Relapsed

[Casey_03]

Insanely, profoundly depressed. I relapsed yesterday after something an ex-boyfriend said stung. Drank a bottle of vodka, some whiskey, wine, beer, you name it. Feel utterly destroyed today, morally and emotionally. And it's my birthday. I failed and I hate myself for it. I feel like I'm not even a part of humanity anymore. Feels like I'm already done, already dead. And yet I wake up each morning forced to carry this empty vessel around.

 

[Changing4Best]

I did something I regret also, though I have no idea what triggered it. My "drug" of choice is food. And I ate a brownie. I have not had one of those since I cannot recall when. I hate myself for this. I then went overboard and ate a chocolate covered "health" bar.

So what can you and I do to end this trend? I don't have any brownies or chocolate stuff in the house except some diet chocolate that Hershey's makes which has no sugar in it. Real chocolate tastes a lot better, and I don't cheat with these Hershey's thing either.

I keep wondering what set me off. I have not done anything like this in ages! All I can think of is that I have been having these strange moods. I am going through a medicine change and I think that may have contributed to this thing.

So, I guess you and I need to pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and do our best to stay away from our respective trouble substances.
I will pray for you. I hope you will pray for me too.

 

[darrenS]

im sorry to hear your relapsed, the best thing you can do is pick yourself and get on with it. When people upset us and we react in this way , do you think they care ? more than likely most want to run a mile from us , as they have no idea how to handle self destructive reactions. You need to invest some value in yourself , so that when your faced with such a situation and you can overcome and not blow yourself up.

In reality what is a birthday ? its simply the day we were born and way too much weight is placed upon it, it can also be used another excuse to feel bad. I do suffer the same reactions although alcohol is not my drug of choice. Whenever i am faced with such a reaction , i go for a long long walk , a good physical walk can reduce the feelings and allow your brain to get some normality back.

i understand the feeling of emptiness however placing our value on another person reactions is a true recipe for disaster. I suggest you reach out to someone , preferably a professional that can help you put things back into perspective

 

[darrenS]

also i remember you stating you took a war correspondents position , do you truly think you will survive the whole situation being in the state you are , again it is becoming more than obvious you need to do some hard work to get back on track. Its also obvious you are skilled and intelligent, please use your intelligence to pick yourself up, not beat yourself down further

 

[Casey_03]

@darrenS Thank you, you're exactly right that I shouldn't self-destruct over someone else's actions. I guess that's why I feel worse about it -- I know how stupid it was and this is exactly the sort of behavior I'm trying to stop. Also, I did accept the war correspondent's position. It has occurred to me that I'm not in a good place right now to be doing it, but, unfortunately, now that I've taken it, there's no going back -- my current job has already cancelled my visa, which I'd need to stay in this country. The only other option is going back to the states, but for me that's not really an option - I've no money saved up and nowhere to live there (circumstances which would be just as detrimental to my stability as the new job, I think). I guess my logic with the new job was to remove myself from a city that I think has become toxic for me. And they are offering more money, so I'll actually be able to eat more than a few eggs a day. Honestly, I'm not sure how much of my stress is caused by constantly having to worry about how I'm going to feed myself tomorrow. But I do appreciate your point about it being ridiculously stressful to work in a warzone. All I can do is try to stay afloat there, and if that fails, ...I don't even know. @SheilaKathy Thank you for your warm words. It always helps to know there's someone out there who understands.

 

[Born to Run]

Please take good care of yourself. You are not a failure, you do have to get in a better place to survive the new job. I understand so well your last sentence, the f*cking waking up every day.

 

[sun seeker]

(((Casey))) I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm very depressed today too. The one thing I would say to you is you relapsed, but that doesn't mean all your efforts are for nothing. It's a glitch, not the end. Tomorrow will be another day. It must be getting close to tomorrow already in Russia.

I'm sorry you had such a lousy birthday.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel like I have been relapsing too. I thank you for posting this. I am working really hard to get myself back on track, trying to stop the negative self talk. Doing my best to ground. The one thing I keep trying to remember (because I know it is my truth), is that relapse, for me, usually means that I am healing something and moving beyond a critical piece of my 'issues'.

You have a great opportunity going on....you will grasp it, I know you will. It is a ton of big adjustments to be doing what you are doing, so there is bound to be shifting internally. I raise my coffee cup to you, wink, give you a knowing smile and whisper, "I believe in you". Onwards....today is another day. :hug:

 

[darrenS]

seeing as you have accepted the position , do you have a plan on how to cope ? i do understand the new environment etc will give you a break from your depression etc , dangerous places have a tendency to allow us to forget about a lot of things if that is what we are drawn too. Do you have a person in the Ukraine that can cover your back so to speak, do you have or can you foster some basic support when you get there.

