Jacqueline Nicole
New Here
First of all, it is absolutely astonishing to see the amount of men and women out here going through this. Up until recently I didn't realize how serious PTSD was, and the impact it made on families. I never really thought twice about it. I am so happy to have found this forum, as now I understand and am going through a very difficult situation with my Marine. Sorry that this is long but I feel like I need to give a back story!
Just as some back information.. he's one of the quietest people I know. He's not very good with expressing his emotions.. where I on the other hand am a little more open about things (what woman isn't?). I'm not going to say he's terrible, but he struggles with his emotions a lot. He tells me that it's part of how the military trained him.. to just deal with things as they come at you and don't think too much about it. Because of this he's developed this non chalant attitude about everything. Me, his family, friends.. he can shut his emotions off in the blink of an eye. He'd expressed that he felt like something was wrong with him, because things that should bother him, don't phase him. He doesn't have the best relationship with his mom.. and as many times as he's told himself to try and fix it, he just finds himself not caring to put in the effort. He wants to, but he just can't come to grip with the desire to actually do so. He hasn't had his dad since he was 13 due to some very unfortunate circumstances that I'd rather not get into, but he told me he thinks about it every day. He misses his dad and I know this has a lot to do with the way he is.. trust issues and anger issues. Because of what happened to his dad he thinks that's why he is so distant from his family, and why he just can't 'connect' with them.. why he's so angry at them.. even though the situation was beyond all of their control as far as the story that I know goes. He's opened up to me more than he's ever opened up to any of his other friends, something I appreciated more than anything.. that he had that type of trust in me. Him & I were the true definition of best friends turning into lovers!
We got together in July 2010 after he got back from his 1st deployment, and I noticed he was very jumpy (even in his sleep), less patient, more angry, and he said even he had noticed a difference. I knew he had ran over an IED and gotten a concussion (amongst other things) so I knew that obviously had something to do with it. I didn't really think twice about it though because he didn't complain any more than usual. In November 2010 he found out he was deploying back to Afghanistan in July 2011, and broke up with me because he couldn't handle the relationship etc etc. We got together a few days later, only for him to break up with me again in April 2011 because he was unsure of his feelings, too busy with training. He ended up still coming home all the time to visit me, meeting half way. I tried to figure out what 'we' were before he left in July, but it did not happen. He said he felt too much pressure and we'd see where things went. I couldn't do that, because I was already so unsure for the past few months and then he was leaving for 7.. my anxiety was through the roof!
I told myself I'd wait, but about 2 months into his deployment, I couldn't do it anymore. I'd get phone calls or letters, but there was no emotion. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and missed him, but just couldn't because I felt I was talking to a brick wall behind the computer screen or phone line. I know he was deployed, but I was getting close to nothing from him. I told him I couldn't do it, and he understood and stopped talking to me completely for a couple weeks. We started talking again just as friends, and during that time I took a trip with a friend and on the trip I met a fun guy. We hung out the entire long weekend and my 'ex' saw it all over facebook (which I no longer have!). The day after I'd gotten home, I got a call from his brother that he'd been shot and was most likely coming home. I was freaking out because I knew he had seen everything and had told me the night before that it put him in a 'blah' mood. He ended up coming home, and confessing his love to me. He told me he always loved me and he knew I loved him too, but I was seeing the other guy. He said he never knew how to show me that he loved me.. he struggled showing me. I felt bad, horrible actually, that I was so angry and upset at him that I wouldn't even give him the chance. I was with someone else and I wanted to see where that went. He told me he made the biggest mistake of his life, kept begging me for another chance, and reiterating how much I meant to him. He was heartbroken and told me he'd love me forever. Long story short, the guy and I didn't work out, and I ended up talking to my ex again.
At first he was very angry, telling me how much it hurt him to see that and to be pushed away and he felt like he was my 2nd choice, which totally wasn't the case. I really ended up missing him, but good luck convincing him of that. Slowly but surely things got back to normal, and we continued on. He decided it was time to see a therapist, because he was very angry (not at me, but in general) and suffering from memory loss. I don't know the total outcome of it as he didn't really open up to me, or anyone for that matter, but I do know the therapist tried giving him meds that he didn't want to get involved with, and put him in group therapy. He was doing good for awhile, and I noticed a big change in his demeanor. He was handling our conflicts better, telling me he was trying not to get frustrated so easily anymore regarding us. I kept telling everyone how great things were going and how much of a difference I noticed. Then I found out he wasn't sleeping right.. that he was up all night tossing and turning. So he prescribed him melatonin since he wanted a natural alternative.
He got an opportunity to join a medical study in Pensacola for 2 months, and he took it. He's still in Pensacola as we speak (until Saturday), but something in Pensacola changed him. I know he's a home body, he likes to stay in and watch movies/tv instead of spending his money. But in Pensacola he was hardly doing anything. He obviously wasn't seeing his therapist or going to group therapy anymore. His sleeping problems got even worse. We met up one weekend and I must have woken up 4 times in the middle of the night with him wide awake telling me he just can't sleep. Unless he takes the melatonin, he doesn't sleep. He'll stay up until 4-5am then sleep all day after he does his study. He was getting more and more frustrated when anything between us came up, I had to start walking on egg shells just to avoid an argument. This alone was causing me to feel neglected and unhappy. He was very frustrated one day and mentioned PTSD and told me he feels detached from everything in the world. We tried to work through it, but things were just getting harder and harder.. and finally last week he ended things. He told me he loves me and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But he says that he can't keep doing this to me because he's "an idiot" as he called himself.. and told me that right now he can't give me all the love and attention I deserve. He told me he's a very angry person and he can't connect to any of his emotions anymore.. that he doesn't know how to have that emotional attachment. He says that things used to be easier for him but he's struggling to find any emotion for anything.. again not just with me but with family and friends as well. He just keeps telling me something is wrong with him, and he really wants to be my friend while he works through this but he wants me to have the freedom to find happiness elsewhere until he knows he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated, "like the queen that I am".
Naturally I tried telling him I want to be next to him during this time.. I told him I'd be there for him through this but he says he can't do it. He can't keep seeing me upset, and all he wants is for me to be happy. I know he's very frustrated that he feels he can't make me happy, and I feel semi guilty that I couldn't just control my emotions more and not make him feel like he wasn't doing enough. He read up some more on PTSD that I sent him.. I know he's confused and I just feel like he's going through a hard time right now. He hardly has any real friends as it is.. I'm the absolute closest person to him, and he's cutting me out. Only people he sees/talks to are his Marine friends and it's breaking my heart that he'd want to cut me of all people out. This guy is my best friend, my rock, he is the love of my life and we've been on such a challenging road with only 8 months until he's home, and I feel like he's giving up. He keeps telling me he hasn't closed the book on us or given up on us, and that hopefully we can have that fairy tale ending once he gets everything worked out if some other guy doesn't come along in my life. I'm struggling because I want to stay with him and help him in any way that I can. I have been reading a lot and I know just plain being there for him is going to help him, but I am totally heart broken. I miss him more than anything. He'll be here on Monday for a few days for 4th of July and I just don't know how things are going to go between us. I just saw him 2 weeks ago and things were great.. such a nice weekend together and then this. All he keeps telling me is that he wants me to be happy.. but I am happy with him and I'd be happy to be there for him just as he's always been there for me. I'm upset because we broke up last year and I felt the same way.. even though I know this PTSD has hit him way harder this time around. The thought of him or myself with anyone else just makes no sense to me. In love I feel like you're there through thick and thin, and just because he's having a hard time I wouldn't want to move on to someone "better" or more stable. I love him no matter what. He's been there for me through some huge challenges in my life and I wish I could give him that same satisfaction. But for some reason he feels like he needs to be alone. Maybe the relationship was too much pressure? Maybe he really just needs some time to reflect, seek therapy? He tells me that until he knows for sure that he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated that he can't do this. I feel horrible, and part of me blames myself for not making things easier. Any advice how to deal with this? My anxiety has been very hard to deal with (I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder as it is) and I am just stuck feeling lost right now. I want to talk to him and I want my best friend back.. but it's so hard because he's completely pushing me away.. even though he says he loves me :( I'm trying to research to help me and him out through this time, and I figured the best place for any advice would be here. Anyone?
