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[Deleted member 45988]

My understanding is that lack of support after trauma is one of the reasons some people end up with PTSD...

I am realistic, this is just too politically incorrect a problem to be addressed and I am too angry about it. I have tried to go to psychs and the questions about whether I am gay or hate gays or am dangerous or have some sort of irrational thinking go on for long enough that I become furious and need to leave. Other than being generally anxious I am well adjusted outside of this problem, so I don't really need other psychological assistance anyway.

But it's like how does one turn off some thing that continually replays over and over and is always accompanied by socially unacceptable anger and consumes all energy that should be spent on other things? This is why I am on ptsd board. It's like maybe it is ptsd or maybe it isn't but it's a past event that was difficult for me that won't just go away.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

My understanding is that lack of support after trauma is one of the reasons some people end up with PTSD...

I also got beat up by group of people as a direct result for being angry about sexual assault. I got mad at female best friend over supporting sexually assaulting guys instead of me and her friends got revenge...I was told this was actually possibly really raciallly motivated. I got kicked in the head and knocked out. I was also hit by by a drunk driver on a highway and watched the drunk drivers car flip after hitting me. These things were not traumatic for me, except maybe getting beat up seemed like an additional punishment for being sexually assaulted, but being beat up was not traumatic in itself and there isn't emotion attached to it like there is attached to being sexually assaulted by guy I repeatedly told no to or specific blames and accusations from people I knew and from authority figures for being upset about sexual assault.

 

[Gs172003]

I also got beat up by group of people as a direct result for being angry about sexual assault. I got...

If you can't turn it off then seeing somebody for it is important. Make sure it is s trauma therapist.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

If you can't turn it off then seeing somebody for it is important. Make sure it is s trauma therapist.[/...

But the issue is that violent incidents/injustices where I could have easily died (getting beat up by group and then kicked in the head and knocked out once I was down, being hit on the highway by a drunk driver) are not causing me any discomfort of any kind. And sexual assault was not violent or overly traumatic on it's own. But events surrounding and following sexual assault complete messed with my sense of expectations and justice and how the world works.

Sorry I keep writing, sort of trying to think through this, etc. Please feel free to ignore me.

Like if getting beat up by group and kicked in the head was causing me to be afraid of people and have flashbacks or something, I can see trauma therapist being of some help, but that isn't the case at all. It's like the trauma isn't a specific event, it's a whole bunch of things together so rounding a specific event that messed with my head.

 

[Gs172003]

But the issue is that violent incidents/injustices where I could have easily died (getting beat up by...

Sexual assaults don't have to be almost deadly to cause this. That was said by a man that helped DEFINE PTSD.

 

[Gs172003]

Just watch this.

You tube video explaining ptsd and cptsd

 

[Deleted member 45988]

Just watch this.

Yes, I felt almost exactly like he is describing in the second part: dehumanized, lowered, almost like living in prison, etc. my girlfriend and I had just taken a walk in in a park and were joking around and relaxed and then I started watching second part of video and went from relaxed to rage in a couple seconds, then chain smoking after only smoking one cigarette in 12 hours. I couldn't even watch rest of video I was so angry. Then I furiously paced around mostly overwhelmed with rage and unable to think about anything else.

I think it's rage because everything came from outside sources: like I thought at university I was being told gays were victims and it was absurd homophobia to believe gays might aggressively try to convert straights and then sexually assault them if they failed to comply but that's what happened, then I was blamed for sexual assault because I was: (1). Cheating with boyfriend, (2) others thought I might be secretly gay (3) Female friend liked gay men and gay causes and my experience was inconvenient (4) gay university counselor I was assigned to didn't want to acknowledge problem that might his people look bad (5) people seemed to interpret my anger as either some kind of homophobia or as a general threat to gays or secret homosexuality. (6). It was explained when I checked myself into hospital that issue was I have disorders and chemical imbalances.

Like, to me, I knew something deeply wrong and troubling had happened, but not only was it not t being addressed, but everyone, everywhere were extremely aggressively blaming me for it. To the point where the difference between what I believed and what everyone kept telling me was reality was so different that I felt like I was losing touch with reality

Sexual assaults don't have to be almost deadly to cause this. That was said by a man that helped DEFINE...

