Ptsd Turned Me Anxious And Irrational... Now I Know, Now What?

[Greenwaterbaby]

Hi Folks

Well, I'm kinda new to this - am currently undergoing EMDT for delayed onset rape-related PTSD. I only realised this was the problem when I went into anger therapy for having strange outbursts at my partner. We went a little deeper, and low and behold, the attack that happened 18 years ago when i was 19, which I thought hadn't really affected me as i'd moved away immediately after and 'put it al behind me' (ie never told a living soul), is all coming out now. (To the point where I am being investigated for rectal cancer due to the physical pain, and have been have death dreams for months...)

The thing is this - the last 12 months, since my first ever real 'trigger' (a stranger groped me), I've been completely irrational with my boyfriend. Getting upset when he goes out with his friends (I was left alone when the orginal attack happened so my bf could go out with his friends), being scared of crowded places, flashbacks of intense physical pain but not knowing where they are coming from, assuming my boyrfriend will leave me if I tell him about the incident, constant feelings that something bad will happen, unexplained emotional outbursts, over-reacting tot he stupidest things, basically to the point where (he has anxiety disorder on and off too) we were both wound up til he felt he was losing it. And left me.

Then I start therapy and it all comes out and bam - delayed onset PTSD, thank you very much.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has had a relationship fall apart because they didn't know what was going on - and more importantly, did they manage to save it? I will say that knowing more about what has been happening, and I why I have felt like a teenager again for the last year, has reduced the anxiety a hundred fold, but I'd like to think I might get some semblane of the 'old' (or suppressed!) me back. I don't know if there's nay hope for my relationship: we're both too confused right now, and there is maybe too mch to forgive.

Is there hope that thinggs will get better and I won't always do this though? Does acknowledgement help in the slightest or will it still happen??

 

[franciemarnie]

I never had a relationship fall apart because I avoided them at all costs due to my unpredictable moods.

But things get better for sure. The more you learn about PTSD and how it effects you, the better.

Hopefully your therapist specializes in trauma and can help with your specific characteristics. I use mindful meditation and body scans to keep track of my inner state. I am happily married now but if I feel myself getting short tempered, I will announce I am in that mode and need time out so I can regroup and do what I need to do to find greater equilibrium. Then an angry outburst doesn't take me by surprise so much.

Glad to meet you!

 

[LizardViolet]

In therapy, you should learn coping strategies for when you're in a rough spot. And if the therapy you're doing is EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and you've got a good, experienced therapist who also helps with somatic stuff, then yes, it is possible to get to something very much like normal.

It may be a good idea to concentrate on your healing and reach a good place before you reach out to your ex.

 

[Greenwaterbaby]

Um, well, LizardViolet, I told him on sunday what was going on. Felt I had to, and my therapist agreed, he's been in knots and depression about the craziness of our relationship the last few months too. Kind of owed him an explanation. At first he was loving and undestanding and wanted to stand by me, but 3 days on and now he's undestandably feeling all sors of anger and sadness and confusion himself; about us, about the rape, about why I didn't tell him etc etc. So to add to my current anxiety and hyper-alertness about anything and everything, I have guilt and shame of hurting someone so bad because of my own blindness. *Sigh*

But aside from that, its good to hear people do get through this and get back to a semblance of 'normal'. Its so weird, I've been 'normal' the last 18 years, no interpersonal problems, no thinking about it, thought I was one of the 'lucky ones' not to be seriously affected, until a random grey-haired man groped me whilst I was drunk - suddenly i'm hit with a rush of months of anxiety, physical pain, flashbacks, death dreams and unexaplainable, sudden bursts of random anger. And I kept attributing it to stress or the pill or IBS or liteally anything other than what it really was.

Denial is a very strong survival technique it seems...

 

[saffy]

Is there anyway you can take him to a session with you Greenwaterbaby as I feel you both need to address this so you can move on.

The anxiety of telling him has gone now and been replaced by another one. As a couple it will help you to both be able to discuss this further.

And you have been very brave to disclose this too him and yes he will react like this at first, it is a lot to take in. and he will go through stages of grief anger etc etc.

No that it is out in the open you can both move forward.

I hope things get sorted for you both as I feel you have both been through so much so far. But come so far too :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)