Recognising The Small Positives

[Deleted member 12723]

Reaching out for help and support and getting it when I needed it. Thanks forum friends.

 

[Let It Be]

I'm putting something into practice which is something new for me, but so necessary for me to keep moving forward.

I've spent many years of giving myself away to others, in order to just survive. I'm now at a different place in my life, and now it's time to not let that PTSD cup go empty like it always is.

Today when I went to the store, a former co-worker was coming into the store as I was leaving, and it was like what will my response be to her. She said hi, and so did I, etc. and we both kept walking. I felt like I had just won a Gold medal, because I was taking care of me with no expectations from her or myself, etc. It just felt so different! I was a separate person from her and our past in working together!

I realize I have a long ways to go but I now have the awareness of what I need to do and what it feels like to make this change which for me is very positive. Talk about feeling uncomfortable though too as I shed that layer!

 

[Red Feather]

I just talked to my lawyer... on the phone.. Using the phone, let alone using the phone to call a lawyer is something that is really hard for me. I am patting myself on the back. Breathing. Breathing.

 

[DharmaGirl]

My T said something at the end of a session that made me feel bad, and think that he was an ass. I sent him a humorous email asking him to clarify what he meant. He did. Not trauma, no hating him, no firiing him. Much easier and a first for me.

 

[Let It Be]

After all this time, I believe I have finally come to realize why my neighbor lady has bothered me so much. It is like I have been doing this cross-examining of myself for some time.

I have lived next door to her, like forever, and I guess initially, that she was a "friend". Now, I realize that she is not. She just so happens to live next door to me.

There is a some pain and hurt there for myself, but there is also now the "truth" which in turn sets me free. I no longer have to carry all those emotions about her from the past and there are quite a few, but I no longer have to add to them either!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When bad things happen to me, I get perspective and I learn what I can about the hidden lesson. I can make the adjustments that need to be taken care of.Pick myself up and dust myself off and move on forward still learning and growing. I can use the experience I gained for the next time it happens. It is good to learn and grow. Some lessons are painful and costly. The small positive is that I will go on better than before. I will gain strength and wisdom for the next time and I will apply what I have learned so I do not have to repeat the lesson.

 

[Britt.f7]

I was able to make sure my doctor actually heard me during my medicine appointment today. That he heard what I wanted, needed, and missed over the last two months while we are getting everything adjusted.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a new goal to learn. I want to learn to laugh off the nonsense and not take it personally. I figured this one out today. I really want to do this. I will learn to find the humor in it. I will take baby steps and I figure it will take awhile but I will do it. I feel so good about this.

 

[Britt.f7]

Despite still being couch bound, I carried on a normal conversation with my husband. For some time now, I have been less communicative. I use to be very talkative. I apologized for talking so much, but he said he was glad that I was. That is my small positive for today.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I woke up after not enough sleep, and felt as though I had betrayed myself. This could have turned into a monster for me, but instead of passively letting that happen I got up, turned on my computer and logged onto this site. Am proud of myself now for having been pro-active while still wrapped up in what ever nightmare woke me up feeling so bad towards myself, as I can't usually manage to do this. I need to be kind to me.

 

[Red Feather]

I Drummed With My Fingers.

Today I saw an art therapist. She was really nice. I think I connected with her. I told her about my creative block and about the year long crisis. About how I dissociate every time I want to work on my music, and how about my children do not live with me and how hard it is for me. And that I need to be able to work again so I can face this situation. She like many other therapists I come across, seemed more and more concerned.

I need my art. If I don't have my art I think I will devour myself. She understood that. She asked if I would play music with her and I got a wave of dizzyness/dissociatedness.

We were talking about identity and culture, and how I am so depersonalized and feel like I have no culture, that I have been identifying with PTSD instead. She asked about my sense of space and orientation. I told her I used to sing in special places in order to experience space. She wanted me to tell her on which side of the apartment was the street. She asked in what area of Berlin her apartment was in. I didn't know. I had to think really hard to answer the questions and I started getting dizzy.

She left the room and got a drum and gave it to me. I couldn't play it. :cry: She said maybe if I held it to my ear. I couldn't. She got herself a drum and started moving through the room and asked if I would move across the room too. I moved around the room. I couldn't drum until I finally just stood still and drummed a bit with my fingers to her drumming. I can't imagine why this is so hard for me. But I did it. It feels like I just did an EMDR session or similar. Very exhausted.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Congratulations Nadia. I am happy that you did it after all.