Reality Check - Am I Just Expecting Too Much From My Mother?

[J_trustno1]

Okay, I know a lot of you will be sick of my questions by now and will be thinking that I need a visit to the psych ward and need electric shocks like my mother keeps prescribing me whenever I question her about why she is allowing my abusers into our house or still visiting them.

Btw my mother has known all my abuser from the day it started. She knows about my father trying to kill me, knows about her sister's pedophile husband, about her narcissistic brother and her sisters. However, she is still in contact with these people and it annoys the hell out me. Today my brother is going for his overseas trip and my mum + my brother decided to visit the pedophile and her sister because it rude to not visit the relatives when you leave in my so called culture.

My mother is still in touch with her siblings, still visits their house and they still come to our house. She has never divorced my father despite him trying to kill her and force suicide on her. Whenever I question her about all this she lashes out on me. She thinks it is rude for me not greeting her narcissistic brother, her bitch sisters or her pedophile brother-in-law even after knowing what they have done to me. She thinks i am crazy for being rude to them and I should just forget the past and move on because life is too short for all that grieving. I mean WTF!! I was molested, forced child labor, beaten, humiliated on my birthday's in front of 50+ people and she is expecting me to forget all this shit? I feel I will never be able to have sex with anyone because of that pedo molesting me and it has ruined my future, and this woman thinks that I am being too sensitive.

She wants me to be normal with her relatives and treat it as nothing has happened. Even if she has no self-respect but I still have self-respect and I still believe that i deserve human like treatment!!!! My T thinks my mother is most likely to have battered woman's syndrome or ptsd herself (god knows what she has but whatever her behavior be, it is not normal).

Note: I am only living in this house because I haven't got a job yet and I have no where else to live till I find a permanent job because I don't have any support system from friends or family except my T or this forum. So moving out without a job right now is not an option.

So I will wrap this up and ask this question, am I just being stupid enough to expect anything from my mother? Should I not have any emotions relating to how she is enjoying her time with her siblings and my abusers? Am I just waste of time n space or am i wasting my time?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know it feels like a stab in the back when your own mother doesn't event take your side. My grandfather wasn't my abuser, but he was very judgmental and put me down a number of times. My mother never stood up for me. He treated my brother even worse, and she never stood up for him. Mothers are supposed to watch out for their kids and protect them, but not all of them do. It got to a point where I just had to accept that my mom isn't the kind of mom who can show empathy. She never stood up for any of my siblings or I, and I have to accept that this is a shortcoming in her. It really feels like crap, and I can't even say that I've fully accepted it as I still try to fruitlessly "earn" my mother's love, but deep down I know I am never going to get it.

 

[violetclouds]

I too understand this feeling, my mother continued to associate with my abuser (she was one of them but there was another) and not only that but continued to take me as a small child to the house where he lived even after she knew the abuse had happened - I had to see this man every holiday and Christmas for my entire childhood - and your mother (or mine) will probably never understand or change. We can't control them - but we can control ourselves and who we allow into our lives - take care of you. You are valuable and precious - put on this earth for a purpose - and that purpose was NOT to be anyone's dumping ground!

 

[scout86]

That's a complicated question. I think you're hoping for things that the person who is your mother isn't capable of. I think, in an ideal world, your mother would have been a person who was capable of sticking up for you, defending you, and protecting you. I would expect her to be angry with your abusers and to chose you over them. But, the woman who IS your mother doesn't seem to be capable of any of that. I don't know why. I DO know that the problem is with HER, not you. Yeah, she may have battered woman's syndrome, PTSD, and any of a variety of other things. What ever the reason, she can't give you what you want and deserve. I doubt she'll ever be capable of it. Sad, but people rarely change that much, never, if they don't see a need for change.

Because her view of things is kind of messed up, I hope you can get to where you don't take her behavior to heart. I doesn't really MEAN anything because she's pretty messed up. If you can learn to not let her behavior count, maybe she won't be able to hurt you again and again, like it seems she does now.

 

[J_trustno1]

I keep wanting to pick an argument with her like a month ago but there is no point. She will only be calling me a psycho who needs to get electric shocks and will be provoking me to kills her or myself. And I am really tired of trying explain things to her. No matter what I do, nothing goes through her head, either I am not good at explaining or she is not smart enough to understand my point of view. All I know is that she is no where on earth willing to give up her siblings over me and therefore, I have to choose my freedom when I get one over living n being around my mother. In other words, leave this hell and never look back where I am not appreciated for who I am and I am not valued for being myself and treated unfairly.

Lastly, I can't tolerate how she can treat their kids nicely while their kids treat me like garbage. I don't get this entire logic!

 

[joeylittle]

Lastly, I can't tolerate how she can treat their kids nicely while their kids treat me like garbage. I don't get this entire logic!

Dysfunction isn't ever logical. It's frustrating, but dysfunctional families are like upside-down-land. The only way out of them is to leave, get right-side-up, and then decide if you want to have to twist your head around in order to ever talk to them again.

Leaving will be the best thing for you. Meanwhile, you can't get her to somehow be non-dysfunctional in a conversation with you. I think as best you can, you should just not engage. Learn the power of walking away.

 

[J_trustno1]

@joeylittle : thanks for the input. I am struggling to understand her logic. I have been crying the entire day and my mood is getting worse because she is always trying to defend them saying that we cannot change them so you have to change yourself. Now, I am going to change myself. I have already told her that even if I get a job in Auckland, I am not willing to live with her in her house because I can't be around people who promote my abusers and let them into my personal space. I am still treated like a 5 yr old where I have no rights to speak. My 16 yr old cousin is allowed to make me feel shit about myself but I am not allowed to tell them off. My soul is crying, i can't take this torture anymore. I only have two answers one is leave them forever or not live anymore.

 

[joeylittle]

This might sound like a seriously weird suggestion - but have you ever tried earplugs? Not so that you can't hear anything at all, just so that everything sounds fuzzy and muffled and so you can feel like you are "blocking" the words before they get inside your head?

Also - whenever something happens to set off an argument with your mom - can you try saying "I understand" and walking away? It doesn't matter what is being said. You don't actually understand. That's sort of the point. What you are really saying (for your own benefit) is a sentence that would fully go "I understand that you are dysfunctional and I choose otherwise". You only say the first two words out loud, the rest in your head.

I did a version of this to survive working with a very difficult boss, and it actually really helped me. My version for him was "I understand (that you are a narcissistic asshole and I will not be here forever)". When you get good at it, you can freestyle - I understand (that you are batsh*t crazy and I'm turning my back on your mess)...

Because actually arguing within a dysfunctional relationship (which you have with your mom, and your family) is literally pointless. You cannot win. Ever. It's like you are speaking a foreign language, because remember, they live in upside-down-town.

And think about the earplugs.

You need some mental techniques to get you out of the normal pattern here - and it's not because you are "weak" or "giving in" or "letting them win" - it's because you are seriously outnumbered and surrounded by dysfunction.

 

[J_trustno1]

@joeylittle : Thanks. This makes a lot of sense. I have this horrible habit of dwelling over people's words. I take things too personally and to the heart that I end up crying over anything. I react too much too quickly and I haven't gotten my way around this yet. I am making other changes like motivating myself and not giving up but then I start having this fear of future and not being able to achieve much yet. I feel that I am left behind life.

 

[Tanishq]

@J_trustno1 My mother who has gone bad and is very abusive tells me those things. She tells me like I am bad, I am worthless, I have zero money. I understand what you are going through.

People like our mothers are sort of foolish. They thrive on attention. I have stopped giving attention to this mother, it has brought some peace in my life.

There is a quote to deal with foolish people: Never argue with foolish people, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

So here is another hint for you, don't engage with them in arguments. Do your best to avoid her. Whatever she is doing neither healthy for her nor for you. You can't do a single thing for such people. Change is never going to happen in their life.

This year a true mother told me the same thing as @scout86 told me. She told me to move on from this bad mother. She clearly mentioned "your mother is narcissist, she brings more harm to you rather than any good." Since then I started working on moving on, I got little more peace again.

Like you I have also tried telling them, tried every way to bring understanding between us. It never worked, still it doesn't work and I am convinced it will never work. I also tried some inspirational stories and shared wisdom with her, but no help available. I have understood she doesn't want to understand anything and she is very absorbed in her own world. Better I leave.

Our mothers are also human. They are also given choice to make. Good and bad. Sadly they chose bad with a closed eye. We can't change unless they are willing to change in first place.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Tanishq : thanks bhai. You are very right about this. That is why I decided not to bring up an argument today. We haven't argued over her relatives for the past month. I do get irritated and i do start this topic but then I walk away from arguing on that topic because I am now starting to realize that no matter how hard I try yelling my throat off, she won't give up her family over me. I have already told her that I cannot live with her anymore and as soon as I get a job I am moving out even if the job is in Auckland. I am done with tolerating them and their dysfunctions. I am only one person against 30 of them so there is no point in wasting my energy. I have cried today without asking her the same questions I usually ask. Thanks for the help and your message is very concise and clear.