i know each person if different, but just to get an idea, when you are isolating do you find it helpful or harmful to receive little encouragement texts? I don't ask questions or send emotional things. I was just curious as to if you all find it helpful or if it makes things worse.
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Question For Sufferers
- Post starter medley29
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sun seeker
Diamond Member
To me it would be helpful, but as you say everyone is different.
Kintsugi
Sponsor
... Depends on the day! :D
No, but really, I don't see the harm. When I'm isolating, I am a CHAMP at ignoring that which does not serve me, so why not?
No, but really, I don't see the harm. When I'm isolating, I am a CHAMP at ignoring that which does not serve me, so why not?
D
Deleted member 28942
It makes things worse for me. What would help more is if someone says: "I know that you are going through a rough time let me know if you want to talk. I am here for you." and that person being able to really listen without the encouragements.
InvisibleSun
Silver Member
Yup..then i hate myself for it. Which causes me to isolate more..
You have to understand that unless you are seen as an active part of solving whatever problem has arisen, you may be seen as the cause of the problem.
Example:
I get cut off in traffic and comment on the lack of attention to safety I see every day in traffic and my wife says: "he was probably in a hurry" and I go off on her. In the end I am yelling at her for having ever driven when she was in a hurry because she can't schedule her day effectively and doesn't take the consequences of an accident seriously because she has never been in one or seen the carnage that I have, how can I ever truly feel at ease when I know she is driving around out there with no regard for safety and making bad decisions that will affect our entire family and someone elses- On and on.
If I decide I need some time away from her after that, what could she say that would bring me back around any faster than just letting me take a breath and realise what I have just let happen?
If she tells me I am overreacting to her comment or being cut off in the first place, I will definitely see it as just another sign that she needs to be made to understand just how dangerous it is out there and we go right back where we were.
I f she lets me spend a day alone or just out in the garage or doing yard work for a few uninterrupted hours, I will get it and come back with an apology and a calm statement that I am concerned for her safety and that I love her.
It is a complicated dance we do, these couples coping with a hyper-vigilant PTSD sufferer in the mix.
hope this helps
Example:
I get cut off in traffic and comment on the lack of attention to safety I see every day in traffic and my wife says: "he was probably in a hurry" and I go off on her. In the end I am yelling at her for having ever driven when she was in a hurry because she can't schedule her day effectively and doesn't take the consequences of an accident seriously because she has never been in one or seen the carnage that I have, how can I ever truly feel at ease when I know she is driving around out there with no regard for safety and making bad decisions that will affect our entire family and someone elses- On and on.
If I decide I need some time away from her after that, what could she say that would bring me back around any faster than just letting me take a breath and realise what I have just let happen?
If she tells me I am overreacting to her comment or being cut off in the first place, I will definitely see it as just another sign that she needs to be made to understand just how dangerous it is out there and we go right back where we were.
I f she lets me spend a day alone or just out in the garage or doing yard work for a few uninterrupted hours, I will get it and come back with an apology and a calm statement that I am concerned for her safety and that I love her.
It is a complicated dance we do, these couples coping with a hyper-vigilant PTSD sufferer in the mix.
hope this helps
- Post starter
- #8
I'm just at a loss. A medication change is what triggered this episode. I just don't know what to do. We went from spending a lot of time together and talking all the time to him isolating and rarely talking to me. I don't want him to think I don't care or that I'm leaving him, but I don't want to make him isolate further. Like @SeaQuel said, I feel like I can't win.
Justmehere
Sponsor
This is a good question, I'm glad you are asking. The person you care about is lucky to have someone like you who wants to encourage them like you do. Kudos to you for that. We need more supporters in the world who want to help, and seek out to understand how to best help.
For me, I find it most helpful when someone asks me directly if one thing or another would be more helpful. It varies not only from person to person, but from day to day.
The less that is assumed about what would help me specifically, the better. I have had well meaning supporters and friends assume they knew what would help. I have appreciated most of it, even if it triggered me and/or wasn't helpful. I have tried hard to recognize the heart behind it. It's good to know there are people in the world who do care and who want to help encourage sufferers. Most of us have endured the darkest sides of humanity.
