Putting Myself Last

[sisu]

I am very aware that I always put other people first ~ their needs, what they want to do, etc. I obsess over how I can stop doing it. I read books about this problem and understand solutions. But its almost as if I run into a brick wall when I actually try to change. The awareness almost brings me to a panic because I cannot override it.

Now its not like I don't take care of myself - I buy nice things for myself, take myself out for manicures and pedicures, make myself a favorite food, etc. But that is "stuff" - what I am talking about is more emotional needs. I worry about how I would feel in that situation and then try to make it easier for the other person. I worry that if I say something hurtful then the other person will feel that pain.

I believe I am this way because I was in so much emotional pain my entire life. I KNOW exactly what that feels like and it is horrible. I don't want the people I love and care about to feel that pain. However, I make sure they don't feel that pain at my own expense. Then I feel more depleted and worn down ~ emotionally drained.

I'm working on it - continually working on it.

 

[sisu]

I AM A CO-DEPENDENT. There is no doubt in my mind. Because I grew up in the family I did I was pre-destined to become a co-dependent or an alcoholic. I'm not sure which is worse...

I have been reading and working on my co-dependent problem. I am feeling stronger each day. My awareness is there and that feels good because I was in denial and not truly aware previously. Now that I am aware I feel like there is hope. I want to overcome this. I NEED to overcome this.

 

[kahlan]

Girl, I know that feeling. I'm not as concerned for "hurting" someone as I am with feeling like expressing my feelings is making me a burden to others so I hold it in and help everyone else just making my situations worse. I keep trying to say no or at least feel like my feelings are valid and not trivial just because the next person may seem to be in a worse place. It sucks :(

 

[anthony]

Congrats @sisu just for acknowledging your own problems and for taking up the fight to change yourself to what you feel is better for you. Recognition and acceptance of an issue is half the battle won. Good on you.

 

[sisu]

Well I've been working hard on my co-dependence. I feel a bit more confident in putting my own needs first, although I still have my setbacks. I'm still learning and I accept that setbacks will happen, but I will never fall back into my old thought pattern. If I constantly give of myself, at some point there will be nothing left.

I wish I would have realized this sooner in my life. Oh well, its never too late to improve yourself. :)

 

[anthony]

A very good attitude Sisu... and well done on making change towards what makes you feel better. Change takes time, so don't be hard on yourself. It is estimated to change our core behaviour and beliefs on a subject can take up-to 90 days. Some are shorter, some changes take longer before becoming our new instinctual action.

Co-dependence I would put into the difficult basket, and that will take time to change negative aspects of it.

Don't forget that we're all co-dependent on others to some point, which is normal... and that should be your goal. Independence with the normal human need to connect and place yourself in a relationship of equal co-dependence, not negatively one sided.