Just as some back information.. he's one of the quietest people I know. He's not very good with expressing his emotions.. where I on the other hand am a little more open about things (what woman isn't?). I'm not going to say he's terrible, but he struggles with his emotions a lot. He tells me that it's part of how the military trained him.. to just deal with things as they come at you and don't think too much about it. Because of this he's developed this non chalant attitude about everything. Me, his family, friends.. he can shut his emotions off in the blink of an eye. He'd expressed that he felt like something was wrong with him, because things that should bother him, don't phase him. He doesn't have the best relationship with his mom.. and as many times as he's told himself to try and fix it, he just finds himself not caring to put in the effort. He wants to, but he just can't come to grip with the desire to actually do so. He hasn't had his dad since he was 13 due to some very unfortunate circumstances that I'd rather not get into, but he told me he thinks about it every day. He misses his dad and I know this has a lot to do with the way he is.. trust issues and anger issues. Because of what happened to his dad he thinks that's why he is so distant from his family, and why he just can't 'connect' with them.. why he's so angry at them.. even though the situation was beyond all of their control as far as the story that I know goes. He's opened up to me more than he's ever opened up to any of his other friends, something I appreciated more than anything.. that he had that type of trust in me. Him & I were the true definition of best friends turning into lovers!
We got together in July 2010 after he got back from his 1st deployment, and I noticed he was very jumpy (even in his sleep), less patient, more angry, and he said even he had noticed a difference. I knew he had ran over an IED and gotten a concussion (amongst other things) so I knew that obviously had something to do with it. I didn't really think twice about it though because he didn't complain any more than usual. In November 2010 he found out he was deploying back to Afghanistan in July 2011, and broke up with me because he couldn't handle the relationship etc etc. We got together a few days later, only for him to break up with me again in April 2011 because he was unsure of his feelings, too busy with training. He ended up still coming home all the time to visit me, meeting half way. I tried to figure out what 'we' were before he left in July, but it did not happen. He said he felt too much pressure and we'd see where things went. I couldn't do that, because I was already so unsure for the past few months and then he was leaving for 7.. my anxiety was through the roof!
I told myself I'd wait, but about 2 months into his deployment, I couldn't do it anymore. I'd get phone calls or letters, but there was no emotion. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and missed him, but just couldn't because I felt I was talking to a brick wall behind the computer screen or phone line. I know he was deployed, but I was getting close to nothing from him. I told him I couldn't do it, and he understood and stopped talking to me completely for a couple weeks. We started talking again just as friends, and during that time I took a trip with a friend and on the trip I met a fun guy. We hung out the entire long weekend and my 'ex' saw it all over facebook (which I no longer have!). The day after I'd gotten home, I got a call from his brother that he'd been shot and was most likely coming home. I was freaking out because I knew he had seen everything and had told me the night before that it put him in a 'blah' mood. He ended up coming home, and confessing his love to me. He told me he always loved me and he knew I loved him too, but I was seeing the other guy. He said he never knew how to show me that he loved me.. he struggled showing me. I felt bad, horrible actually, that I was so angry and upset at him that I wouldn't even give him the chance. I was with someone else and I wanted to see where that went. He told me he made the biggest mistake of his life, kept begging me for another chance, and reiterating how much I meant to him. He was heartbroken and told me he'd love me forever. Long story short, the guy and I didn't work out, and I ended up talking to my ex again.
At first he was very angry, telling me how much it hurt him to see that and to be pushed away and he felt like he was my 2nd choice, which totally wasn't the case. I really ended up missing him, but good luck convincing him of that. Slowly but surely things got back to normal, and we continued on. He decided it was time to see a therapist, because he was very angry (not at me, but in general) and suffering from memory loss. I don't know the total outcome of it as he didn't really open up to me, or anyone for that matter, but I do know the therapist tried giving him meds that he didn't want to get involved with, and put him in group therapy. He was doing good for awhile, and I noticed a big change in his demeanor. He was handling our conflicts better, telling me he was trying not to get frustrated so easily anymore regarding us. I kept telling everyone how great things were going and how much of a difference I noticed. Then I found out he wasn't sleeping right.. that he was up all night tossing and turning. So he prescribed him melatonin since he wanted a natural alternative.
