People here could give different opinions about what is and isn't fair.... but in the end, what is fair, just, and right - this isn't always what it takes to make a relationship work.
That being said... here is some feedback other different ways to look at some of the good questions you are asking.
What do you think are some realistic rules when living together?
This is going to vary from person to person, and couple to couple. I do like the idea that you are thinking about this, and I would encourage you to think about it in terms of what
you expect, need, and want in future relationships. This will help if you do ever get back together with her (which may or may not happen) and will help especially if you do not. Communicating what people need, want, and expect (not all the same thing) in a relationship with their partner on upfront, and on a regular basis, is really important. I have been told by friends who are married (and have good married relationships) that regularly talking about expectations is really helpful. I would have never expected that myself! :)
If you know your PTSD partner will go through periods of isolation, withdrawal, or pushing away, how do you protect both the long-term relationship and yourself both emotionally, structurally, and financially?
This is a good and complex question that depends on so many factors. As far as financially, I would suggest going into financial commitments very slowly, and making clear plans with your partner about who is responsible for what, and what would happen if either party suddenly lost a job, or if there was a breakup, or some other financial hardship or change that came up, and they could not pay, what would be the plan then.
is it fair that she took both of the dogs?
She had dogs but they were just as much a part of my life (since I took care of them most of the time and I loved them too).
In my opinion, it's reasonable of her that she took both of her dogs. Unless you made some kind of agreement for shared care and custody of the dogs prior to breaking up, for the situation of breaking up, then it's reasonable for her to take her dogs. In the end, they were her dogs, and she gets to decide what to do.
Does that mean it hurts any less? Nope, not at all. It is really hard to lose the connection to any person, and even their pets. Maybe especially their pets. I would feel heartbroken too if I was in your shoes, and I would miss the dogs
deeply...
It might be nice if she could offer to let you come and walk the dogs or something from time to time, but she may or may not be able or willing to do that. It also may not be a good idea, for either of you, to even have you come and walk the dogs right now. It may just stir up too much for you both if she did that. If I was in her shoes, which I am not, but if I was, I might also feel weird if an ex-boyfriend communicated to me that they wanted one of my dogs. I would suspect, even without them saying this, that there would be other motives, like trying to connect to me as well in addition to my dogs. It would begin to feel manipulative to me, even though I can also fully understand it. But any hints of even feeling like someone is manipulating me, that would so trigger me.
I know I would be dealing with this a lot better if I had one of the dogs with me. Hopefully that encourages them to come back :)
Exactly. If an ex-boyfriend had this heart towards my dogs, and asked for one of them, and was honest that he was doing it partly out of genuine desire to have the dog, and out of genuine desire to make me miss my dog so much that I would go back to him - - I would feel bad and it wouldn't help me connect to him more at all.
Let me try to explain...
Right now, she is struggling to withstand even remote human connection with a person she was probably deeply emotionally connected with. She is probably struggling in other close relationships too, if she has any. She may doing fine in very superficial relationships, but I can tell you from experience, this is a very lonely and hard place to be. Isolation is not a place of happiness. It's a place of survival and trying to manage. She is hurting right now.
You are heartbroken, but you probably have a much greater ability to cultivate and enjoy close human relationships and connection with others right now. Just because someone needs/wants to isolate from intimate human relationship, that doesn't mean their desire or need for connection and relationship goes away.
A connection to dogs isn't the same as human connection, but as you have experienced, it can run deep. Her dogs are probably her
only source of relationship to another living creature that feels always safe, and never triggering. They are probably really helpful for her in managing her symptoms, especially when her cup is running over and she is isolating from close human connections.
It won't help her to have her give up either of her dogs for you. It's also not going to help you get closer to her for you to have one of her dogs.
Let's say she did to it, and she gave you one of her dogs. That stress cup that was already overflowing, it's going to be overflowing even more, maybe turn into a massive heart and soul destroying flood. Having her cup overflow more, and losing even part of a source of connection - that's not going to make her want to be closer with you
or anyone else. She is going to be MORE stressed and MORE shut down, especially to more close intimate human contact.
If you want her to get closer to anyone, she needs support to do what she needs to do to empty that cup, not add new stressors.
My dog helps me get closer to humans, and I would never give up my dog, not even if I was married to someone and we divorced. If someone was to try to take my dog from me, and somehow I chose to give up my dog, I would struggle MORE to connect to humans, any humans. In fact, the last human I would want to contact would be the one with my dog that I had given to them. That would be hellish on my heart, and if my PTSD cup is already overflowing.... it's just not going to happen. Many PTSD sufferers avoid avoid avoid when they are struggling to cope with symptoms. That would be the person I would seek to avoid THE MOST, even if it was all well meaning and even if thought they deserved to have the dog. If my cup was overflowing, and probably even if it wasn't, I would avoid seeing the dog and the person out of not being able to able to handle it all.
But if my dog gets to stay with me, my cup might lower faster, and I might have more space to connect again sooner, with and without my dog.
In a partnership where neither party wants it to end (but the sufferer might feel the need for space or isolation), how do you avoid having all the infrastructure crumble?
What do you mean by infrastructure? You mean the living space and etc? Go slow. Build up a life that can be sustained with or without a partner, and slowly invite a partner into it, and over time.
When structure is lost, grieve. Connect to others. Don't isolate. Do things you love to do. Do them when with someone else, and when apart.
Emotionally, sometimes it can help if the supporter has strong solid outside relationships and has built up a life that doesn't all depend on how well a sufferer is doing.
Financially, she owed me about $ 2000 in rent when I left.
Is this a case of her missing rent, you covered it, she missed rent again. you covered it... and the the breakup happened and you ended up in the hole? This happens even between people who are just roommates sometimes. It does get more complicated when it happens between romantic partners. This is a good case for making decisions to move in together slowly.
Is it fair she has not yet paid you back? No. If you have any kind of documentation of an agreement to be paid back, you could seek legal options to remedy this...
But it's my guess that what you really want is not just what is fair, but that you really want her. That's why you did so much to stay in the relationship with her and make it work. You gave your heart, and it's been broken, badly. I think it's incredible that you have been so willing to love like this, and I think you will find a great partner in life who is ready and able to make the kind of commitments you want. Maybe eventually it could be her. Right now it isn't. Whatever happens, I think you have learned a lot from this experience and that is HUGE and a good sign that your future relationships (with her or someone else) will have a great chance of long term success.
You are asking good questions in the middle of some pretty big losses of relationship. I hope the heart ache gets easier soon. :hug:
