Replaying

[Muttly]

So for folks who get into relationships that replay abuse scenarios or in otherwise put themselves in situations that is replaying and perpetuating the cycle of trauma, why do you do it? And how do you break the pattern?

 

[Ronin]

This will be interesting to see if I can concise it up. ;)

So responding to the non abuse part.
Why do I do it? Varies.
Some of it? Good things. Protecting people because I know the people I'm dealing with and my limits, which is all I need to know & safer to be around or on a look out.
Loyalty / Honor / Code I go by that I won't ditch just because circumstances are at the moment inconvenient.
Need to know trumps being in the dark.
Because stopping is worse than sticking with it.
The normal reasons - need to pay bills ;)

The abuse part? Because I didn't figure it's abuse / was my normal. Past tense because I'm doing my best to not re-engage abuse / have it get to me emotionally / make the crossover to where that is normal, just because other trauma I cope with... or outright find fun and calming and helping me think.

How do I stop? Damage outweights advantages. Doesn't work with 'risks', risks are a non factor when driven. But damage is f*ck all good.

Someone I honor tells me to stop.
It's something that's against my sense of moral / just / right.
Terms of agreement to put myself through with it were broken.
Betrayal. May or may not relate to conditions broken.
Someone else I mind first and foremost needs me elsewhere.

How do I break the pattern mentally / emotionally? Awareness it's a pattern, factors into it, healing, therapy, decision to be done sticked to.

 

[grit]

I venture out to suggest that most people do not know they are in abusive relationship or they think they are resilient to be able to fend off constant unsafe situations because safety is unknown to them. Some people may think the lack of abuse is scary cause again they do not know.

In my personal situation, all the above plus I lived in dissociation. In my most vulnerable times, I was aware of and would avoid, hide, withdrawal, strain, good old lovely denial etc and then forgot in my most logic side and rinse repeat. This is with my mother so I would say deep attachment hiding behind my dissociation wall. I never got into intimate unsafe situation. I think I did not simply because I spent a lot of times reality checking and they did not pass the test of time...I suppose. But with my mother, she was under the radar.

 

[EveHarrington]

In my current relationship I BEGGED my boyfriend to hit me when I was “bad”. I felt like I needed the punishment. Fortunately he’s not the type to hit a woman so he refused to do it, no matter how much I pissed him off. So yes, I actually wanted to get hit because I felt like I deserved the punishment for being bad.

The only way I’m able to break the pattern is by being with someone who refuses to abuse me. (Not helpful, I know.) I was actually able to convince past boyfriends to hit me during sex because I told them that’s what I desired. (My current boyfriends wont do that either because he can see right through it.)

 

[Sideways]

I don't know how to break the pattern except to recognise it when it's happening, and finding a way to get out.

For me? That usually requires help from my T. But breaking patterns always starts with deciding to stop.

 

[Friday]

Would you say it’s more trauma re-enactment or more beliefs/values/habit/patterns/comfy-ness?

 

[Lionheart]

For me, abuse was all I knew. In the back of my mind, I guess I did it in an attempt to understand it and to have some control over it even if it hurt me in the long run.

How I broke the cycle was to realize I was choosing the problem. I then made a conscious effort every time the opportunity presented itself to say, "No." To choose different behavior.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I had known from when I was a child that I would raise my child differently. I read books on raising children, deciding on how I would do it with no violence. I think I did ok. I hope so.

 

[Changing4Best]

I just almost go suckered into another one, but this time I prayed about it and got the distinct feeling that this relationship was not for me. So, I will keep my distance, even though I do like the person.

 

[Saskia1234]

I wish I knew. My goal is to not contact my abusive ex. My therapist likens him to a drug, looking for a “hit” of pain. Sometimes I’ll get nostalgic about the positive aspects and cave. It’s like I literally can’t help myself, but I ALWAYS regret it. I do feel powerless. I don’t know what to do. It seems crazy but I asked him to block me and he refuses. I’m seeking validation where I need to self validate. So frustrating!

