Relapse, I just need to vent

[SophieBernstein]

I don't know how to start talking about this, I guess it's just to vent. I've been in relapse since November but I've still been coping.

Each time it gets worse, my body goes numb, I have panic attacks, I feel like I'm dying... but the worst is definitely the depression.
Nothing seems to matter to me, I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm literally suffering all day. No matter what I do, even when I distract myself, I have a feeling of suffering inside me, a pain that keeps getting worse. I don't have therapy because they discharged me and I don't want to ask because I feel like a complete failure, I'm ashamed of myself.

I've done everything, I was stable for a year, I did everything right, I studied, made friends, exercised, ate healthy, therapy... yet I'm still falling apart. It's completely despairing, I don't know what to do, I've tried everything and nothing works in the end.

I maintain my daily life as if nothing's wrong, I'm the happiest but I'm suffering and it's getting harder and harder. I have constant thoughts of death, of resting, and I take several lorazepam pills because I need to escape, I need to rest but I can't. I see no way out. I can still bear this, but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like I'm falling again, that I need help, but it will be useless. That I need some help but I'm afraid. I've failed so many times that going through it again seems pathetic to me. I disappoint myself, I disgust myself. I'm nothing but trash.

I know I'll probably find a way despite everything as I've done before and I'll keep on living, planning, and living but I hope this time is different and I can just rest. I just want to rest, I just want to be like everyone else. Why can't I be like everyone else? I'm sorry for the text, I needed to vent since I pretend to always be fine to not worry anyone, my family have suffered enough because of me.

Thank you all...

 

[Survivor3]

Your not trash, your a human being that needs care. What do you mean? You don't have therapy because they discharged you? Can you pay privately for therapy? Or can't you afford it?

The term "Relapse" is usually associated with drugs or alcohol. Do you use any of these?

What's your support system like? Family/friends?

 

[SophieBernstein]

I was fine, so my therapist told me I didn't need him. I'm now trying to find a new therapist because I don't want to go back to the last one and tell him how I am; I feel like a complete failure. But I also don't want to find another because I feel it will be pointless.

It's just depression, I think. I don't use drugs or anything. I have no support system. I pretend I'm fine by making jokes and making everyone happy, but I'm literally suffering. I was doing well; I don't know what happened. I'm so tired of this. Sorry, English is not my first language. I thought I was finally out of this situation, but I just fell back into it. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

 

[Friday]

That's the "lifelong" aspect to PTSD.

New trauma, stress, or loss of coping mechanisms? Or just because it's Tuesday? CAN bring everything back OR "just" cause a little spike for a few days/weeks/months OR glide on by not touching you.

It doesn't make you a shit person, it makes you a person with PTSD.

<chuckling> Wanna be "like everyone else"? You already are, as everyone has their own struggles & challeges. Some we can see (wheelchair, Down's syndrome, burn victim, etc), and some we can't (cancer, death of a child, etc). Most people? Have many challenges & struggles. And want to be "like everyone else", too.

Not trying to kill your vent. More raising a glass & saying "I hate this shit, too!" Strength to you. And don't let the bastards grind you down!

 

[SophieBernstein]

If this is a lifelong aspect of PTSD, I'm not sure I want to life like this. Waiting knowing than at some point, I'm going to be like this or worse no matter what I do.
I've been suffering too much. I've been in the psychiatric ward four times, and my life has been one that no one would choose. It's been completely awful, with friends attacking me for my illnesses and making fun of them. My life was a mess; I couldn't do anything at all. I was completely dependent, and I was a burden for my family. I know they suffered a lot because of me. The ambulance came for me several times, and so did the police because I was out of control. I'm not even supposed to have PTSD anymore because I don't fit the criteria after all the therapy I've done. Then, I was doing great, i was doing everything fine but I started feeling worse with no reason and now I'm feeling like a piece of crap with a lot of pain, and I don't even know why. Could this be because of CPTSD? If I try EMDR, could it help me break free from it? I need something to change because it's only getting worse if I do nothing. Thanks you so much

 

[sidptitala]

It sounds like going back to therapy might be a good idea for you if that's possible.

I've done everything, I was stable for a year, I did everything right

This is not actually a very long time to be ok. For some people, recovering for a short period of time might be permanent but not for everyone. And it's not your fault and not something to be ashamed of. The fact that you started feeling bad again in November means that you haven't got to the point you are in now overnight.

I would really try not to look at developing symptoms again as a failure. That year of functioning well was real, it doesn't cancel out because you need help again. I would imagine recovery is closer for you now than it was before, because you've already done a lot of work towards it. It's really hard to stay free of PTSD symptoms completely on your own.

About emdr, I found it really helpful myself (although I'm not cured of PTSD, it's just better)

 

[Friday]

If this is a lifelong aspect of PTSD, I'm not sure I want to life like this. Waiting knowing than at some point, I'm going to be like this or worse no matter what I do.

You'd rather ALWAYS be symptomatic, rather than have years and decades asymptomatic?

To me, knowing I can spike symptoms "just" let's me plan for it, and plan around it. So most of the time it doesn't impact my life at all, but if it does? I ALSO know exactly what to do, to start managing symptoms back dooooown, and get on top of things, again.

Could this be because of CPTSD? If I try EMDR, could it help me break free from it?

Yes.

 

[Sideways]

Relapses are incredibly frustrating. But remember that you’re never back at square one. All the tools you learned to get stable the first time round - you already have those under your belt, ready to go.

I maintain my daily life as if nothing's wrong

Maybe this is part that isn’t working for you? Are you able to be flexible with your expectations of yourself and your self care when you’re struggling?

That I need some help but I'm afraid.

Needing help when an illness flares up is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need help at times. You’re entitled to ask for help, to make this relapse as short as possible.

 

[Friday]

Needing help when an illness flares up is nothing to be ashamed of.

Maybe this is part that isn’t working for you? Are you able to be flexible with your expectations of yourself and your self care when you’re struggling?

Strong 2nd Very much ^^these^^ @SophieBernstein

 

[SophieBernstein]

It sounds like going back to therapy might be a good idea for you if that's possible.



This is not actually a very long time to be ok. For some people, recovering for a short period of time might be permanent but not for everyone. And it's not your fault and not something to be ashamed of. The fact that you started feeling bad again in November means that you haven't got to the point you are in now overnight.

I would really try not to look at developing symptoms again as a failure. That year of functioning well was real, it doesn't cancel out because you need help again. I would imagine recovery is closer for you now than it was before, because you've already done a lot of work towards it. It's really hard to stay free of PTSD symptoms completely on your own.

About emdr, I found it really helpful myself (although I'm not cured of PTSD, it's just better)

I know but I'm so tired of this, It feels like if i will never be funtional again or If ever am functional it won't last long.... and i'm completely alone with no friends or family to support... thanks you very much, i'm crying a lot right now because this forum os the only support i have now. I'll try to have therapy again.

 

[sidptitala]

@SophieBernstein I understand the way you feel, so please know you are not alone. If you have benefited from therapy before you are in a good position to benefit again. Recovery isn't always smooth, but it doesn't mean you are not making progress in the long term.

Some times I think the more you need to recover, the longer recovery takes.

 

[SophieBernstein]

@SophieBernstein I understand the way you feel, so please know you are not alone. If you have benefited from therapy before you are in a good position to benefit again. Recovery isn't always smooth, but it doesn't mean you are not making progress in the long term.

Some times I think the more you need to recover, the longer recovery takes.

Thanks you so much, I talked with my T and my parents, I'm in treatment again.
We will se what happens with me