Relationship after years of sexual abuse

[Givrali]

I start to really want to have a girlfriend. I need having that special kind of person with me.

Except the only romantic thing i had was one side love and being sexually abused by my brother.

I don't even know what I can handle.

Where do I start to work towards having a girlfriend in the future?

 

[Friday]

Where do I start to work towards having a girlfriend in the future?

How are you at making friends?

 

[Givrali]

How are you at making friends?

Not so good

 

[Survivor3]

Do you mind if I ask....are you male or female?

It's more important to have friends than all of your energy put into 1 person with a "romantic/sexual" relationship. And in order to truly love other people you have to have healthy love for yourself.

I like @Friday 's answer, try just making friends with people and see what happens.

I haven't had a romantic relationship for 2 decades but over the last few years I have made friends with people which has been great.

 

[Skywatcher]

I hope that you don’t consider the sexual abuse as a “romantic” thing. I know it can all get confusing though. You probably loved your brother, but what he did was not okay. Hopefully, a healthy relationship with yourself and friends will come first.

 

[Givrali]

I have to love myself first, ok I'll never date anymoe so
I'm a woman
I do have friends but it's not the same
I perfectly know what my brother did to me in nowhere around love
My brain completely confuses actual love with abuse when it comes to affection

 

[Friday]

Not so good

Then that would be the place to start IME/IMO. Get comfortable looking for interesting people, and asking them out to do things. A coffee. An event. To a meal. Build up some self confidence in your own ability to evaluate people & situations & comfortable with yourself in those arcs.

It doesn’t mean you have to be a social butterfly (ever). It’s simply practice. With the side benefits of building up a network of friends/acquaintances, and introducing you to more people you might form romantic attachments with.

A lot of people bypass that step & go straight for dating/hookup apps. Which is a totally justifiable option, as well.

 

[Movingforward10]

Have you tried to date?
Don't know where you are in the world, but maybe try an app or a singles event?

 

[Givrali]

I drink something with two people I met in a applications for dating. First with a girl who visibly didn't enjoyed our meeting irl.
The second was a boy who was nice and seeming more interested in me. We spent more time that expected and I was curious about kissing in the lips so I asked.
Except he understood with the tongue and I wasn't ready for that.
I planned to meet again the boy but my father died around this time and I said him I didn't to date while mourning. I made the fatal mistake to delete the application in my phone and was never able to find him again

This is my complete experience in dating

I'm a bisexual woman in case you want to know more specifically

 

[Rose White]

I have to love myself first, ok I'll never date anymoe

This is not true and not even what S3 said

in order to truly love other people you have to have healthy love for yourself.

You do NOT have to love yourself before dating. However, working on loving yourself can improve the relationships you have with other people.

I am not currently dating but I know the pain of dating while mired in PTSD symptoms, of masking, of trying to share little balloon drops of my story, of sharing too much, of people coming on too strong to me, of people shrinking back from me. It’s all very hard.

I also know the pain of having no friends and not knowing how to begin finding them. And then finding them and getting burned or ghosted.

But I also know that my urge to isolate makes it very difficult to maintain a dating relationship. My self-punishment blocks me from reaching out. My grief blocks me from… ??? Being pleasant?

Anyway… point is that waiting until you love yourself? Or any other way you imagine yourself better—For me, if I didn’t drink, have SI, pick my skin, have OCD, have PTSD then I could date—which is all lies. Waiting until you are “perfect” feeds into the lie that you need to be perfect and that perfect is even a possibility, and that sets you right back into the cycle of self-defeat.

Focusing on friendships and social clubs seems to be the way to go—easier said than done I know!

 

[Givrali]

This is not true and not even what S3 said

You do NOT have to love yourself before dating. However, working on loving yourself can improve the relationships you have with other people.

I am not currently dating but I know the pain of dating while mired in PTSD symptoms, of masking, of trying to share little balloon drops of my story, of sharing too much, of people coming on too strong to me, of people shrinking back from me. It’s all very hard.

I also know the pain of having no friends and not knowing how to begin finding them. And then finding them and getting burned or ghosted.

But I also know that my urge to isolate makes it very difficult to maintain a dating relationship. My self-punishment blocks me from reaching out. My grief blocks me from… ??? Being pleasant?

Anyway… point is that waiting until you love yourself? Or any other way you imagine yourself better—For me, if I didn’t drink, have SI, pick my skin, have OCD, have PTSD then I could date—which is all lies. Waiting until you are “perfect” feeds into the lie that you need to be perfect and that perfect is even a possibility, and that sets you right back into the cycle of self-defeat.

Focusing on friendships and social clubs seems to be the way to go—easier said than done I know!

In a near future befriending before dating men won't work I think because ptsd. So I'll try looking for nice girls

I
Yeah I misread. But appreciating myself will already takes forever

 

[Rose White]

befriending before dating men won't work I think because ptsd. So I'll try looking for nice girls

What do you mean befriending men won’t work because of the ptsd?

I’m bisexual too and also date both. PTSD affects relationships regardless of gender, wouldn’t you agree?