Relationship Struggles (long)

[Accalia]

Hey all. I haven't been active here in a looong time. Not since late September last year. I kinda forgot about this site.

I think I'm finally healing. The most recent assault remains to be December 25th, 2013. I've been through.... -counts with fingers-
7 therapists since then, and 6 of them have said I am not ready for trauma work - my PTSD is too severe - they're worried about doing work. Etc. You know the drill, I'm sure.
Only last month (August) have I finally found someone who thinks I'm ready for trauma work, and that's what I've been doing...finally. But now I'm wondering if the previous therapists were right about me not being ready.

I have noticed that whenever I'm not being abused, I become the abuser. Only emotional, but that still is damaging. And it frightens the crap out of me to the point that I don't want to be safe. I don't want to hurt others, but it seems to be automatic for me.
I got a boyfriend a few weeks ago, and he is very safe and he is amazing...I noticed I couldn't handle a safe relationship. It ended last week because he couldn't find an emotional spark. He said he felt numb..and cold. And I really don't like the sound of that :( Has my trauma history made me reserved enough that I can't reach out to men? I really like him - but once he told me that, about the numbness, I ended the relationship. I wanted to avoid hurting him, because I foresaw that he would start getting attached to me, and I would remain distant - and then it would really hurt him.

Ugh I don't usually rant like this.
I don't know what to do...am I really that messed up? I haven't been able to find a counsellor yet who hasn't exclaimed about the "extent of my trauma history". Kind of a weird thing to hear after all this time of convincing myself it wasn't that bad.
Am I just not ready for a relationship? I want one...

 

[digger]

I got a boyfriend a few weeks ago, and he is very safe and he is amazing...I noticed I couldn't handle a safe relationship. It ended last week because he couldn't find an emotional spark. He said he felt numb..and cold. And I really don't like the sound of that :( Has my trauma history made me reserved enough that I can't reach out to men? I really like him - but once he told me that, about the numbness, I ended the relationship. I wanted to avoid hurting him, because I foresaw that he would start getting attached to me, and I would remain distant - and then it would really hurt him.

Bit confused...I'm not sure if I'm just not reading this right. He is saying that he numb and cold and unemotional, is that right? Wouldn't that be his inability to feel that is the issue, rather than you? Or do you think you have done something to make him this way?

Why do you feel he would get attached to you? Is that something that's happened before in a relationship?

Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm wondering if you're maybe projecting some of your stuff, or previous experiences, onto him...

How did he take you ending the relationship and your reasons for doing so?

 

[Accalia]

Sorry - I wasn't clear there. There's a bit more to it.
But basically he felt like I was cold, and I can understand that. I'm not projecting anything - it's just how I was. I'm so reserved I can't even make an emotional connection...and it's pretty clear if he stated that he couldn't feel anything.

He said he felt like sometimes he could get a spark and feel a connection, but something would happen - like a trigger, or a...anything. And then he would feel me get reserved and feel like he did all that work for nothing.
I don't think I'm making any sense.

And yes - I can imagine he would have gotten more attached as time progressed. But if he got attached to me, and I didn't get attached to him...then it's a 1-sided relationship that will only hurt him.
I think he understood why I broke it off

 

[Julie50]

As a 21 year spouse of a man with a very traumatic childhood who didn't deal with it (supressed it) and whose PTSD emerged after more recent trauma, there's definitely value in you getting further in to your recovery before you search for a relationship both for their sakes and for yours.....you deserve a great relationship. ..hold out for it!