Reconnecting…..Failed. The Surprising Part is I Just Feel Relief.

[EveHarrington]

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about reconnecting with my brother.

I met up with him twice and it went as well as could be expected.

I didn’t like how my brother criticized a number of things about me. I wasn’t too excited about some of his political views. And I REALLY didn’t like how he attempted to diagnose me. I was so upset that I spent a good amount of time with ChatGPT trying to figure this out. To absolutely no one’s surprise, it’s not what he thinks it is, it is just another trauma reaction. Yes, I know that AI is not 100% accurate but I was able to sort out what’s what. This isn’t the first time that someone has told me I have a certain diagnosis and it just lead back to trauma and wasn’t a specific disorder. That time it was verified by my psychiatrist. (But of course my obsessions are ramping up, of course…)

The biggest issue is the pressure that both of my parents have put on me to make things work with my brother. My dad said it was one of his biggest life goals to see my brother and I reconnect again. Never mind the fact that my dad was instrumental in setting in motion the estrangement in the first place. (He takes responsibility for nothing, ever.) My mom puts pressure on me because as the oldest it’s my responsibility to make this work. I am stuck in the middle of everything and all of the pressure is on me. I literally cannot handle it.

Another issue is that before we became estranged, my brother was the one who inserted himself into an argument with my dad’s wife (fiance at the time). He hated how I reacted to him. It was a hell of a day with my dad and his fiance trying to convince my mom to sign over the house (I am not joking here). My dad threatened my mom. Yes, I reacted to that, too because YOU DO NOT THREATEN MY MOM! I’m hella protective of her despite the fact we don’t always get along. When I say “reacted” I don’t mean with anything physical, I reacted by yelling. But the biggest thing was that my dad never told me that I was going to be homeless. He made my mom tell me! (It was a very short notice kind of thing.) If anything, I was under-reacting to this betrayal. And my brother admitted to me just recently that he did not know that my dad had done this to me. So, now we have a situation with my brother butting in to an argument where he was unaware of what the exact issue was and then using my reaction as a reason to shut me out for 8 years. All because of his blind loyalty to my dad and refusal to listen to the truth. There are other lies he believed like the one where my dad told everyone about how my mom was responsible for him losing his home—nope, that was all due to the fact that my mom refused to sign over her home so they (dad + fiance) could buy a home. My dad did not want to do it the right way ie sell old home then buy new home. He wanted the new home without doing any work. (His wife is a gold digger, demanding a new house when she had nothing to her name, not even a job. And yes, my dad is an idiot.)

Ok, I know this is long. My brother has this blind loyalty to my dad and it’s a tad ridiculous. He threw my mom overboard, too, because of the lies my dad told about my mom. I broke down crying the other day in front of my mom and I said “now I know how you feel”….she lost her son in large part because of the lies my dad told.

I know that my brother would believe anything my dad told him about me. I mentally cannot do this, I cannot sit here and wait for it to happen again with my dad manipulating a situation and then losing my brother again when it wasn’t me… I’m not denying that my brother and I don’t have other issues between us, rather I’m saying that the breaking point was a big one and it was because of my dad. I can’t just sit around and wait for it to happen again.

I know I’ll miss my little brother, but this just wasn’t meant to be. And that is ok.

 

[jaccat]

Just wanted to say I sympathise. I've come to understand I can't have a relationship with my sister, no matter how much part of me might want to. And it's all down to history/trauma and her unwillingness to recognise it. It is what it is. Doesn't stop it being sad, though.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry.

I think it's really sad when the actions of people (your dad, mum and others) outside the relationship (with you and your brother), impact the relationship so much.
Same with me and my oldest sister. She can't see the lies or the situation either.

Walking away to protect yourself sounds healthy.
At least you know you tried.

 

[arfie]

dunno. . . seems to this globe trotter that family relationships are what they are, no matter the distance between us. good, bad, mediocre, or only a whisper in my life, those relationships are always with me, even after death.

it's okay to miss your little brother.

 

[PamelaS]

I agree with Movingforward, better to walk away and keep your sanity, than to be loyal. I used boundaries to protect myself for two years before the other person finally got it. Now I’m living in peace and I will not feel sorry about it. Unsafe people are just that, unsafe! Been there done that all of my life. Not going to do it anymore! I hope and pray that you find peace and quiet you need from your family, even if it takes a while.

 

[EveHarrington]

I got a text that called me “toxic” and I was told that I have the goal of undoing his 15 years of therapy. Oh and he yelled at me and asked me what the f*ck was wrong with me for daring to try and clear the air over the argument 8 years ago that lead to him hating me for all this time. I extended an olive branch so many times and was ignored….even during COVID when I had no idea if he had any support. Oh, and the “what the f*ck is wrong with you?” was asked after he listed his 5 mental health diagnoses and told me that he has daily suicidal ideation, so how dare I bring up the past? The few times I saw him he seemed fine and he NEVER told me that every day he wants to kill himself. I suppose I should be a mind reader? I don’t think his treatment is working if every day he wants to die.

I dunno, am I supposed to go tit for tat and list my diagnoses like they are my whole damn personality? It’s not like he gave a damn about me when I was in the throes of PTSD hell. I just see this theme of everything revolving around him. And don’t even get me started on how he talks so much about “masking”. This is another therapy speak term I hate. So, he masks….and then blames everyone else for not understanding what’s going on with him?! How does THAT work?

And ugh just ugh. I know he’s going to go to his therapist and tell her about this and she will just say I’m “toxic” and it’s a good idea to stay away. The problem is that he does this repeatedly and as a result is largely alone in the world. He makes zero effort to even resolve problems as that’s the current therapy solution. Therapists tell you BS like throw the whole person away! They are toxic! instead of encouraging conflict resolution.

Yeah, I’m so toxic over bringing up the argument that caused him to throw me away, where he didn’t fully understand what was going on as he just injected himself into an argument with me and another person. I guess I’m just supposed to ignore it all. I’m supposed to be ok with him not apologizing to me for his role in all of this. F*cking victim assss mentality where he does no wrong and it’s always the other persons fault.

Good luck to him.

And oh, my dad told me “all it takes is one person reaching out and apologizing.” Thanks for the pressure, dad, but my brother most likely has me blocked.