Reaching Out For Help

[jmm214407]

Hi I am a former US Marine. And I currently am having the hardest time of my life.

I met a girl in October of 2012. Things didn't get serious till the beginning of 2013. Let me also start by saying I have a severe case of PTSD. However I had no idea that PTSD can affect a relationship. I thought it was all about war and bombs. And flashbacks.

Anyway I started off great fell in love with her so hard. Then found an old half naked picture of a friend who shr had been friends with for like 20 years but the slept together shortly prior to us meeting. Which she did tell me about. Anyway after seeing that I snapped. I started lying to her about almost everything. Things I jad no reason to lie about. Then I started texting old female friends who I had been with and we were exchanging inappropriate pictures to them. Then we found out my girlfriend was pregnant and on the day she found out I lied yet again said I was at work and went to hang out with some friends and a one of the girls I had been talking and sending pictures to. Granted we didn't do anything. I should have been there for the newly pregnant women who was holding my baby.

Now I never physically did anything with any of these women but it still was horrible and wrong. She found out about all these women and we almost broke up.However I told her about the photo i found In her phone. Not to mention I asked her to please stop speaking to him as he tried getting her go visit him and yet she didn't respond to it (that I know of) but she didnt put him in his place either. So we hashed it out for awhile and stayed together. But I still kept lying and my temper was raging evem more out of control. I did stop texting all those women and no more pics were exchanged. But for a month and a half I cried hurted and begged her to stop talking to him and delete some pictures she had of him in his army uniform. This raged me more cause I gave her pics of me in uniform and they got put back in her underwear drawer. Wasnt till I finally yelled and fought with her she finally stopped talking to him and deleted his number.

Then I became a coach for her sons football team. And there was a team mom on our team who my fiance swore she had the hots for me. But I didn't see it that way. And no lines were ever crossed. Except for one night she and I were texting back and forth. But nothing inapropriate. She random jokes and football talk. My fiance found out about this and asked to see all the messages however in a panic I deleted them. I hurthurry fiance so many times and she found out about all the stupid lies and woman that she couldn't take it anymore. And I ran away. I backed my bags and split. She thinks to this day I left for the team mom. But in reality I left cause I felt backed in a corner and didn't know what to do.

So November came along and it had been about a week and I went back to her amd begged and swore I'd never hurt her or lie again. And I haven't lied but i did hurt her. I hurt her cause on Christmas she found out about what I thought was fake and was a fantasy of mine. I was on a have sex tonight website talking to several women. Now these women I didn't really think were real. I've never heard of anyone actually hooking up on those things. Its more like a role play. Well one day I sent a naked picture of myself. My fiance found all that out. And almost couldn't take it. But she acknowledged the fact it was a fantasy and nothing that I cared form I deleted my profile and since then never gone back. Then new year day I was on my facebook and through a friends page I saw some pictures of the team mom. So I looked at them for no particular reason but I did. I made no communication with her tho. But I looked. My fiance found out I looked and flipped. So what did I do I ran away yet again.

Now I'm without my fiance I'm alone and broken down. I love her with all my heart and soul. Went amd still going to therapy and group classes. Still trying everyday to get my love back. And I'm getting nowhere. She says she loves me she knows about my PTSD but she thinks that I could have controlled it and should've never hurt her. But I didn't know how to control it. I do now and I'm still attending my classes and therapy. What should I do as far as her and I? Keep fighting or let go? I love her so much and she still loves me. But she may have lost hope faith and trust. But again she knows about my PTSD. Why won't she try to support me through this??

 

[arfie]

My own PTSD is complex from a long and deep cycle of domestic abuse. I carried it into the army with me in 1973 when combat PTSD was still being called, Shell Shock and Battle Fatigue. I never saw combat. Much of my own PTSD therapy has been in army and VA groups which freely mix the many flavors of PTSD. We are continually amazed at the similarities of the symptoms. One of my group brothers put it, "Trauma seems to be trauma, regardless of the source."

During the too many times the irrational reactions of my PTSD have boxed me into corners like this with my husband of 33 years, I have learned not to fight it. Fighting is typically what caused the mess in the first place. I back off and get with a program. I do not attempt to make amends until I get my PTSD symptoms in check and have the back up of a support battalion to help me navigate the minefields and incoming fire.

But that is me.
keep on sorting until you find what it is for you.

 

[ill]

She did try to support you but now she has to take care of herself. Love and support for another should not come at the expense of love, respect and care of oneself. You lied and broke trust repeatedly, you bailed on your relationship more than once, and yeah, she probably lost hope, faith and trust. She needs to think of herself right now, and she needs to heal. You need to respect that she needs time and space to heal, and she may never be able to move forward with you romantically.

