Sufferer Recovery sucks. childhood and adult sexual abuse.

[CaraG]

Hello, I am new here but not new to trauma. I am a survivor of childhood and adult sexual abuse. I am currently trying a new therapy called Somatic therapy. After going through EMDR and I think it re-traumatized me. Through EMDR what I thought was one person when I was a child turned into three. So, I quit that left my counselor of ten years. To find something different. I did and that Counselor was not good. Found another one. So far it's good. She got me to cry within ten sessions. I told her it was a new record. I don't cry easily. The intrusive thoughts and the flashbacks have gotten worse. It's doesn't help that I repressed everything. Every intrusive thought, every flashback is insight into my abuse as a child. I remember things I never remembered before that can sometimes cause me a lot of emotional. I am 34 started remembering when I was 17. I want recovery. I want healing. I want freedom. I want a long last romantic relationship that isn't plagued by my flashbacks. I want my job to be unaffected because I hear trauma everyday in my job. I don't know how long I can keep going at this rate. I have fear that I will become Humpty Dumpty. I will break and no one will be able to put me back together again.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! I found EMDR to be destabilizing and not very helpful but somatic experiencing a lot more effective.

Are you and your therapist doing much work on containment or grounding skills to help manage and reduce symptoms between sessions?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Hello, I am new here but not new to trauma. I am a survivor of childhood and adult sexual abuse. I am cur...

Filling in the blanks is never fun when they became blanks to protect you in the first place. My emdr has been positive so far, but we do such small chunks and if my mind goes somewhere that I am not ready for, she redirects me. I am sorry yours made it worse! Hopefully this new type will be better for you. Glad you found the site! I have made some good friends here that understand the challenges of working, living and managing ptsd.

 

[CaraG]

Welcome to the forums! I found EMDR to be destabilizing and not very helpful but somatic experiencin...

My therapist does a lot of grounding with me, but for the life of me it doesn't work as well when I am alone. Some thing that has really helped , I think it is called polarity points don't quote me. Like placing your hand on your stomach and the other of your chest and you can use your forehead. For my it's my lower stomach and chest and just this sense of less tension comes over me. I close my eyes and it's really great. Even if it's just for a few seconds. I also get to push her a lot. We stand face to face like boxers and she puts her hands out and I place my hands against her and push her back until my arms are fully extended. It's empowering and stress relieving. Who can say they get to push their therapist around.

 

[CaraG]

Filling in the blanks is never fun when they became blanks to protect you in the first place. My emdr h...

I disassociate in horrible ways. I had EMDR found out there was more than one person involved in my abuse and disassociated my way through almost a whole week then went on vacation and didn't feel like myself again until I saw the ocean.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

 

[ladee]

Welcome Cara, hope the new therapy helps... sometimes we have to try a lot of different things to find what works best for us...you sound like me, at the begining, all I wanted to do was hit something... not someone, thank goodness.... but I was a ticking time bomb... so hopefully you can find something physical to do also, that will help relieve some of the pressure....

Glad you found us... hope to see you around.

 

[CaraG]

Welcome Cara, hope the new therapy helps... sometimes we have to try a lot of different things to find wh...

I work out. I do an Arc trainer and lift weights.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[Ann]

Hello, I am new here but not new to trauma. I am a survivor of childhood and adult sexual abuse. I am cur...

Cara, we are more like the mythological Phoenix than Humpty Dumpty:

As the end of its life approached, the Phoenix would build a pyre nest
of aromatic branches and spices such as myrrh, set it on fire, and be
consumed in the flames. After three days the Phoenix arises from
its own ashes. According to some sources, the Phoenix arose from t
he midst of the flames."

The only way out of this is through, in my experience. My mind has often thought I was going insane, breaking into pieces. But there was also an instinct in my gut, saying "keep going, this is the right direction." It's a process much like fasting for health.

When a person has been eating lots of bad food for a long time, it stores up in the body. They may feel fine, but the body is becoming toxic. If the person were to fast for a few days, as the body gets rid of the toxins the person will feel sick, as if the fasting is making them sick. I want to encourage you. There are many ancient myths about the hero's journey, and that's what you are in the middle of.

The hero must go into the Underworld, find the priceless treasure, and return with it to earth. The treasure is real. It is our original innocence, intact.

I just read a great article re "The Hero's Journey" in mythology. I can't post the link here, but in case you're interested, google "the hero's journey + joseph campbell" & you'll probably find it easily. My life has been a journey from darkness to light, and much in world mythology describes our lives.
The unbearable stuff being triggered is finite, don't be afraid of it. When it comes for me I breathe, that's all, I surrender, I let my body deal with it. Copious tears that feel like vomiting. I allow it, when I can.
As it passes, and it always does, we move one step close to our own self. One layer of poison eliminated, is how it feels.

 

[CaraG]

I don't believe we will ever find our innocence intact if it is taken from us. I feel like I have recovered a lot, so much I don't come in here very often. The massive gaping festering wound in my soul is pretty much gone. I forgave and I accepted it. It sounds extremely simple but it took 17 years to get there.
It finally hit me. I am the only one suffering from this. I am the only one haunted by this. It made me upset then I dealt with it and forgave. By no means did I win my innocence back. I just regained my life back.

 

[Ann]

I don't believe we will ever find our innocence intact if it is taken from us. I feel like I have recover...

I often think of the Russian nesting dolls -- the doll inside of a doll inside of a doll, and they come apart, inside is a smaller, and snaller, until finally there is the smallest. The tiniest doll is the first, before the abuse. Her head does not separate from her body. She is all one piece, and she is not empty inside. Our original self remains intact, it can not be stolen or ruined, only forgotten, buried, ignored. This is my personal experience -- I understand if it is not yours -- but I believe it is true, universally so.