Recovering From Ptsd, Spouse Showing Resentment Over Past

[TeaLeaf]

I am having a hard time coping with complaints and criticisms from my husband. He's been building anger and resentment for years and starting this year has been a lot more vocal. A lot of the things he is unhappy about are things that directly have to do with the PTSD and depression like not being able to be an active listener, respond to his needs and fulfill commitments around the house and with friends and family. The thing is, I didn't know he was so unhappy about certain things until he started actually telling me how hurt and angry he was. I'm angry because I feel like I am being punished for things I wasn't fully aware of. And maybe if he did actually tell me how much it bothered him I wouldn't have been able to change and step up then anyway?

He put his own needs aside more than he should of and is now resentful of not getting his needs met. I understand the anger and am doing my best to not get defensive and really listen. At the same time, I feel overwhelmed, beaten down and sad by all the negative energy in our relationship.

I sometimes feel like our relationship was happier and more calm when my PTSD was really bad. I just hate feeling like I am doing so much better and now my relationship is really hard.

Has anyone else been there and have been able to work through and whether it?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

One thing that almost immediately came to my mind as I read this post, was that you obviously love each other very much. That is a great starting point to start solving this from.

As you, your husband and probably almost any other PTSD sufferer will know, it is an extremely frustrating illness. The world is still the same, but we can no longer see it that way. I personally often feel like a normal, happy life is right there in plain sight, but I just cannot seem to grasp it.

And I hear you on those feelings of sadness about all the pain and negative energy there is in your relationship. Of course it was easier when your PTSD was really bad: such pediods are extremely tough, but at least you both have approximately the same needs. Now that you're doing better (which is great!)
, you both are no longer on the same 'wave length'. It takes a lot of time and effort to adjust to that,along with trying to get by with PTSD.

Reading about your situation makes me think you two need a translator rather than a mediator. You obviously both want the same thing, but it's like you're both communicating through a different language. Have you considered couples' therapy? It might be good to have an unbiased party do the back-and-forth translation of how you both feel, rather than trying to fix things through your own blur that is PTSD. Does that make any sense?

 

[CK6312]

I think couples therapy would be beneficial for you both. I've been through it a few times my self. It really helps having someone else's perspective on how you both are feeling. It might be worth a shot.

 

[Springer80]

I'm angry because I feel like I am being punished for things I wasn't fully aware of. And maybe if he did actually tell me how much it bothered him I wouldn't have been able to change and step up then anyway?
He put his own needs aside more than he should of and is now resentful of not getting his needs met.

The thing is all the thing's he feels let down about,...I bet you can say that you would have done them at the time if you could have managed them. You didn't do them because it as beyond you then. So even if he had said at the time what would that have done? It definitely would have got it off his chest and maybe it wouldn't have turned into this bitter seed for him. But would you really have been able to suddenly escape the grip your illness had on you? You may have been able to talk about it and apologise and that may have changed things in terms of all this happening now.

Perhaps the very reason he didn't say was because he was aware you couldn't step up to those things anyway.

The things we do!!! :rolleyes:

 

[TeaLeaf]

Thanks for the replies, we have been in couples therapy for some time. It's been difficult but helpful. I'm glad things are coming up and I am also having a hard time not feeling pummeled by all the anger.

Snowwhite- I like what you said about not being on the same wavelength, that's a great way to put it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Both long term relationships I've been in collapsed under the strain of my PTSD. I ran away from both. They were decent, kind, interesting men. They both still live in the homes they've had for over 30 years. I run away every ten years or so, in fact I'm planning another move now.

 

[seedling]

My husband and I had our worst fight when things started to get better for me. It was absolutely awful but he got a lot of his anger out that he had held back when I was worse. He saw afterwards that I really wanted to stay and wanted him and then that's what he was so fearful about.
My silence and distance had him thinking and feeling I didn't care. The truth was that at the time I couldn't talk and knew I couldn't and couldn't do anything about it but to keep going to treatment.

Glad you are in counseling. Maybe this is a time when there's enough "room" for him to voice his feelings. It's so tough, hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My husband once he got himself into rehab once share with me that an expectation is a premeditated resentment. Sounds like your husband is co dependent and he is on the persecutor side of the triangle. He sounds like he is the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor.

I could be way off wrong here because I do not know him.

I am so glad you are in counseling together. Sounds like he has been stuffing his feelings for a very long time.

The dynamic is similar to when a alcoholic stops drinking and gets help and starts to get better, the partner starts to rage at the alcoholic. I do not know why this happens but it does.

I am very sad that he is getting so very angry at you right now. He needs help very badly right now it appears. I hope the counseling helps you both to reconnect and re learn how to effectively communicate. I imagine you both want the same things but your communication is off between the both of you.

Would he be willing to read Co Dependent No More by Melody Beattie? It is a very good book and explains so many things he has been going through. Just a thought. I wish the very best of healing and recovery for the both of you.