R
Retired FF/Medic
I retired a couple years ago and was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist at the time. I was diagnosed with PTD, depression, anxiety. The therapy only made things worse and I quit going after about 2 years of only feeling like I wanted death every day of my life. Since I retired I havent been able to function very well in society and have cut off all my fire dept friends and avoid the fire stations and will turn if I see a truck on the road. I live in the same city I worked in and grew up in. Since a child my parents would cut people out of their lives when they disagreed with them. I now just cut everything out of my life.
I was recently told, after taking several tests, Im on the autism spectrum...Since I was a kid I would see numbers on billboards, tv, license plates and the numbers/letters would begin to be calculated in different ways in my head and I didnt really control it and couldnt stop it. I would complain to my mom and she would just tell me Im smart ( i was nicknamed human calculator in one class and human dictionary in another) but I always watched people how the processed differently than me I would try to fit in by watching and acting like other people but I never learned how to communicate and talk about normal stuff. I never really fit in anywhere. I hated social gatherings and would only go out if I could drink before so I could loosen up.
I always feel out of place even in my own home. my own skin.
Im still depressed and hate my life. I hate myself. My mind attacks me all day. It tells me Im worthless, I deserve to die, I dont deserve to eat, I dont deserve to breathe. I dont want to kill myself but dont want to live. I dont speak with my parents and my brother who was my only friend just got married and moved away. Im miserable every day. My wife just ignores me and acts like Im perfectly fine and nothing is wrong with me. She cant engage negative emotions.
I was recently told, after taking several tests, Im on the autism spectrum...Since I was a kid I would see numbers on billboards, tv, license plates and the numbers/letters would begin to be calculated in different ways in my head and I didnt really control it and couldnt stop it. I would complain to my mom and she would just tell me Im smart ( i was nicknamed human calculator in one class and human dictionary in another) but I always watched people how the processed differently than me I would try to fit in by watching and acting like other people but I never learned how to communicate and talk about normal stuff. I never really fit in anywhere. I hated social gatherings and would only go out if I could drink before so I could loosen up.
I always feel out of place even in my own home. my own skin.
Im still depressed and hate my life. I hate myself. My mind attacks me all day. It tells me Im worthless, I deserve to die, I dont deserve to eat, I dont deserve to breathe. I dont want to kill myself but dont want to live. I dont speak with my parents and my brother who was my only friend just got married and moved away. Im miserable every day. My wife just ignores me and acts like Im perfectly fine and nothing is wrong with me. She cant engage negative emotions.