Yes, I felt almost exactly like he is describing in the second part: dehumanized, lowered, almost like living in prison, etc. my girlfriend and I had just taken a walk in in a park and were joking around and relaxed and then I started watching second part of video and went from relaxed to rage in a couple seconds, then chain smoking after only smoking one cigarette in 12 hours. I couldn't even watch rest of video I was so angry. Then I furiously paced around mostly overwhelmed with rage and unable to think about anything else.

I think it's rage because everything came from outside sources: like I thought at university I was being told gays were victims and it was absurd homophobia to believe gays might aggressively try to convert straights and then sexually assault them if they failed to comply but that's what happened, then I was blamed for sexual assault because I was: (1). Cheating with boyfriend, (2) others thought I might be secretly gay (3) Female friend liked gay men and gay causes and my experience was inconvenient (4) gay university counselor I was assigned to didn't want to acknowledge problem that might his people look bad (5) people seemed to interpret my anger as either some kind of homophobia or as a general threat to gays or secret homosexuality. (6). It was explained when I checked myself into hospital that issue was I have disorders and chemical imbalances.

Like, to me, I knew something deeply wrong and troubling had happened, but not only was it not t being addressed, but everyone, everywhere were extremely aggressively blaming me for it. To the point where the difference between what I believed and what everyone kept telling me was reality was so different that I felt like I was losing touch with reality

 

[Gs172003]

Yes, I felt almost exactly like he is describing in the second part: dehumanized, lowered, almost lik...

I don't know what was done or why people were justifying it but you need to get some help. Not from school but from a trauma therapist.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

I don't know what was done or why people were justifying it but you need to get some help. Not from scho...

The issue with therapists is that, at this point, I no longer really have any self doubt or serious issues other than not trusting people and being anxious but mostly extreme rage at this and other mistreatments by men with homosexual inclinations and me being blamed and accused and punished for their bad behavior because it's politically incorrect to accuse certain people of wrongdoing. My girlfriend went with me to a social worker because I was afraid if she wasn't there the conversation would initially revolve around whether or not I was gay or whether or not I was a danger to gays or whether or not I was homophobic and it would quickly devolve into nonsense with me being angry at what I felt were more accusations and psych professional being suspicious of my secret homosexuality or danger to gays. But if girlfriend was there there it might not be fear and blaming and what I view as more accusations from the psychological professional. And it worked, I actually didn't get accused of real problem is I am gay and maybe I am filled with hate or dangerous to gays, but then mental health place stopped funding social worker so I could no longer see her...it wasn't actually helpful, but at least, for once, I didn't end up being angrier than when I went in.

I feel like it's totally different from how things might go with women. Or maybe it's a bit like how things might go with women in the year 1900, where maybe the issue is that a woman was sexually assaulted by a husband, but nobody believes that a woman can be assaulted by a husband and assumes that real issue is that something is wrong with woman for having some bizarre belief that her husband sexually assaulted her. And the woman might actually be afraid to see a psychological professional because they might also assume it's not possible for a woman to be sexually assaulted by a husband and then there will be a professional opinion that something is wrong with woman for having some irrational belief that her husband assaulted her, which is somehow proof of her derangement and deep seated mental problems.

 

[Mee]

Pokeyslow.

I think your situation sounds traumatic.

May I ask if you have seen a rape advocate?

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes I agree with @Zoogal and @Mee. You need to find a therapist or a psycdoc., to help you. You cannot really diagnose yourself with much accuracy and then work on it.

The question really is do you want to stay angry? Who is that anger really hurting? It is harming you...right?

 

[Deleted member 45988]

Yes I agree with @Zoogal and @Mee. You need to find a therap...

It's just difficult for me to trust anyone and I feel like psych professionals have previously made the problem worse. @Mee's suggestion that I see rape advocate initially sounded adsurd to me because it's not even the assault that was traumatic, it was the part were it wasn't taken seriously, but then I think about it and of all the suggestions I think they would be the ones least surprised and most accepting.

To me, everything about experience was ridiculous. Like two people assault one person, then there should be interest in punishing two people for doing the sexual assaulting and there should not be continued assumptions that the victim is at fault. Like, to me, there was an obvious, not too difficult to deal with problem that people being stupid turned into a very large, difficult to solve problem. So there is tons of anger and little capacity to trust the opinions of others, even if they are psych professionals.

Thanks for taking the time to write.