and they’ve never judged me for my past.
This brings me to my current situation: My future brother in law is a dentist, and with my wedding approaching he graciously offered to fix my front teeth for me by giving me veneers (something I could never afford on my own). I saw this as an opportunity to finally rid myself of the worst physical scars of my abuse, and, on a superficial level, to give myself a smile I can be proud of. For those unfamiliar with veneers, they are essentially covers placed on the surface of damaged teeth to make them look like normal, healthy teeth. Its done in two visits.
I went in for the first part of the procedure earlier this week. On top of PTSD, I have a dental phobia from those early dental procedures. I hate feeling that I’m not in control, and I hate being subjected to physical pain. My BIL gave me valium and laughing gas to ease my anxiety, but I was still incredibly nervous as he began working on my teeth. My memories are a little fuzzy but I remember freezing up, shaking, and having flashbacks of the moment my dad broke my teeth.
I’m pretty sure I told my BIL and his assistant the details of what happened and I’m humiliated. I remember apologizing numerous times and him saying, “you don’t have to say you’re sorry here.” I remember getting really sappy toward the end and thanking him profusely for fixing my teeth and telling him how hard it had been to look in the mirror and see the reminder of what happened for so many years. But I don’t remember much else.
I slept for most of the day and woke up feeling utterly depressed and ashamed. My teeth, with temporary veneers, looked great. For the first time I saw them without the scars left by my dad. I was both overjoyed and overwhelmed. I didn’t recognize myself. Those scars had been there in the mirror every day since my adult teeth came in, and now I have normal, undamaged looking teeth. As twisted as it sounds, I felt like I lost my last connection to my dad. Even though he abused me and even though I haven’t spoken to him in years, I still love him.
I’m also overcome with shame at how vulnerable I felt during the procedure. I’m embarrassed for sharing so much with my brother-in-law. I didn’t intend to tell him (or his assistant) all of those details. Sharing my past is incredibly hard for me and the only person who really knows about the extent of my abuse is my fiancé. I worry that my BIL will look at my differently now, that he’ll either feel sorry for me or judge me – neither of which I want.
The physical pain was also a bit of a trigger. Feeling that pain in that part of my mouth brought back memories of the abuse – all of the abuse. After four years of feeling happy and okay, all of the pain, depression, and memories just came flooding back. I remained in bed for two days, crying most of the time. All the pain of the past and anxiety of the present mixing together in a really confusing and horrible way.
Yesterday I talked to my therapist for the first time in over two years. It did help, but I still feel scared.
Has anyone here had an experience like this? You’re “fine” for months, years even, and then BAM. PTSD rears its head once again. Does it affect your relationships? Does it make it hard to share things with others? When you do share things with others, do you feel guilty, even though deep down you know you have nothing to feel guilty about?
Again, thank you for listening, and for any advice.