He got an opportunity to join a medical study in Pensacola for 2 months, and he took it. He's still in Pensacola as we speak (until Saturday), but something in Pensacola changed him. I know he's a home body, he likes to stay in and watch movies/tv instead of spending his money. But in Pensacola he was hardly doing anything. He obviously wasn't seeing his therapist or going to group therapy anymore. His sleeping problems got even worse. We met up one weekend and I must have woken up 4 times in the middle of the night with him wide awake telling me he just can't sleep. Unless he takes the melatonin, he doesn't sleep. He'll stay up until 4-5am then sleep all day after he does his study. He was getting more and more frustrated when anything between us came up, I had to start walking on egg shells just to avoid an argument. This alone was causing me to feel neglected and unhappy. He was very frustrated one day and mentioned PTSD and told me he feels detached from everything in the world. We tried to work through it, but things were just getting harder and harder.. and finally last week he ended things. He told me he loves me and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But he says that he can't keep doing this to me because he's "an idiot" as he called himself.. and told me that right now he can't give me all the love and attention I deserve. He told me he's a very angry person and he can't connect to any of his emotions anymore.. that he doesn't know how to have that emotional attachment. He says that things used to be easier for him but he's struggling to find any emotion for anything.. again not just with me but with family and friends as well. He just keeps telling me something is wrong with him, and he really wants to be my friend while he works through this but he wants me to have the freedom to find happiness elsewhere until he knows he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated, "like the queen that I am".
Naturally I tried telling him I want to be next to him during this time.. I told him I'd be there for him through this but he says he can't do it. He can't keep seeing me upset, and all he wants is for me to be happy. I know he's very frustrated that he feels he can't make me happy, and I feel semi guilty that I couldn't just control my emotions more and not make him feel like he wasn't doing enough. He read up some more on PTSD that I sent him.. I know he's confused and I just feel like he's going through a hard time right now. He hardly has any real friends as it is.. I'm the absolute closest person to him, and he's cutting me out. Only people he sees/talks to are his Marine friends and it's breaking my heart that he'd want to cut me of all people out. This guy is my best friend, my rock, he is the love of my life and we've been on such a challenging road with only 8 months until he's home, and I feel like he's giving up. He keeps telling me he hasn't closed the book on us or given up on us, and that hopefully we can have that fairy tale ending once he gets everything worked out if some other guy doesn't come along in my life. I'm struggling because I want to stay with him and help him in any way that I can. I have been reading a lot and I know just plain being there for him is going to help him, but I am totally heart broken. I miss him more than anything. He'll be here on Monday for a few days for 4th of July and I just don't know how things are going to go between us. I just saw him 2 weeks ago and things were great.. such a nice weekend together and then this. All he keeps telling me is that he wants me to be happy.. but I am happy with him and I'd be happy to be there for him just as he's always been there for me. I'm upset because we broke up last year and I felt the same way.. even though I know this PTSD has hit him way harder this time around. The thought of him or myself with anyone else just makes no sense to me. In love I feel like you're there through thick and thin, and just because he's having a hard time I wouldn't want to move on to someone "better" or more stable. I love him no matter what. He's been there for me through some huge challenges in my life and I wish I could give him that same satisfaction. But for some reason he feels like he needs to be alone. Maybe the relationship was too much pressure? Maybe he really just needs some time to reflect, seek therapy? He tells me that until he knows for sure that he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated that he can't do this. I feel horrible, and part of me blames myself for not making things easier. Any advice how to deal with this? My anxiety has been very hard to deal with (I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder as it is) and I am just stuck feeling lost right now. I want to talk to him and I want my best friend back.. but it's so hard because he's completely pushing me away.. even though he says he loves me :( I'm trying to research to help me and him out through this time, and I figured the best place for any advice would be here. Anyone?