An encouraging text to one person may actually be a really emotionally triggering text for another. I once sent a fellow PTSD sufferer a text that would have helped me and it pissed them off. It happens. We both learned a lot. This isn't true for just PTSD sufferers but people in general.
Sometimes what I need more than encouragement is someone to "just" be there. Without fixing, or curing, or changing, but someone who gently reminds me they are there for me. Sometimes it is hard to read a text telling me there is a silver lining to every cloud when the rain is pouring down and it's so dark I can't see my hands in front of my face... and this happens. I find it so hard to respond to.
Sometimes what is really helpful to me is the friend who sends a text to say "This storm is awful. I'm here for you."
Sometimes, a message of validation and presence can do more to encourage me than a million encouraging texts ever could.
For me, I find it most helpful when someone asks me directly if one thing or another would be more helpful. It varies not only from person to person, but from day to day.
The less that is assumed about what would help me specifically, the better. I have had well meaning supporters and friends assume they knew what would help. I have appreciated most of it, even if it triggered me and/or wasn't helpful. I have tried hard to recognize the heart behind it. It's good to know there are people in the world who do care and who want to help encourage sufferers. Most of us have endured the darkest sides of humanity.
An encouraging text to one person may actually be a really emotionally triggering text for another. I once sent a fellow PTSD sufferer a text that would have helped me and it pissed them off. It happens. We both learned a lot. This isn't true for just PTSD sufferers but people in general.
Sometimes what I need more than encouragement is someone to "just" be there. Without fixing, or curing, or changing, but someone who gently reminds me they are there for me. Sometimes it is hard to read a text telling me there is a silver lining to every cloud when the rain is pouring down and it's so dark I can't see my hands in front of my face... and this happens. I find it so hard to respond to.
Sometimes what is really helpful to me is the friend who sends a text to say "This storm is awful. I'm here for you."
Sometimes, a message of validation and presence can do more to encourage me than a million encouraging texts ever could.
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- Post starter
- #10
Your response was most helpful. Usually I send things that are simple. I'll say "Hope you're having a good day" or "Thinking of you." I wish there was a way to know if my messages help or hurt without having to directly ask. I can tell that questions are really difficult when a sufferer is in a dark place, so I try to avoid that.
Thank you also for encouraging me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not making much difference in his life. I'm really trying, even if "trying" means holding back when I would like to message him. I'm trying to find the right balance of letting him know I'm not leaving him without crowding him. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not doing a good enough job, but I am really trying.
D
Deleted member 12723
Sometimes as a sufferer I take a time out but when in crises isolating is a very bad thing for me to do because I have learned this is the time to reach out for help and support. When I am in a downwards spiral i retreat from life and dwell on the negatives in my life. Sometimes I am just licking my wounds.
But I am learning to take time outs to heal in peace. Get myself back in balance and use my common sense better.
But I am learning to take time outs to heal in peace. Get myself back in balance and use my common sense better.
@medley29 you ARE doing a good job and it's evident you're trying by coming here and getting feedback. Have you tried just asking him what he would prefer? You could say exactly this:
And just have an open and honest discussion about it. And it could be that he doesn't know what helps/hurts him, or that it changes depending on the day, the symptom, whatever. But at least you're having some dialogue about it. It's a partnership, and it shouldn't just be on you to make this work.
I also echo what @Justmehere and @UniversalBeing said - what's helpful for me is validation & presence. Just knowing you're there for me without any expectation I'm going to respond. Encouragement can feel invalidating and patronizing, but your acknowledgment and presence goes a long way.
And just have an open and honest discussion about it. And it could be that he doesn't know what helps/hurts him, or that it changes depending on the day, the symptom, whatever. But at least you're having some dialogue about it. It's a partnership, and it shouldn't just be on you to make this work.
I also echo what @Justmehere and @UniversalBeing said - what's helpful for me is validation & presence. Just knowing you're there for me without any expectation I'm going to respond. Encouragement can feel invalidating and patronizing, but your acknowledgment and presence goes a long way.
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