I know what its like to step into a dangerous place alone, but i also know that the relief from the change of scenery will not last forever. I truly hope you have a colleague or someone that can offer even the most basic of friendship etc.

Please take care Casey - and if you have no one there , then i would suggest fostering some healthy friendships here in the hope that an email or text message can exchanged if possible on a regular basis so you have something when you are there and in need of an ear.

I also understand that in a lot of places like warzones , and failed or very corrupt societies , that you cannot trust anyone , as it truely is a real game of survival - good luck and please look after yourself , and as always feel free to reach out at anytime

 

[Chava]

I shouldn't self-destruct over someone else's actions. I guess that's why I feel worse about it -- I know how stupid it was and this is exactly the sort of behavior I'm trying to stop.

Are you an alcoholic? That's the part that self-destructs over anything. You're not a failure. I used to drink into a crazy blackout over....(I don't remember now). Fact was I'd probably drink over anything, whatever the next thing was. The trick is getting through those initial triggers and if you do...you will feel stronger, more empowered, and like you have some bit of control over this. Without the drinking, the first few times you cross these triggers you might want to crawl out of your skin. Just notice what happens and what else you can do...and next time it will be easier. Come on here and rant before you drink.

I've been there many times, in and out of hospitals, rehab, detox. Every time I thought it would be different. I got sick of seeing how I was doing the same thing over and over. No little bottle of vodka was every enough. I had to get blackout drunk and was just hoping to do that and never have consequences...that never happened. Hang in there!! It's not all over and you're still part of humanity because I'm relating to everything you say. You're not a bad person. I'm not either. The struggle to find ways to cope beyond alcohol is HARD but it is absolutely possible. Sometimes we slip. Then we get up again. You haven't failed.

 

[Casey_03]

@Chava, Thank you! That does make me feel better. I think my mistake was that because I was able to give up drinking without AA (I went several months without a drink), the alcoholic part of my brain kept whispering, "You don't have a drinking problem. You've clearly got it under control and can handle a drink." But then, of course, once I drank a little bit I just went overboard and wanted to drink everything I could. That seems to be very typical of alcoholics in the early stages of recovery. I will start going to AA; hopefully that will help. @darrenS Thank you again, I appreciate your concern and insight on this topic. Fortunately, I do have friends out there, oddly enough, even more than I currently have in Moscow. Most of them have been covering the conflict there for months already, so they should be very supportive and able to offer much-needed advice once I'm there. A lot of people who I don't even know have already contacted me to offer their contact info should I need help at all; it's refreshing. I will also still be doing therapy sessions, albeit maybe not as consistently as now.

 

[Chava]

But then, of course, once I drank a little bit I just went overboard and wanted to drink everything I could.

I relate to this. I was never a daily drinker. But once I started drinking it's like a switch turned. I drank until I blacked out, nearly every single time....at least if I was drinking the way I wanted to. I could go a couple weeks, a couple months. I could even be feeling pretty good about life. Didn't matter....if I had a little bit to drink I'd be climbing the walls if I couldn't get more to finish me off. I no longer even think about drinking. I have no dreams of having one glass of wine because WHAT IS THE POINT OF ONE GLASS OF WINE? When I'm really honest with myself, what I really really wanted was to be able to get totally drunk without any consequences. Well, I just don't have that sort of control over the universe. Things just kept going badly and I always woke up feeling horrible...all for that small moment of "ahhh..." when I first started drinking or the shorter and shorter periods of actually enjoying the buzz before I was insanely drunk.

That seems to be very typical of alcoholics in the early stages of recovery.

Relapse is not uncommon. Going overboard sort of sounds like an alcoholic at any stage. I'm sure if I started drinking today I'd go overboard. I have to be careful with my sleeping pills because those aren't working right so I find it's very easy for me to just swallow another...and another...

I will start going to AA; hopefully that will help

If that's helpful to you, find a group you like and stick to it. I like AA. It's structured but friendly. It's a good way for me to be around people. But it's also helped me stay sober because I don't slip into fooling myself that I'll somehow drink like a normal person now. I never got the God stuff well, but a good friend explained how the language doesn't fit my own language of spirituality. Nobody is telling you what "god" to connect to. The support has been very helpful. It's one of few places I feel like I fit in and can also talk about some difficult stuff. It helps a lot to see that others live good sober lives...that it's possible. Some meetings just suck, just like any human organization can have pockets of fundamentalism or chaos. I really like the group I go to weekly though. If it helps and they are available, go to several meetings a week starting out. Find people you can call when you have the urge to drink. That helped me a lot in my first few months and it was NOT my style to reach out for support (still isn't), but they made it easy for me. I never felt guilty about asking for support...it's just what we do for each other.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. It's a new day.