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Saskia1234, your goal is not contacting your ex, and every time you don't contact you are successful! Add up the little successes and they eventually bind together to become a big one. It is a long process.

 

[TruthSeeker]

To the original question about getting into abusive relationships and how to break the pattern. Essentially, first you have to make some real long lasting changes to your own life before you can expect the quality of your relationships to improve.....I believe we attract what we are.......unwell begets unwell.....

Here's my list.
1) You have to make significant changes in the following ways:
a) evaluate your social contacts for their addictive behaviors, emotional maturity, integrity, trustworthiness, confidence, and follow-through (if they don't walk their talk....dump them). This was the hardest thing I did.....but the most mentally healthy step I took....including family members.......
b) Then evaluate your own addictions, integrity, honor, values like honesty, tenacity, consistency, dependability, respectfulness, a desire to change and motivation to do so, and make a plan and write it down of the things you will change-and how. Daily work on the things that will help you develop healthy relationships (addictions, self-care -like bathing and grooming.)
c) Seek out and expect higher caliber/more emotionally mature friends and relationships (because higher caliber friends tend to draw more emotionally mature friends), who aren't all caught up in a divorce, a waxing/waning relationship, drama, and who are positive thinkers.
d) get some hobbies which require music, art, or thinking and fun and do them in groups or clubs......to have something in common to get together again and again......then you have something to talk about, and you can open the door to even more learning.
e) become friends first, and for a long while....it's a whole lot less complicated.....and likely to be easier to get out of if you decide that it's not working for you....
f) if you want to have friendships, you have to actively contribute.....bring your potluck, be on time (a huge indicator of emotional maturity and groundedness), and don't frustrate potential friends using a wide variety of excuses, ailments, etc. Show up.....unless you are contagious.....even if for only a short period of time to deliver the potluck and then go home.
f) Relationships have a balance of give and take: consider giving to someone something each day....whether a neighbor a plate of cookies, a kind or motivating word, fixing an old ladies toilet, giving someone a ride, or helping them pack up to move. I find giving.....helps to insure I'm not a burden on someone and primarily a "taker" and the relationship has a built in give and take....
in the relationship. This is critical for longevity.......when people see and feel you care....they care back.
g) Always walk your talk, and you have to be emotionally healthy to carry through (if you are drinking regularly or self-medicating, chances are you'll attract the same-drama-and ill-health)
h) Take care of yourself physically.....so you can do all the other things listed above.
i) Read, find out what is interesting and fun in the world....and read about it.....develop interests in what is going on around you.....this helps you get a life......PTSD can squelch your "knowledge" .......read about every question you have and know some arguments for both sides
i) Now, I evaluate initial relationships....did we click, was that person's views aligned with mine, was he/she interesting and up to date on current events, did that person make me feel comfortable, did I like or not like them (and note why or why not).....I'm not over-analyzing or anything....just keep tabs on how I feel-from a gut perspective....and if I have any nagging concerns, address them immediately with myself......I don't toss red flags in the invisible box anymore and put the lid on and forget them.

Now, after trying this on for 6 months, look around and if you see needy people, hanging on, showing up and asking for things....set clear boundaries and roles for relationships...... don't encourage folks who are dramatic, needy, or don't follow thru on what they say (red flags).......drama perpetuates drama.....and drama comes from lots of immaturity.

Honestly, I had to get out of the dysfunctional "needy role, " have a daily schedule, have something to contribute to a group, before I could attract more emotionally mature friends. I speak from experience......I now have healthy friendships and healthier family relationships than before.....and I've pulled back from less healthy relationships and don't give them near the amount of time or attention....they usually go by the wayside.....or become more like an acquaintance....without creating drama to do so......let them go....when it doesn't feel comfortable...or a good fit. People are like shoes.....you got to try them on....and sometimes they just aren't a good fit.....so they go on the shelf....when they are uncomfortable. ;)