Restoring Relationships With Your S O

[The Albatross]

Having sleep apnea, I have no problem sleeping ... but my "carer" is the one who finds himself sleepless when he has to be away for travel.

I like what you shared about slowly adjusting to a new normal, and perceptually what was mild before is now seen as more significant. Makes solid sense to me. Thanks gal.

 

[intothelight]

I think everyone, supporter and sufferer, live in the hope of that time when symptoms are managed and PTSD seems to be a distant memory. But in reality, the disorder does not have a cure so when it rears its ugly head, it unnerves everyone. So what was insignificant in the past does becomes significant in the present, and there is also that fear to returning to the past. I think that fear is something that the supporter and the sufferer live with, but as time goes on and the sufferer has the tools to help themselves, flair ups are less severe and shorter in duration.

I can't speak for others, but as someone who is in the position of a supporter and a sufferer, I completely understand the pressure not to put too much stress on the sufferer; but I also know that "life happens" and that is an unrealistic goal. One can only do their best. But I also know that as a sufferer, I feel a lot of pressure not to backslide and try to "control" my own environment so I don't have an episode, but that wrench of "life" can make that an unrealistic mindset.

Re-occurrence seems to open old wounds and it is too easy to fall back into old patterns. Is it possible to PTSD proof relationships?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

he tells me he doesn't sleep while I'm away.

I don't sleep well when my husband is away too. I'll miss him and I miss him holding me. Even when my PTSD is okay, I will sleep with all the lights on, usually on the couch where I feel safer because in my mind there are more 'exits' in the living room and I will sleep lighter. I get hypervilgant and very sleep deprived.

When he comes back I am a mess. Amazing how it can effect you and bring you down again...

 

[Nicolette]

Re-occurrence seems to open old wounds and it is too easy to fall back into old patterns. Is it possible to PTSD proof relationships?

I don't know - it's a bit like trying to straighten out a roller coaster :bag: :p

 

[intothelight]

Ok, musings of a busy brain this morning...

I wonder if the first step in this is forgiveness? From my own perspective, I see where holding onto the past hurts creates a distrust and also resentment on the part of my SO. Basically, the message I hear is "I didn't do this, why do you take it out on me?". That is a very valid question and the feelings associated with it are valid.

At the same time, I feel intense guilt for the hurt that I inflicted. I have apologized and any decent person does not go out of their way to deliberately inflict pain upon another. Sufferer's are especially aware to the damage that abuse can do, and for me, my greatest fear was inflicting abuse upon someone else. That was why I isolated and withdrew. I think at some level we all know that we are not "safe" during certain periods of time and we push away those we love. This act itself causes great hurt, but also not removing ourselves can create emotionally instability that has the potential to hurt those we love.

Ultimately a sufferer's primary responsibility is to get as well as they can. Not only does that benefit them, but it benefits everyone around them. We all get that and that is what we all work on. But for me to really heal and move forward, I need to know that I am forgiven and accepted for who I am. That does not mean that I have a free pass to let PTSD fly and that is absolutely unacceptable. But I cannot change the past and when a person is unforgiven, it feels as though the past is hanging over their head like some giant scorecard and someone is making tick marks for every little slight.

But those are my thoughts and feelings. What may look like "unforgiveness" may be self-protection. Withdrawal is a self-protective mechanism used universally. That is another problem, what is happening and what part does personalization and generalization play into the thinking and behavior?

 

[Nicolette]

I feel that you have to strive to continually improve in all facets of a relationship even if the other is struggling... In other words 'walk the talk' and continually demonstrate the improved changes as the behavioural change is the only convincing factor. Time will only tell and with time shift occurs if the 'normal' has consistently changed (improved PTSD management or improved acceptance if the shoe is on the other foot - both people have to participate).

With PTSD fall backs or incidents I feel that as long as a Sufferer tries to communicate through this as much as possible, gets back up and apologises if warranted when over then forgiveness has a chance. I'm not saying to apologise for the illness or being unwell, but to say sorry for being 'absent' or even just saying "thank you for understanding my recent slip, I'm getting back on track"... Lead the way to setting a good example of value and respect despite the ups and downs.

Hope this makes sense, running out the door.