- Post starter
- #25
D
Deleted member 33287
Way a mutual friends of ours both in their 40's described it
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
- Status
EveHarrington
VIP Member
The idea that overly flirty behavior when drunk somehow needs to be excused is an idea that is full of judgment!
She has the right to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants-----without being judged for it.
The statement you made about not making excuses for this behavior means that you are indeed judging this behavior as "bad".
Nobody ever (and I do mean ever!) says that they won't make excuses for behavior that is good or even neutral.
Please stop judging this woman for her behavior. If she wants to be flirty, it's not up to you to judge. Just like if she wants to go out and sleep with 500 men, it's not a behavior that needs an excuse or judgment by anyone else.
She has the right to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants-----without being judged for it.
The statement you made about not making excuses for this behavior means that you are indeed judging this behavior as "bad".
Nobody ever (and I do mean ever!) says that they won't make excuses for behavior that is good or even neutral.
Please stop judging this woman for her behavior. If she wants to be flirty, it's not up to you to judge. Just like if she wants to go out and sleep with 500 men, it's not a behavior that needs an excuse or judgment by anyone else.
joeylittle
Sponsor
In my opinion, if it's not her problem, it's not anyone's problem.
It's really hard to know what a situation is if you are getting it second hand. I'm assuming these friends know you still feel badly about how your relationship with her ended. So, they could be vilifying her just to try and make you feel better.
If they are concerned, and they are her friends, they'll ask her if she's ok. But reporting her actions to you sounds like drama-stirring.
As far as your question goes - motivations range far and wide for rape survivors. She might be fine, and she might be staying within her own limits. Or, not.
Before I started working on my PTSD, I let guys be all over me or was all over guys because I thought, I now realize, that that was the only thing I was good for, and that because I had "let" myself be used by being sexually assaulted (I thought it was my fault) I needed to punish myself by letting myself be used. I used to drink to try to forget but also to punish myself for having "allowed" someone to assault me. So yes, I understand your friend. It's a horrible cycle.
Rebecca Hart
New Here
Hey when I was drinking I would want sex all of the time (with my boyfriend) but now I am completely tee total, I struggle having sex as it really triggers my Ptsd. Alcohol is the worst thing you can do to block out pain as it just prolongs you're misery in the end and you end up with two massive problems instead of one.
- Post starter
- #30
D
Deleted member 33287
Thank you. Understanding more than ever how big of a issue this is, and after I take care of my own issues and she is ready that she can work on other forms of coping
Tom S. in Tn.
Bronze Member
I may be delayed responding to this message, but the link just showed up in my email and I feel compelled to respond because it applies so directly to me.
There is a safe and socially acceptable human sexuality, or so I'm constantly reminded by society and their media. The individual in question may not need southern Baptist judgement, but has a desperate need for others help and intervention for self examination and find it.
As to the writers who posted if it's not her problem, it's no ones problem and she has rights to do whatever with whomever.......... if she works with your husband or is your 16 year olds soccer coach, it'll be your potential problem. Then who has rights? (certainly not a 16 year old male in my own personal experience)
For the record, I can not find any commentary from the actual girl in question here, just her acquaintance. How about hearing from the girl with the (potential) problem directly.
addenum: After proofing my reply, I realized I had not addressed the original question that caused me to log on to begin with. I'll provide this personal information that applies to the original question that I also need answered as well.
Some of my first memory involves being sexualized by a care giver when I was small. I was raped by a prostitute at 17 when a couple of (damn) social workers in a county run mental health center determined in their over educated opinion, I needed experiential therapy to overcome intrinsic fear of females in not just private but public settings as well.
I am male and turned 60 this year. And before I die, would sincerely like to see someone provide insight, even if there is no actual answer to confused sexual feelings (horny in this case) and fear. I just don't get it either.
Some one get on task and differentiate it here, if not for me, but the original writer who started this commentary. Please.........
Tom S. in Tn.
There is a safe and socially acceptable human sexuality, or so I'm constantly reminded by society and their media. The individual in question may not need southern Baptist judgement, but has a desperate need for others help and intervention for self examination and find it.
As to the writers who posted if it's not her problem, it's no ones problem and she has rights to do whatever with whomever.......... if she works with your husband or is your 16 year olds soccer coach, it'll be your potential problem. Then who has rights? (certainly not a 16 year old male in my own personal experience)
For the record, I can not find any commentary from the actual girl in question here, just her acquaintance. How about hearing from the girl with the (potential) problem directly.
addenum: After proofing my reply, I realized I had not addressed the original question that caused me to log on to begin with. I'll provide this personal information that applies to the original question that I also need answered as well.
Some of my first memory involves being sexualized by a care giver when I was small. I was raped by a prostitute at 17 when a couple of (damn) social workers in a county run mental health center determined in their over educated opinion, I needed experiential therapy to overcome intrinsic fear of females in not just private but public settings as well.
I am male and turned 60 this year. And before I die, would sincerely like to see someone provide insight, even if there is no actual answer to confused sexual feelings (horny in this case) and fear. I just don't get it either.
Some one get on task and differentiate it here, if not for me, but the original writer who started this commentary. Please.........
Tom S. in Tn.
I feel like if this girl didn't directly tell you herself that this is a problem, and everything is coming from third party sources, then you need to just let it go. Because if she's not opening up and telling you herself, then 1) this may all be greatly exaggerated or b) you may be violating some boundaries by obsessing over something that, essentially, is not your business. It's really up to her to make it your business if she wants to. Some people get flirty and touchy feely when they drink; it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with rape or trauma.
- Post starter
- #33
D
Deleted member 33287
She made it my business by telling me about her drinking issues. I was the only one that I know of who she told and no one believed me until they saw it
- Post starter
- #34
D
Deleted member 33287
Stop calling me obsessed because I am not. After seeing therapy I understand the role/ significance she has/ had on me and it wasn't filling a void
Tom S. in Tn.
Bronze Member
FYI: I just received a malicious email that tried to lock my hard drive after subscribing to this message thread.
These forums head no where.
Tom S. in Tn.
These forums head no where.
Tom S. in Tn.
joeylittle
Sponsor
I don't see how that's possible - I suggest you check other possible sources for your problem.
@Statsattack - it's good that you are working on this stuff in therapy. And this may have been true:
But - in my strong opinion - it's not your business anymore, if she and you are no longer in a relationship. From the outside, it sounds like you are hanging onto trying to understand things with this woman, or fix things with her, when she's on a very different trajectory. It wasn't ever clear that you and she were dating - is there an element in here of you being friends, and you wanting something more, and her not?
Regardless, she survived a rape, and has her own path to walk. You unexpectedly lost a friend, and it's led you to understand some stuff about yourself more. But don't you think that continuing to be invested in understanding her choices is only distracting you from healing and moving on?
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
