Ready To Exit This Planet

[Scarface]

I've tried everything to make myself better and all has failed. I am tortured constantly by the disfiguring scar on my face. I have become a bitter, angry, and evil person. I suffer 24/7. The only time I don't suffer is when I sleep, and even then my dreams haunt me because I dream that my face is normal and that my life is fine. Then I wake up to my reality, my nightmare.

How I long to feel the sunshine on my face without having to worry about my scar tissue. To not feel the uncomfortable tissue pulling and tugging on my face. How I would die to be able to pull my hair back in public and go for a walk. To go to a picnic on the beach without having to wear a hat. To take a picture with family and friends without having to cover my face. To look in the mirror and be able to smile at my reflection like I used to. To put on makeup, wear my hair how I want to, wear and nice dress, and actually feel good about myself.

I have spent days in bed lately.
I want to die, but I'm too scared to pull the trigger, to take the jump, to swallow the pill. So I will just will myself to die every day.

My scarred face is my demise. It will kill me. I keep telling myself that the pain will be over soon. We are all put in this earth to ultimately suffer and die. My relief will come one day.

 

[joeylittle]

@Scarface - I'm curious. What would you like from this forum? If there were one thing you could come away from here with, what would it be?

 

[Ronin]

Scarface, you don't have to be 'better'.

Just BE. Just stay.

Bitter & angry people are needed. It's not a bad thing to be.

You wouldn't be relieved. You wouldn't /be/.
That relief you seek is elsewhere. Maybe not right now, or this year, but exists.

 

[Suzetig]

I've tried everything to make myself better and all has failed. I am tortured constantly by the disfiguring scar on my face. I have become a bitter, angry, and evil person.

I would respectfully suggest that no you haven't tried everything to make yourself better. There have been many suggestions on your various threads to support you in recovering that you've basically disregarded or ignored. You still have options around long term therapy, CBT for the depression you're experiencing, medication to support your mood and mindset. You've been encouraged to look around the forums here and use some of the experience and knowledge of long standing members to help you in your healing. Instead you've reacted with defence and at times outright aggression. So no, you've not done all you can, but again I say you may just not be up for the hard work that's involved in recovering from trauma - which is ok but be honest with yourself and others that that's what's happening.

You may not be able to fix your scar but you can change the way it impacts you - that is entirely within your control.

If you've become and bitter, angry person it's because you've chosen that path, not because it was inevitable. I see people on here who have experienced unimaginable trauma that has left physical and emotional scars. They are some of the most generous, giving, empathic people. If they can get there, you can too.

I'm left wondering what you are hoping for when you come here, you post the same kind of thing expressing your pain and hopelessness and others post trying to support or challenge you, you seem to knock all of it back and then leave for a while before returning and starting it all again. I want to be supportive, and show care and empathy but it's hard to do that when you don't seem to want that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I hope you take advantage of this forum beyond the suicidal section. There is a lot more here to help you.

You have barely scratched the surface in terms of treatment and coping.

I think that you're still very much in the mourning period and this is unfortunately affecting your view of your situation.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Please don't give up.

Also please don't keep laying in bed. You could end up with even more pain :(

Don't give up.

 

[shimmerz]

I'd like to know who humiliated you along the way. My concern is that it is like what many of us do. The voices of others have defined us - without us even knowing it until it comes out in therapy. You may not realize this yet, but it is very possible that this is something that you can be comfortable with. Do you recall Seal, the singer? The man who married one of the most beautiful people in the world? Perhaps looking for inspiring stories of others who have visual scars wouldn't be a bad idea - IF you want this to change. Do you want your attitude towards yourself to change?

I know what I speak of. I have very bad scarring as well.

 

[Friday]

Some people have to argue themselves into action... Meaning that the only way they can keep defending the position they want to defend (suicide, life is horrible, nothing will ever help, etc.), is by provoking others into arguing with them. The more others try to help, the more they can shoot them down and become more and more convinced how right they are.

I could be wrong, but this is what it feels like reading your posts. As such, I'm no longer going to play. If you actually want help in dealing with PTSD & making your life better, hopefully I'll see you around the forums & would be more than happy to kick around solutions, thoughts, ideas, experiences. But I for one, am not going to be arguing with you. Being used as a tool in someone else's suicide just isn't a role I'm willing to play.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to kind of go where @FridayJones went. You've been reminding me of someone my T told me about. (Disclaimer: He talks about other clients a lot, using them as examples. They may or may not be real people and actual clients, I have no idea. He's usually trying to make some point and that's what matters.)

One day, pretty early on, he began a session by telling me about a woman he'd just seen for the first time. He said she went on and on about how difficult her case was. Many other T's had given up on her. He said she basically seemed to be daring him to try to work with her. We talked about what that might mean a little. He said, among other things, that some people are actually afraid of "getting better" because they aren't sure who they will be then. Then I asked if he was going to keep seeing her. He laughed and said that he was, that it might be interesting. He figured she'd probably quit when she found out he wasn't going to quit, because she really didn't want to get better, yet. But there was a chance she'd change her mind and he'd try to help with that.

What was his point? Well, the messages I took away were. 1) He doesn't give up easily. 2) He enjoys a challenge 3) He has a sense of humor. 4) He's scary smart. 5) He can't MAKE anyone better, and he knows it. All he can do is help people find the way to make themselves better. If you want to resist therapy, really resist it, you will succeed.

@Scarface, all along here I've had the feeling that you have that "I dare you to help me" attitude. So, if someone could actually help you to find meaning and value in life with a bad scar, then what? I hope, at some point, you'll put as much effort into finding a good trauma therapist as you have into researching plastic surgery. There are some good ones out there and there IS help. You may have a bad scar and you may be pretty ugly, but you can't possibly have the worst scar in the world. There HAVE to be people out there living and thriving with worse. You have a ton of determination and perseverance. I hope some day soon you decide to apply that to getting better.

 

[shimmerz]

Perhaps a change in your username would be a good start. Defining yourself by your scars is a bad idea, imho. Nobody here sees your scars or will react to them. You can be you without them. You have complete freedom here to find the person underneath your scars. Practicing that will help change your focus.

Pick a favourite flower, a name of your favourite pet, the name of a stunning beach..... this all comes down to training your focus in a more positive way.

Life doesn't have to be over because of the scars. Trust me.

 

[ladee]

One of the things that amaze me about this place. The support. Even those that said they would not play along with you this time around, also said, if you come back wanting help and support, they are here for you. I wasn't going to post on this, but I did have to say something about my peers.
We all hope you come to your senses, but if not, we'll still be here, trudging along with our lives using our energy to help those that want help.