But if you do want to leave that a possibility, if that's something you want to work towards, there are things you can do. You can be consistent and dependable, you can acknowledge the ways in which you hurt her without minimizing or excusing that pain and damage (understanding is a different thing); you can concentrate on building trust; you can learn to manage your feelings, behaviours and stressors; you can learn to communicate clearly, effectively and non-violently; you can focus on your healing; you can practice building a friendship and trust between you (if that's something she would be willing to do); you can work on articulating your own wants and needs and boundaries and figure out how to respect hers; you can figure out why you repeatedly visited sex sites/women's pictures after it was already an issue for the two of you; you can continue therapy and classes. It does take work and effort and time. You can't expect her to just forgive and forget and jump back into a relationship with you because (you say) you're ready now. She did that before and look where it got her.

Can you respect and understand the situation from her perspective? PTSD sucks and it is painful for us, but it's not a get out of jail free card.

 

[jmm214407]

I know its not a get out of jail free card. And I don't expect her to just jump back in my arms. In fact I told her I don't want that right now. I want to continue working on ourselves yet at the same time each other. I want her to just watch amd see if she sees the difference in me after time and therapy. But she says she doesn't want to do therapy and that I need to just leave her alone. I didn't know how PTSD can affect a relationship. If I did I would have seeked help a long time ago. I would have made a sure my mind was right so that I don't hurt her. Hurting her is the last thing I wanted to do. And I did ask her if we can see each other on a friendship level. We bith love each other still. She was ok with that. We went out twice and had a great time together. PTSD is more serious than even I thought. I've been reading about it so much. She has become my life. And I love her. Do I continue to fight for her or let her go? I don't want to let go. Especially knowing these things take time. And we broke up on the first so I know that'snot aa lot of time so why stop fighting now. I feel I need to save the love that she has left for me. And if I don't try I'll lose her forever and I don't think I can function... :'(

 

[jmm214407]

And when I say support me I mean support me NOW KNOWING there is an issue. A disability if you will. PTSD takes over your mind makes you feel powerless. I've read so much articles on it and what it does. I have a book "courage after the fire" in that book it explains how all these things I did are common and not as bad as other cases out there. I am going to continue my therapy and group classes.

 

[jmm214407]

And thank you for the responses.

 

[ill]

Just because we act out in ways that are "common" or "not as bad" as other people have doesn't mean that we don't/haven't caused (sometimes irreparable) damage. We didn't understand, we do now, we want to make it better, and yes, it is a terrible disabling illness, but that doesn't mean that we can undo the things that we've done or the harm that we've caused. We have to find ways to move forward and we have to honour and respect that sometimes the people we love can't move forward with us. I am not trying to harp on you, honestly, but this reads as minimizing to me. Just because it wasn't as bad as it could've been doesn't mean that it wasn't bad enough, and her saying she needs time and space indicates that it was bad enough. If you want a chance to move forward with her, you need to respect that. It was bad, the end. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I think your best bet is just to continue working on yourself and your well-being (which you are doing, and which I commend you for), to let her know that you love her and would like to be with her one day if and when she wants to, and to concentrate on building your friendship with each other. You have to respect the fact that she is unable or unwilling to be in a romantic relationship with you right now. I have no doubt that it sucks and that it's painful, but she needs to make the choices that are right for her, not the choices that are right for you or that you want her to make. Don't push and don't try to insist on her having therapy. We can't control other people, we can only work on ourselves.

I really admire and commend you for your commitment to working on your healing and going to therapy and classes, and I also really appreciate you listening and responding to my potentially harsh sounding words with an open mind. I hope things continue to improve for you.

 

[jmm214407]

Maybe you're right. I'm not trying to use PTSD as my way out. Its just really hard because that's where the source is. And not that I don't love and care for her. Cause I do I truly truly do... :(

 

[jmm214407]

I swear you sound just like her. Almost think you are. Jk

 

[ill]

I have no doubt you do love her, and I didn't mention this in my earlier post, but I feel like I really, really understand where you're coming from. I have PTSD and I suspect my partner does too, but we didn't know how to manage things and we really hurt each other. We took time out of the romantic part of our relationship, focused on building the friendship and working on ourselves, and our relationship is much healthier and happier than I could have imagined. So that's where my words come from and they're not meant to be mean-spirited or unkind. My hope is that you might have a similar positive resolution. But no matter what unfolds with your love, your commitment to therapy and healing is going to introduce positive changes. I do wish you the very best, and I hope you know I'm not trying to minimize how hard and painful it is to deal with PTSD, especially when it's undiagnosed and untreated.

 

[jmm214407]

Thank you. Ill see if maybe she's up for that.

 

[jmm214407]

Can I ask in personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Were you two still intimate during your friendship time?